Friday, April 8, 2011

Youtube, Art and Implant Insomnia...and "FYI" Ramblings

I may have faced all my procedures thus far mostly calm and like a hero for the most part, awake and talking and joking the whole time whenever my mouth wasn't full of tools, but...

Why oh why I chose to search "dental implant" videos on youtube before bedtime is beyond me. I have to admit, I don't think there is any other procedure that could be done to my mouth that could look more terrifying on video.

So...which of my friends wants to come film it when I get to that point? Haha. Hmm...

I must say, that as much as we all wish health care was free and available equally to everyone, the more I learn about the process of implants, and all these procedures (or endure them for that matter) the more respect I have for dentistry as an "art" form in and of itself. Considering myself an artist for about 25 years of my life, and a sculptor, mechanic, tinkerer and general person good with tools of all kinds and working with my hands and also X-acto knives, accomplishing ridiculously OCD kinds of creations at times, I have become quite fascinated with dentistry over the past few months.

For all the subtle, unspoken criticism of sorts it seems I have garnered from a few friends for opting to pay so much for my treatment, (as opposed to just going to Mexico, India, Thailand or something?) I frankly must admit, that I think it is WORTH the cost, and one reason of many, is as follows: Given my own prowess with knives and dremels and obsessive attention to detail, if someone came to me and wanted an implant put in a mouth as like, an "art commission," I bet if I had all the tools and training I could do it. Hell, even from a youtube video. It makes sense--I understand all about creating templates as guides, keeping a drill perpendicular, drilling pilot holes, etc. But I would probably charge a similar amount of money given how extensive of a process it is, even to put one perfectly aligned, fitted tooth in a mouth. It would actually be kind of a fun sculture project for me, I think. BUT. It's simply not something I want to get the biggest possible discount I can on. I was excited last year thinking I might finally be brave and go get Lasik when I saw the price had apparently come down tremendously, it occured to me that if that old saying "You get what you pay for" could posibly be true  about anything, my eyesight most certainly was one of those circumstances. When you need to have open heart surgery, do you call around for the cheapest hospital? Really? Maybe see if they will take a coupon you found in the New Times?

After all these years, if I am actually going to finally take care of myself, I may as well do it right. Or, I'll rephrase that: I reserve the right to pay what I choose and have my treatment taken care of by whomever I trust and determine is right for me, because I know me better than anyone, and it is my choice, and no one else's. If you or anyone doesn't want to donate to my cause because I am not going to your dentist or something, fine, but all I ask is that you respect my choice.

Another reason I am not searching for a $3,000 dental drive-thru vacation somewhere, for anyone who is interested in further clarity, is this:
There is a REASON that this happened to me. There are many reasons, in fact. It has hugely affected my mental health and my every action and motivation and how I've lived my life for over half of it. Though I myself am amazed by my progress over the past several months, and all that Pinar and Rakhee and others have helped me, even if I won the lottery and had got a full mouth reconstruction of the one-day implants overnight, I know wholeheartedly, that my own healing would not have come so easily. I am doing this on my own terms, as fast or as slow as it takes. I am writing it out as I go. It has helped me to, for the first time probably in my life, to bring every aspect of my life and creativity into one focus, one higher purpose, for the greater good of my own healing, mentally and physically, and however much I may talk about it or seem positive, it is far from an easy road toward an overnight smile. In all honesty, I am still teaching myself to brush and floss! I am trying to instill in myself each day, a discipline I have never ever had, along with the 100 other things I do each day at work and play all day long. It is hard. It is tiresome. It is frustrating. It is quite often painful, depressing, alienating, and lonely. But I am facing it, nonetheless, the best that I can. And it will take me as long as it takes.
So I thank you all as much as I can remember to--your support means so very much to me, and despite my dedication to the Mesa Dental School, I am of course open to other possible options as the Universe may present them if I deem they are right for me. Though I am certainly "stubborn" and decisive as well, by all means, feel free to still offer suggestions and advice based on your own experiences. Help me continue to reach out, network, organize fundraisers, and get word out if you wish to, but please also...know that I feel blessed and am grateful for the path I am currently on, and that I above all, trust my dentist and all others I am working with. Thank you.
Without Rakhee, I honestly don't know where I would be or what I would be doing right now. I am humbled, moved and inspired daily by her, to keep moving forward. To laugh, to smile, and to remember and to try my best to brush my damn teeth, for the first time in my life.
And on that note, at 3:56AM, I am going to finally try to sleep before I work at 8:00AM and then have my next appointment at 1:00PM. Dammit, brain! Goodnight, my readers. Thanks, as always, for listening. Sweet dreams...

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