tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-116588530972043602024-03-14T02:46:42.238-07:00Smile, Paul!This blog is to document the history of my physical & mental transformation in regards to my "secret" of needing a large amount of dental care for years, & the steps & progression I have taken to finally face this lifelong issue & overcome it since Fall, 2010. It is a reminder, above all, to ASK FOR HELP, & that anything is possible, if you really want it badly enough. [WARNING: Contains explicit language & gore]Paulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06387533812545278787noreply@blogger.comBlogger80125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11658853097204360.post-24813300094035575492013-05-19T19:45:00.000-07:002013-05-19T19:45:02.795-07:00There's no such thing as a short answer to "What Happened?"<div>
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(Note: What follows below is from a recent email to my former student dentist, Rakhee. It felt like the most eloquent summary I have come up with recently to explain how I have been feeling in the wake of my broken foot and on the verge of completing my dental work that she began. I know that that story will not just magically have a happy ending the day my last crown is put on, but that it is still, every day, being written. Real heaing requires more than just new teeth, as I have been trying to unravel and understand all along. The deeper I continue to walk or crutch into my own darkness while alone these past few months, the more I feel the reasons for my broken foot are very similar to those that led to my broken smile. I hope that sharing my own journey with you all will continue to help you to make such a journey yourselves, and that together we can all be stronger, healthier people who listen to, learn from, and help one another to find the light at the end of our tunnels. I think I can finally say, that I am almost there.)</div>
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<i>Hi Rakhee!</i></div>
<i>I
have wanted to write to you forever. Everyone gets so wrapped up in
short text communication sometimes I feel like it is impossible to
really communicate full, elaborate thoughts anymore. Certainly for ME,
but, you know how I write! :-)<br /></i></div>
<i>I think sometimes I think if
I ever were to write a book, all the footnotes in it would be inside
jokes for you or something. Like whenever I write a blog, it feels like
there's still so much I didn't say, sometimes that you are one of the
only people I feel would understand.<br /></i></div>
<i>You and I may come
from different worlds, and honestly I don't think either of us probably
know what a day in the life of the other is really like, but I think one
of those magical mysteries about life is how people can sometimes meet
in the middle and transcend who they are and find common paths toward
connections that can help lift each other up to new levels. Some of that
might sound like hippie bullshit, but I still feel like this is the
case for us, even if we so rarely chat and I haven't heard your voice in
a year. You always cheer me up. You're like a magic knife that helps me
to cut through my bullshit and depression some days to be more positive
and productive and happy. I think some people might think I'm crazy or
even "stalkery" or something for my tattoo, but the bottom line is, some
of us just need more little "reminders" sometimes to get through our
days, reminders even, to "smile." I have have all sorts of crazy up and
down intense relationships in my life, with friends, family,
girlfriends, whatever, but you are honestly one of the very few I can
think of that my brain doesn't attach any negative feelings to. I can't
think of you, truly let myself think of you and all we have been through
together for a few minutes, and not smile. (Could you imagine if
EVERYone could say that about their friends or family, let alone their
DENTIST?) I hung a picture of us in my bathroom with some printed out
things you've said that are helpful "affirmations" to me that I look at
every time I feel lazy and don't want to brush my teeth. Maybe that is
"crazy" to people who come over too, but it HELPS me. <br /></i></div>
<i>I
know that you read my blog, but we never really talked a lot about it,
your hands were always in my mouth! Ha. Bottom line, there are reasons
this happened to me. Everyone always asked me, student dentists
included--drives me crazy--"what happened?" Like it is a simple answer. I
have come to loathe that question. It's like a cashier asking "how are
you?" and then getting confused or annoyed when you respond. LIFE happened! <u>We all
were dealt different hands and we all played them differently. I lost a
bunch of hands. I'm finally trying to start WINNING</u>. That's probably the
best simple answer I could give!<br /></i></div>
<i>What I'm getting at is,
the most important realization I had about my teeth was that I let them
get that way as a form of self-harm, hoping to get a reaction out of my
parents and friends all those years. I didn't know how to be happy or
healthy or fix anything, and that was the one thing I could control,
always hoping someone would notice and help me deal with my teeth and
the pain of my childhood that caused the problem. Every cavity was
really like another time I was disappointed by those I just wanted love
from. And you can fill those holes, but it doesn't mean that that
disappointment won't still be lingering in there somewhere at the roots.
Ha, did I just call my parents periodontal disease??<br /></i></div>
<i>The
past few years have been a whirlwind emotionally. My last relationship was confusing. I think honestly I am a few years ahead of her at
learning how to face my fears and problems and be honest with myself and
others and I think that was our downfall. So many people, more and more
these days I am finding have no idea how to communicate, if they are even
in touch with their real feelings at all. It's really tragic.</i></div>
<i>Even
as "enlightened" as I still hide and deny things and push them
aside when I don't feel I have the time to confront them. Honestly that
is one of the reasons I bike and hike and camp so much, because nature
helps me to focus and really commune with myself as well and process
these things. Pain, confusion, whatever. I was really hurt the way
things ended with after my break-up, I couldn't get the "closure" from her
I'd wanted and I couldn't get the words out I wanted to say and I just
felt "stuck." That affected a lot about my life in the months that
followed. <br /></i></div>
<i>The weekend of my accident it was originally a 4
day vacation I had planned for after when I was first told my dental work
would be finished. That obviously, was CRAZY. Whenever that was really
going to happen, I was saving my vacation days just to get away and be
with myself and reflect on it all. That week like 900 dollars of my
fancy hiking and biking clothes and gear got stolen off my bike and it
kinda ruined my plans for a 4 day camping trip, which ultimately was
also really to process everything that happened with my ex. Once again, I
felt like I was avoiding it so as not to feel pain, always waiting for
the right time, the right more comfortable environment. I cancelled my trip, spent a fortune
on renting a car, went to Sedona for a day and came home mostly disappointed, instead of just
biking still as planned but for a shortened trip. I have come to realize that I think
so much hardship comes to me as a result of not listening to my heart's
deepest yearning. I could have still had those 4 days away just with
limited resources, instead I settled for short term gratifications,
which ultimately failed. Not only did my teeth not get finished, my
weekend sucked, and I was just tired of being lonely all the time. At
the last minute I went out to that annual Phoenix Burn thing hoping to
connect. I did feel like I had "risen from the ashes" a lot in the past
few years and thought it was symbolic to jump the fire this year, as I
had in the past, but I also didn't need to. It was a silly show-off thing
that I'm sure I only did hoping for praise or connection, to be
noticed by people for something after a lonely, depressing weekend. <br /></i></div>
<i>I
tell you these things, because I feel that they are all part of the same
story. I may have come a long way, but I think the story of my broken
foot is still very much connected to my broken smile which you are a
part of. I want you to understand. As a friend and partner in all of
this, but maybe also as a dentist. Something that I think is a problem
and reason for a divide between patients and dentists is because some of
them think like mechanics and see patients as broken cars that just
need fixing. This does patients an injustice. I think it is grossly
negligent and is part of why the health care industry in this country is
so messed up to begin with. If prevention were as easy as just giving
out a toothbrush there would be no dentists except in emergency rooms.
So many dentists I see don't seem to have a clue how much a person's
teeth affect every aspect of their being. Maybe they are in it for the
money, Idunno, but it drives me crazy. This only makes it harder for
them to relate to patients and patients to them. If you go to see a
dentist for the first time in 10 years and they ask you "what happened?"
they simply don't want the answer "my parents didn't love me." "My
girlfriend left me." etc. See also, obesity, drug addiction and all
sorts of chronic health problems plaguing the country. <br /></i></div>
<i>I
am at a place where for the first time in 20 years where I may not ever
be asked about my teeth, but I am still every day trying to unravel my
past and understand the "what happened." There are days, even still
$21,000 and 61 appointments later that I still don't always brush or
floss, usually if I am feeling depressed or upset about something. Not
all the time, don't worry. I just want to give perspective. You might
very well know more about me than any other patient ever, and it's
important to me to try my best to share with you, my own personal "words
from the chair" like that book I gave you. Because I think it will only help to make you a better
dentist and a more compassionate person. Though you certainly already are
far above the curve in those departments. :-)<br /></i></div>
<i>Breaking my
foot reminded me so much of when my front tooth broke on my bike tour. I
thought my life was fucking over. I spent that whole first month just
feeling broken and lost and scared and uncertain of anything. My teeth
felt trivial in comparison, like I would keep these stupid crooked
plastic provisionals indefinitely JUST to be able to travel back in time
and NOT jump that damn fire. But if not then, if not my foot, it would
have just been something else, sooner or later. Suppressing things
always seems to have a way to come back and bite you in the ass. <br /></i></div>
<i>I
am slowly accepting that this has happened to me, trying to be positive
and have faith that I will be able to nurse and exercise my foot back
to health in the coming months and do all the things I love again. Maybe
it will always be broken, I don't know. But I hope that despite all of
this, that finally I can learn from this experience so that <b>I</b> don't have to
be. I am capable of moving on and getting past things, letting things
go. I can learn from the past but not drive myself insane over things I
can't change, and truly embrace the present moment.<br /></i></div>
<i>I have
spent the past few weeks writing letters to people from my past who I
have felt there were unresolved feelings with in my heart. I had a talk
with a friend recently about how people always feel like they need
"closure" or they can't move on, "why can't they just say screw it, and
forget those people and just get on with their lives and be okay that
they may never hear from them?" I think for me personally, it's not
always about them, but my own repression of feelings over and over that
lead to patterns and negative habits that are hard to break. I carry
some of these feelings and frustrations around with me all the time just
like the secret of my teeth for years and it eats at me. Even if the
other people may never write back or give you answers that you might
hope for or resolve things, I think as a person so grounded in writing
like I am that it is nonetheless helpful to ME to finally find that
voice to get those feelings out and give them away so I don't have to
carry the weight of such heavy words with me everywhere each day. I
truly DO feel "lighter" when I get such thoughts out, even this email,
though I feel there is nothing "unresolved" between you and I. <br /></i></div>
<i>I
actually wrote to my parents, forgiving them, and I think I am finally
actually ready to mean it, and move on. I wrote to the first person I
ever felt I was in love with but never told to let them know what they
meant to me back then. I apologized to a friend I had a drunken argument
with a year ago, inviting them to come back into my life. I told a
former partner how much I would like it if we were to try to still be
friends. Things that I have struggled with doing and asking in the past,
because...Idunno, maybe I am afraid of the answers. But at least now I know I
have said MY peace, gotten MY truth out of me, even if it may never be
heard. No one can take that away from me, and I find it very vital to my
own true healing, each letter laying another stone in the path toward
my ability to smile again and be happy, find balance, find peace.<br /></i></div>
<i>Thank
you for listening to this really long message! I hope that it can also
somehow help you in your life and practice, if only in its ability to
offer insight into another human beings deepest feelings and struggles
and motivations. I think I may actually edit a few things and post it in
my blog. Sometimes writing to specific people helps to find a
particular voice and conjure certain things out I've been wanting to say
and there are certainly a lot of them in here that have been on my
mind. You are certainly one of those people that it helps me to write to. </i></div>
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I will spare you all the cheesy closing goodbyes and anecdotes. Yes, I write long letters. I am always up for new pen pals if you want to help keep the dying art of letter-writing alive. Thank you for reading :-)<i></i></div>
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Love,</div>
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Paul<i><br /></i></div>
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<i></i>Paulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06387533812545278787noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11658853097204360.post-17056720465750973402013-05-15T17:53:00.001-07:002013-05-15T17:53:52.745-07:00So, I haven't written in here in a really long time. It is hard to exactly pinpoint why that is. About a year ago when I last wrote I was in a pretty confusing and emotionally intense place. My student dentist who had been with me for 40 appointments and changed so much about my life was on the verge of graduation. I felt uncertain about what would come next, what the transition to new dentists would be like, if anyone else could ever fill her very big shoes that had endured and endeared through so many appointments with me. I was scared again for the first time since we began our journey together, wondering when I would ever finish, if I would be satisfied with the outcome, and sad that she would not be there to see it, to finish "her masterpiece" as I rightfully believed she deserved.<br />
That being said, I also was in a place, for once, where in general throughout my day, for the first time in 20 years, that I didn't really THINK about teeth most of the time. I was slowly learning to "let go," to let uninhibited smirks and smiles and laughs escape my mouth without such a strongly controlled and tense face always holding them back. Sometimes, for once, I was happy JUST TO NOT THINK ABOUT MY FUCKING TEETH ALL THE TIME, to not worry what anyone would think of me if they caught a glimpse of my open mouth in conversation, while chewing, etc. I still worried and always had questions and wondered when I would ever be finished with my treatment plan, but those feelings were mostly tied to "being at the dentist," whereas I was able to just enjoy the moment and not really think about them much, as I calmly continued to sock away every cent from work and just go about living my life when I wasn't at the dentist.<br />
I never meant for almost a year to pass between entries, but I think that fact is also a very telling fact about the extent of which I allowed thoughts of my teeth to always control my life. The more and more I found empowerment as the months went on and new teeth continued to be built and restored in my mouth, the easier it became to eat and the less I was in pain, the less and less I think I really WANTED to write in my blog. This "story" and my treatment and my blog for over a year was truly the focus of my life, but the closer I came to completing it, the less I wanted to really write or think about it and the more I wanted to just go about living my life, finally just trying to be happy and relearning to smile again. In retrospect now, I think that may have been a bit of a premature misjudgement.<br />
A lot has happened in my life since then, and I don't know if I will ever find the time to fill in all the blanks, but one thing has always remained certain throughout this journey to me. I said in the very beginning that I knew that if I had just won the lottery or something and managed to miraculously fix all my teeth instantly, that it never would have really healed the true and deep-seated "issues" in me that gave rise to this problem and all the ways I lived my life in the first place. I may very well have never come to the realization that my behavior was a form of self-harm,I may have never gazed so deeply into myself to try to truly figure out how to stop from carrying on these old habits into my new life with my new and improved teeth. It has been two and a half years now, and I have TRIED to do those things and it still is not always easy.<br />
I am going to try my best to "catch up" the parts of the story that I feel are truly integral to my growth through this experience and and worthy of including in the narrative. With my teeth slowly shifting away from being the main focus of my life, I ended up in my first "relationship" of sorts since this journey began, that was really interesting in comparison to those I had in the past before this journey. The past year of the actual dental process has been particularly slow compared to the beginning and also the most expensive. You may noticed that I have basically been PAYED IN FULL for my treatment plan ever since January of this year.<br />
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(The small remainder is for a nightguard when everything is finished, but since I didn't need to pay that to move forward with finishing my actual teeth I have held off.) It was great to finally have money again for a while! However, I have ended up poor again recently after breaking my foot a few months ago and being on medical leave from work. In the past several months, between trying to process "what went wrong" in my relationships and how my childhood issues and my teeth continue to affect who I am, and also being mostly alone and in bed for 2 months, I am trying to finally put the pieces all together of this confusing lifelong puzzle and finally heal and move forward with my life, a happier, more balanced and smiley person. Things are all becoming clearer as I realize more and more how it is all connected, and I even feel I can tie my broken foot to my continued inability to not always focus on myself or feel 100% comfortable alone. You have a lot of time to think about things when you can't walk, let alone hike and bike and do many of the things you love most!<br />
I am writing these words on the verge of what is tentatively my FINAL APPOINTMENT on June 17th where if all goes well, I will receive my last 5 crowns on my implants, including my implant-supported, fixed partial denture for my 3 front teeth, numbers 8-10, which have largely been what the entire suspense of this journey and my concern for a decade of my life has been about. "What will my front teeth ever look like again?" That little piece of porcelain and its zirconia guts will be the single most expensive thing I have ever owned of payed for in my life. It is a huge mindfuck waiting, always wondering what it will look like, what CAN it look like given the limitations of my mouth with its general asymmetry and bone loss, etc. I know that with this grand finale must come a certain level of acceptance and the ability to just be thankful and proud and feel "DONE" and just move on, but the Ego is a powerful force in allowing one to think otherwise. But I am trying! <br />
There are so many things about the past few years of my life that have turned out far more wonderful than I could've ever imagined all those years I lived in fear, and so many surprises good and bad. I am a firm believer that all things happen for a reason, and that life gives you the lessons that you need most to evolve and expand your consciousness, even if at the time you may not always be ready. I am learning to accept these lessons and be grateful and move forward, better than I ever could in the past, and it comes as no irony to me that my smile completion manages to also coincide with the time when I will also begin to learn to walk again on my freshly healed foot. Life always has a way of showing you what you take for granted, and finding those forgotten demons you keep locked away to tap you on the shoulder and remind you of how you aren't dealing with things you should be, if you are willing to listen. You can get mad at the world and blame everyone but yourself for your bad teeth or your broken foot or that your girlfriend broke up with you or countless other things, but when you truly accept responsibility for those things you may finally begin to see the role that YOU also play in them. I am working on this. It is a lifelong experience, and I am humbled and grateful that so many people have chosen to follow along with my progress. Thank you for reading, and I will try to write more soon.<br />
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Here are a few pictures from the past year. I think that you will agree, that though several of the teeth you can see in my smile are plastic provisionals, they are a profound improvement over the past partial denture, and certainly what I began with! Even when I smile without showing teeth, it still looks and feels much different.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-bdHkMSsnrRo/UZQr0QK63gI/AAAAAAAAAk0/P5AUYUOvKF4/s1600/557176_10150918111560868_1041717993_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-bdHkMSsnrRo/UZQr0QK63gI/AAAAAAAAAk0/P5AUYUOvKF4/s320/557176_10150918111560868_1041717993_n.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Summer 2012 outside Macy's in Flagstaff</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Winter 2013</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-aVKrx5pq8e4/UZQszAoaM7I/AAAAAAAAAlI/XICojPFWEsc/s1600/DSC02408b.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-aVKrx5pq8e4/UZQszAoaM7I/AAAAAAAAAlI/XICojPFWEsc/s320/DSC02408b.JPG" width="206" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Being silly on the swings in Miami, AZ October 2012</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Pme0eID1aq8/UZQs4ywRIHI/AAAAAAAAAlQ/6Ppyb3vTdWI/s1600/541482_4982453712160_345045497_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Pme0eID1aq8/UZQs4ywRIHI/AAAAAAAAAlQ/6Ppyb3vTdWI/s320/541482_4982453712160_345045497_n.jpg" width="239" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Getting my cast put on a few weeks after surgery from my shattered heel bone. April 2013</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-b8_ywPOxqKk/UZQs9kZG3lI/AAAAAAAAAlY/ef9XVknRC_M/s1600/946948_10151376806595868_1813943563_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="224" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-b8_ywPOxqKk/UZQs9kZG3lI/AAAAAAAAAlY/ef9XVknRC_M/s320/946948_10151376806595868_1813943563_n.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Most recent, laying in the grass in a rare green sanctuary-like house in Mesa, AZ, May 2013. This was the first time I really was able to spend in anything remotely resembling "nature" in two months since breaking my foot.</td></tr>
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<br />Paulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06387533812545278787noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11658853097204360.post-51672146047571330202012-06-06T00:21:00.000-07:002012-06-06T00:23:31.871-07:00On Gratitude.On Saturday afternoon, February 4th, I had my first real sort of bike accident in ten years, and the second somewhat "severe" one of my life. No one hit me, and it was my own fault, a combination of wearing sunglasses and misjudging an uneven section of the road which I sideswiped and threw myself into the road onto my hands. In the moment I did not even really think, as others often pointed out in the days that would follow, "Thank God you didn't hit your teeth!"<br />
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It didn't really seem that bad at first, mostly just some scrapes on my knees, I looked my bike over and drank some water and relaxed to let my heart calm down. I had been planning on making this day be the first in several months that I was aspiring to bike 50-60 miles. For a brief moment after my accident, I almost was about to still attempt it after I just calmed down. But as a few more minutes passed, I began to realize that suddenly I could hardly use my right hand without pain, my left thumb not proving much more usable. Having been through ENOUGH dentist appointments in the past year to always carry a few pills with me just in case, I popped a Vicodin and I walked my bike another few blocks to a Circle K, knowing that if I didn't eat soon I would give myself a killer stomach ache, and also to get some ice.<br />
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By the time I reached the store and went to lock my bike, I realized that my hands were practically useless. I could hardly lift the weight of my U-lock without cringing, but I finally managed to get my bike locked. With the help of elbows and shoulders and mostly only using the fingers of my left hand, I managed to buy a yogurt and a Clif bar and get a cup of ice and a plastic bag. I sat outside in the shade icing my hands and trying to figure out what to do next, but realized pretty quickly that I could not for the life of me open my Clif bar package nor peal the foil lid from my yogurt with my hands, it was THAT painful. Then I did something a few years prior I would have NEVER thought of...I used my teeth!<br />
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After that I managed to reach a friend who came and got me and took me home. I made a makeshift splint out of a sock and tape, and continued to ice my wrist and relax on leftover dentist Vicodin for the remainder of the night. However, I woke up in quite possibly some of the worst pain I have ever felt as it wore off in the middle of the night and asked a friend to take me to Urgent Care the next morning. As you may recall, I have been through, well...I think a pretty epic amount of pain compared to some, but this was seriously up there with my worst infected toothaches. Never having really severely injured myself before, I mostly only went because I thought something MUST be broken if it hurt so bad.<br />
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I have never really liked doctors, and this would be my first appointment with one since I began my dental care in an entirely different type of health care providing institution, and let me tell you, it was a far cry from the dental school. First I was seen by the nurse to check vitals, then the Dr. came in to bend my wrist all over despite telling me it hurt, and seemed offended that I still had my makeshift splint on, nor was he even concerned to ever look at my left thumb. He left and made the nurse come back in to cut off my splint before he would look at me again, and then we took some X-rays. As it turned out, I only had a severe sprain, which seemed like good news? I just needed to get a fiberglass splint and take more painkillers and not use it. Now, here comes the shitty ironic part.<br />
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The nurse came back in for what took all of 3 minutes to unwind the role of fiberglass, cut it off and affix it to my forearm with an ace bandage. Guess how much THAT part alone cost me? $180 dollars! They destroyed the splint I already had on to charge me $180 for 3 minutes of their time and probably five bucks worth of splint material they get wholesale or something. Are you meaning to tell me that their nurse is worth like five grand an hour then? A hundred and eighty bucks--I have had 3rd year student dentists give me shots, take X-rays free of charge, surgically remove molars with broken crowns, file down my jawbone, dig out my roots and stitch me back up for just over a hundred all by themselves, but Urgent Care has the audacity to charge me over four hundred dollars for ten minutes of telling me it's not broken treating my like a number while never remotely acting as if they had a compassionate bone in their body. I'll tell you one thing, it gave me even more respect for my dentists. Every single student who has ever set foot near my mouth knows me by name and greets me with excitement and care every time I have ever seen them in passing in the clinic. Though the health care system in this country is definitely fucked, and I think that insurance should be paying for it, not patients out of pocket like me, I still actually believe that what my dentists have done to me is worth the money it costs. It is absolutely disgusting how victims of accidents and people who can't afford insurance or are not eligible are exploited. Which unfortunately for those who live in Arizona, basically means everyone in poverty unless you are female and pregnant. Try getting AHCCCS if you are a homeless male in this city, just try. And if you wanna climb an even higher mountain, try being a teenager who is trying to stop using heroin and change your life who can't qualify for rehab because you don't have AHCCCS, which you can't get. But there I go again, bringing my job at a homeless youth resource center home with me!<br />
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The days that followed after my accident were a challenge to say the least. That first day afterwards, when Katie brought me home from the doctor, I could not even turn the handle of the door to get into my house. We had stopped and got me groceries, the majority of which she had to carry, opening all of my packages I couldn't get with a knife, orange juice, soy milk, etc because I couldn't turn the caps without terrible pain. Though I was only officially on no lifting from work for ten days, I swear it took me over a month for me to feel remotely functional again, and even then it was still around 85 and 50 percent usage of my left and right hand. It was a few weeks before I really risked biking too regularly again, and in the meantime during the few initial days I had off from work, it was an interesting experience to figure out how to live my life without hardly using my hands and without biking every day for the first time really in a year and a half.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-wFANe307Ghk/T88AhIM3lMI/AAAAAAAAAjU/DPBgqwG8W8c/s1600/404514_10150544164165868_120870038_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="201" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-wFANe307Ghk/T88AhIM3lMI/AAAAAAAAAjU/DPBgqwG8W8c/s400/404514_10150544164165868_120870038_n.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">First time biking near my house, shortly after my accident. February 2012</td></tr>
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It's funny, I know that biking has made me live a "slower" lifestyle, more aware of my surroundings, my community, living simpler than the 4 years of my life I owned cars, but compared to walking, bikes sure SEEM like cars. Even though I lived in the neighborhood for almost a year, I still biked by much of it every day during my commutes without really exploring it. Walking around after my accident was the first time I discovered the grass and the trees and the birds of the local park by the capital, and it helped me to reconnect with nature in a way I had been neglecting for the past year, so intensely wrapped up in my own physical healing of my mouth. I had been so overwhelmed with all I had been through and trying to even process it all that I had lost sight of some of the other things that truly mattered to me, namely, my spiritual side and my connection to the natural world. A few days later I took a bus to a used bookstore and bought myself several new books, including one about a couple who left modern technology behind to go live with Minnenites for a year and a half, and another about the first scientists and tree climbers to explore the giant coastal redwoods I so fell in love with on my bike tour which was the catalyst of me facing this journey. In the weeks of healing that followed, I ordered more and more books from amazon.com, including two that I consider to be particularly profound and life-changing, <u>Becoming Animal</u> by David Abram, and <u>Soulcraft</u> by Bill Plotkin, and though I find A New Earth to be particularly repetitive and kind of old hat to me, it was a pleasant reminder during that time to always focus on the present, to live in the now and make the most of every moment, and try to live a more stress-free, less Ego-driven life filled with gratitude. I also discovered this tremendously moving video online that very much relates, which I think is quite possibly one of my favorite videos I have ever discovered on the internet:<br />
http://youtu.be/gXDMoiEkyuQ<br />
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It's four months later now, and though my hands are mostly healed, I still haven't regained the full range of motion in my right wrist. For most of my life as an artist, I have always considered my hands perhaps the most important part of my body, and after years of doing pull-ups, I always trusted my arms with my life. At the time of my accident, it was a pretty profound and powerful switcheroo to realize that for the first time that I can remember, that I could actually depend on the strength of my TEETH more than I could my right hand. A few years ago, I never would have believe that I would be saying that right now, but it's true. They are not perfect, and they will never be the strongest in the world, but they are mine, and I am very thankful that I could count on them during those awkward and painful few weeks when my hands were useless. It gave me immense gratitude for Rakhee and all my dentists who have helped me to trust them again since this journey began--both dentists, AND my teeth. One of those first few days when I was sitting in the park under a tree reflecting on all I had been through in the dentist chair and learned in the past few years and how I had changed, I wrote this in my journal with my shaky right hand. I hope it can inspire others to cultivate a mindfulness and gratitude in their own lives and to live in the moment, and never forget how fortunate you are, to even be able to open your eyes. Thank you for all of the time so many of them around the world have given me to share with me in this story. I am trying my best every day, to make it one that you will not soon forget.<br />
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<br />Paulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06387533812545278787noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11658853097204360.post-77615075356440429252012-05-07T12:53:00.002-07:002012-05-07T12:53:44.096-07:00Random Reflections of the Past Few MonthsWhat can I say, it has been a busy few months. I am sorry it has taken me so long to write. I feel so far behind that it has honestly been a little intimidating to try to catch up for a while now, but I felt that I needed to finally write again. A lot has happened since I last wrote. Between getting into my first bike accident in ten years and hurting my wrist and hands and the recovery from that, having my first annual check-up appointment ever and also getting all my implants placed, to reconnecting with nature and my spiritual side and reading and hiking during most of my spare time again, and also moving into a new home and out of my teeny studio finally, there has been so much going on in my life lately that it has been hard to focus and find time to blog for a while. I hope to elaborate on all of the above over the next few days.<br />
In the meantime, here here is one of the last pictures taken of me in my old house where so much of this journey has taken place.<br />
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I still have my annoying provisional denture in until further notice, and am now in the process of planning out the restoration process of my final 7 teeth, so though it looks awkward to me and nothing like my final smile will be like, here is a recent picture of that as well.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">From April 16th, 2012</td></tr>
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I am hoping that I may be able to be finished with everything by August or September, but only time will tell. I had a bit of a monetary setback between being ripped off by Urgent Care after my bike accident, regular maintenance of my bike around the 5,000 mile mark (I just passed 6,000 a few days ago!) and moving into a new place and acquiring some furniture and things I did not have at my old place. But now that I am on the home stretch, I aspire to have some more dinner parties and random fundraisers again real soon, and hopefully can continue to stay ahead of my dental bills and not have to put any appointments on hold for lack of funds, which I have been incredibly lucky to never once have to do since this journey began, thanks largely to the huge amount of support I received during the first several months after making my story public and also Roger Ebert's tweet that ushered it further out into the world.<br />
My apologies again for taking so long to update this, but I plan on making it more of a priority very soon, and have a TON to catch you all up to speed. Thanks as always, for all your support and for following along with me. <br />
<br />Paulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06387533812545278787noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11658853097204360.post-58370827969502757982012-01-23T02:00:00.002-07:002012-01-24T12:31:48.060-07:00My One Year Anniversary of Meeting Rakhee & Going to the Dentist - 39 Appointments Later!Though I was hoping it would fall on the same day as my first visit to the dentist in nearly 20 years, which occurred last year on January 19th, my closest appointment will be tomorrow's quick Post Op with Elif while Rakhee begins her Board Exams. As I am facing the home stretch now, I have been a moody mixture of emotions, both for Rakhee and myself and my whole treatment plan and this story in general. I can't help but wonder what's next for each of us, if I will manage to raise enough money and we will be able to finish before she graduates, what I will do with all I have written, all I have learned and if I will one day consider any sort of dentistry-related career, or perhaps fundraising and grant-writing for some community dental health non-profit, or if I will in some way inspire and partner with any of my student dentists down the road. I still am also constantly awaiting the next step, waiting to heal, waiting for a remotely consistent diet, trying to schedule my next appointments and organize my next fundraising events. I am kind of a mess, though I think I manage keep my emotions and stress in check by having my job to focus on and remaining grounded through exercise and spending as much time in nature and away from the mental malaise of city living as possible. I can't wait to finish and save money toward something ELSE, now that I have actually learned to save money as a result of all of this. I will most likely be saving to finally permanently move out of Phoenix and pursue a new life elsewhere. But that, you will have to ask me about again later in the year. For now, I want to talk about my anniversary, and the past year and how it has changed my life.<br />
If I had had an appointment closer to the 19th, I probably would have written something very similar in a card to Rakhee as I just posted for her in a previous blog that listed the 30 most inspiring people I have known that have helped shape me into who I am today. However, since I could not, I shared the link to it as a proud gift I posted online for the world to see on that date. Since that entry is incredibly long and much of it doesn't specifically relate to my teeth, in case you may have missed it, I want to share the section that relates to her again here, as I consider it of significant importance to this blog, to our story. Here it is:<br />
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29. Rakhee Patel<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-exg272DHUng/TxM_CwtlqfI/AAAAAAAAAec/Gr3vWa3hpEs/s1600/DSC06899.JPG" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="300" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-exg272DHUng/TxM_CwtlqfI/AAAAAAAAAec/Gr3vWa3hpEs/s400/DSC06899.JPG" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Rakhee and Trent fighting the Battle of Tooth 17. March 2011.</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-ugIajFvF_dA/TxM_G1H8gaI/AAAAAAAAAek/ybcuMXGts5M/s1600/DSC07187.JPG" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="300" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-ugIajFvF_dA/TxM_G1H8gaI/AAAAAAAAAek/ybcuMXGts5M/s400/DSC07187.JPG" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The most color-coordinated filling appointment ever.</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-iZDQbrRpidU/TxNAVmPNLPI/AAAAAAAAAe8/yz6axbC9VHk/s1600/DSC08151crop.JPG" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="400" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-iZDQbrRpidU/TxNAVmPNLPI/AAAAAAAAAe8/yz6axbC9VHk/s400/DSC08151crop.JPG" width="336" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">dunno, I just like this picture. It reminds me--Impressions always seem like a calming Zen moment and 5 minute head hug. (How often does anyone hold your head motionless, anyway!?) It's a humbling and moving time to reflect upon all that we have been through. It's kind of the most at peace one can feel in a dentist's chair...once you learn not to gag, that is.</td></tr>
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Rakhee is my student dentist who has been with me for 35 of my 39 appointments in the past year and my partner in writing the story of my smile reconstruction...not to mention the HERO of it. She is the architect who was able to envision a new and improved me before I ever even thought it was possible, and made me believe in her dream. Every time I pick up a toothbrush or floss it it a "thank you" to her...for showing me after nearly 20 years of feeling incomplete as I watched small parts of me disappear to decay that I'm not broken. For teaching me a new language to speak about the one thing in my life I could never utter and giving me the courage to find a way to make that darkest secret I most hated about myself into something positive and inspiring to the world. For helping me to make something often taken for granted and/or hated or feared into a uniquely heroic tale that for the first time in my life helped also transform my writing into something positive and accessible to thousands of supportive people all over the globe. For giving me the strength and guidance and support to face my deepest, darkest, most depressing secret and brave over a 100 hours in a dentist chair. (So far!) For helping me to find the discipline to save money for the first real time in my life and often sacrifice my sanity to sock away nearly ten grand last year--nearly half my earnings. For showing me that anything is possible if I believe in myself, and for always believing in me. For giving me my smile back, slowly yet surely, and inspiring me to truly open up to the world, regardless of how many teeth I happen to have or how afraid and vulnerable I might feel. For always making me feel <b>taken care of</b>, despite how much pain and torture I have endured throughout my appointments in a way that no family, lover, or best friend ever could, and teaching me to for the first time in my life to take care of the most neglected parts of me. For helping me to heal, in far more ways than just easing the pain of a toothache. For having the patience to deal with a crazy, intense patient like me, for teaching me so much about myself, and I <b>hope</b> even, for allowing my honesty and perseverance to inspire and strengthen her desire to be a dentist and a healer, while bearing witness in such a firsthand and intimate way to the power of her abilities to truly make someone have a better life, to watch them physically transform before her very eyes, and know that it was at her own hand. For being my biggest cheerleader through all of this. I hope that my trust in you and support from the beginning to be a part of such an intensely personal journey, let alone to let me share it with the world in such a graphically-detailed, specific and personal way on the internet, has helped inspire you to be an even better dentist--to see things, for once, so elaborately through a patient's eyes, "shoes," and mouth and truly see how exactly who you are has made a difference in the someone's life. <br />
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Pinar and Rakhee...though they've never met, they kind of go hand in hand to me. My blog about my transformation is as much about both of them as it is me. Pinar was the one who helped me to face my own demons as I helped her face hers, and prepared me mentally to finally move forward before our lives went in different directions. Rakhee is the one who picked up where she left off and helped me to fix myself physically, both of them healers in their own right who helped me to learn to love myself and be more comfortable in my own skin. Years from now, when I look back on my life...there will be the lonely, shy, cynical, alienated and tortured Paul I was for the first part of my existence, and there will be everything ELSE that came after the Hell and back adventures of 2010 I spent in love, compassion and giggles with Pinar, and my physical reconstruction and new beginning at the hands of Rakhee and relearning how to smile, enjoy eating and open up to the world, the two of which who gave me my smile, my happiness, and my life back. Words will never express the immense love and gratitude I have for them, always.<br />
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I also want to share a portion of her reply:<br />
<i>I am speechless Paul. That blog entry was one of the most genuine and sincere things I have ever read! It reminded me why I chose to become a dentist, how small gestures of kindness go a long way, and how big of an impact people can have on another's life! You are great, thank you for that post-- I know that this has been such a crazy journey, but it is so comforting to read that it has truly impacted you in so many positive ways!</i><br />
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</i></div><div><i>I find myself telling people of your story weekly, and ironically was just talking to a student today about you. She was wondering how I got you as my patient, and I said he just kind of "fell into my hands." Her response: wow. I said I know I am really lucky. It is great to know that I have made such a great impact on you, but you have taught me a lot too! You are one of my most complex cases yet, from complex dental procedures to learning new ways to tackle a problem or just understanding what reviving someone's smile can do for their life and future; it has been a great journey indeed! So thank YOU.</i></div><div></div><div>Her sentiment and I guess my sentimentality for our entire journey together and trying to even wrap my head around it all upon the anniversary inspired me to a few other gifts to her the occasion. After several frustrated hours in Photoshop (I'm kind of a Luddite when it comes to art. an analog kid who prefers X-acto blades and tape to computers.) and cropping and resizing and trying to reasonably color correct all the pictures to look somewhat the same, I managed to finally come up with something I was happy with that I have printed out to pass along to her tomorrow. This digital version, however, of course looks better:</div><div></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-8kOuGRYsQpU/Tx0Z58xRRUI/AAAAAAAAAic/ZmQAAYmyyDk/s1600/Smile+Timeline+1small.tif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="308" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-8kOuGRYsQpU/Tx0Z58xRRUI/AAAAAAAAAic/ZmQAAYmyyDk/s400/Smile+Timeline+1small.tif" width="400" /></a></div><div></div><div>After creating this, I thought about how else I feel other things besides just the physical appearance of my mouth have changed as well over the past year. I remembered this old picture of me that happened to get snapped at my 3rd appointment after my gross debridement when Rakhee was documenting the beginning status of my teeth, smile, facial structure, etc. I HAAATE that picture and think I look totally exhausted, nervous and all-around unhappy. I may have yet to overcome completely occasional feelings of stress, depression, anxiety or frustration, etc., but I have most certainly come a long way in the past year. I am human after all! But just the fact that I have begun to manage to loosen up the tension in my face and retrain my muscle memory to be more prone to smiling after so many years of tight lipped scowling and furrowed brows certainly must be becoming more and more evident to all who knew me before. To try to demonstrate that, I also created this for Rakhee and to commemorate the occasion in the blog as well so I could share it with you all. I am trying, slowly, to make the default expression on my face more of a reflection of the inner me--warm and kind and compassionate, and less an image of 20 years of pain, frustration, alienation and bitterness. I hope I am doing better!</div><div><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-_kYIgT7lBjE/Tx0g-H64GGI/AAAAAAAAAik/zsuTCca1HtU/s1600/changes++small.tif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-_kYIgT7lBjE/Tx0g-H64GGI/AAAAAAAAAik/zsuTCca1HtU/s400/changes++small.tif" width="400" /></a></div><div>I am trying to process it all. It has been such a long year and it is still far from over, though we ARE getting close. It is hard to even know where to begin when trying to tell you how many different ways my life has changed. Sometimes pictures can demonstrate more than words in the case of the ones above. Here are a few more that I think also tell a very different story of "Old Paul" vs. "New Paul."<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">For the past several years, all that I ever owned to maintain any sort of oral hygiene was basically one crappy toothbrush I used for far too long, and probably only every other day or so. Before I met Rakhee, this was all I had to take care of my teeth.</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-AEq_dkzudBE/Tx8CX3Kew5I/AAAAAAAAAiw/L7ZkFNCQC7w/s1600/DSC00169.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="337" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-AEq_dkzudBE/Tx8CX3Kew5I/AAAAAAAAAiw/L7ZkFNCQC7w/s400/DSC00169.JPG" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Though I didn't manage to save everything, this is the majority of all I used and used up to take care of my teeth in the past year. I currently have an electric toothbrush, prescription toothpaste and use 3 or 4 different kinds of floss. I will probably buy a water pick soon, and need to get more mouth rinse at the moment. I think I am going to even start carrying it on my bike in my "extra" 3rd water bottle holder that usually has peanut butter in it.</td></tr>
</tbody></table> I am glad that I can say, that I feel I have almost forgotten what it was like to feel pain in my mouth. The cuts and stitches and shots from corrective procedures are nothing compared to a single day in my previous life, and I gladly would have traded the pain of an implant healing for a few days with what it felt like to accidentally bite down on infected tissue growing over a fractured crown while chewing any day. It is hard to believe how much I have been through in the past year, and even harder to believe how many years I tried to ignore such intense pain previously, living in perpetual denial and pretending it would go away or I would one day win the lottery or something, and it would all figure itself out for me.</div>Paulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06387533812545278787noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11658853097204360.post-77562926012107643122012-01-17T12:30:00.002-07:002012-01-22T02:22:51.418-07:00My 39th Appointment and 2 more implants.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div>On January 9th after a long hiatus, I went in for my second and third of six dental implants, and my sixth major dental surgical appointment. In case you don't know, student dentists often go on rotation, working in different departments or in the case of 4th years, with entirely different educational institutions altogether in different parts of the country. This has proved particularly difficult in trying to work around in order to allow Rakhee to be directly involved in my treatment (rather than her other classmates who have often assisted, or her mentee student) but also to find times when her schedule, the implant specialist for the school's schedule, my work schedule, and also that of my friends who have helped me with rides to the 30 mile away clinic to all manage to line up. I had hoped this surgery could come a month sooner, but we could not resolve the time conflicts. Some people might ask, "Wouldn't it be easier to just go someplace else to get implants?" but that is not an option to me. Rakhee and I began this journey together, and I aim to try my best to allow her to be a part of as much of the restoration and completion of my treatment plan as possible while she is still available. <i>We are a team</i>. I'm not sure I could explain that any better to anyone but us. Those four words are the only ones I need to explain it to myself.<br />
These implants were basically the same as the first one, so I will spare you the majority of the details. Surgeries are a little more intense than other appointments in every sense of the word, and there are also three people hovering over me and my mouth at all times so I don't get the luxury to really take many pictures, but I did snap a few that I will share with you.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-mRXzGWjgMlw/TxXHmNVRr-I/AAAAAAAAAf0/J2H9SkWlCsk/s1600/DSC00063.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="368" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-mRXzGWjgMlw/TxXHmNVRr-I/AAAAAAAAAf0/J2H9SkWlCsk/s400/DSC00063.JPG" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Before we began, Rakhee's student assistant El mentioned how great the tray looked and how she wished she could remember this exact set-up to use in the future. I happily accommodated and took this picture for her. Hope she reads this!</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Eg4BolwAz9Q/TxXH7nGRA0I/AAAAAAAAAf8/IiPRpDiu_74/s1600/DSC00061.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="300" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Eg4BolwAz9Q/TxXH7nGRA0I/AAAAAAAAAf8/IiPRpDiu_74/s400/DSC00061.JPG" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Here is a pic of all the Zimmer drill bits and tools for implant placement. I'm curious what the colors mean. Note there are several diameters to drill increasingly large pilot holes until the necessary width of the hole is achieved. In this case, my particular implants were both 4.7mm.</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-WjAAf2aVs98/TxXIAfbTrKI/AAAAAAAAAgE/K_NqSOzcSnI/s1600/DSC00062.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="300" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-WjAAf2aVs98/TxXIAfbTrKI/AAAAAAAAAgE/K_NqSOzcSnI/s400/DSC00062.JPG" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Here is a slightly more detailed picture. Note the little ratchet in the back. Damn I miss my dremel!</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-wAIbvlaYhds/TxXJvucA3mI/AAAAAAAAAgM/i5mH3Ivz9aM/s1600/DSC00065.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="300" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-wAIbvlaYhds/TxXJvucA3mI/AAAAAAAAAgM/i5mH3Ivz9aM/s400/DSC00065.JPG" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I have certainly tasted blood in my mouth a lot over the years, not to mention in all my surgeries the past year, but I must admit, feeling the first incision when the <i>flaps</i> are being made and feeling files on my actual bone and the sudden surge of rusty blood taste in my mouth still made me feel a little nauseous. This was the first time I can recall actually feeling that way for a bit in an appointment, and I had to disassociate from everything for a minute and breathe til it subsided.</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-WTYmD03XVs0/TxXKRDrr3eI/AAAAAAAAAgU/uoOT27vVBz4/s1600/DSC00070.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="308" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-WTYmD03XVs0/TxXKRDrr3eI/AAAAAAAAAgU/uoOT27vVBz4/s400/DSC00070.JPG" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">After the desired diameter and depth of the hole in my head has been achieved, the dentist places a <i>guide pin</i> in the hole and takes an Xray in order to determine if the correct angulation has been reached and that the pin should be parallel with the roots of the adjacent teeth and also centered in the bone. Above is one of my bloody guide pins after the Xrays.</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-ggwlhd0HQU8/TxXKbSXgm2I/AAAAAAAAAgc/yUVJF1TGEPg/s1600/DSC00073.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="300" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-ggwlhd0HQU8/TxXKbSXgm2I/AAAAAAAAAgc/yUVJF1TGEPg/s400/DSC00073.JPG" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I keep forgetting to ask if I can have the little containers my implants come in, dammit!</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-_M_D6D2GS-Y/TxXLJY4DC4I/AAAAAAAAAgk/EWKelCqR5HM/s1600/GOPR1109.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="300" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-_M_D6D2GS-Y/TxXLJY4DC4I/AAAAAAAAAgk/EWKelCqR5HM/s400/GOPR1109.JPG" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Rakhee and El taking turns suturing. These pics are some of the first I've taken at the dentist with my new GoPro HD Hero camera I got myself for my birthday. It was really the ONLY purchase of a significant amount I have spent the entire past year for anything "unnecessary" since I have been saving virtually every cent past rent, food and phone to pay for my treatment plan. </td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Lli3h8QMNEU/TxXLMSBbgxI/AAAAAAAAAgs/8ZT-pUpp564/s1600/GOPR1111.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="300" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Lli3h8QMNEU/TxXLMSBbgxI/AAAAAAAAAgs/8ZT-pUpp564/s400/GOPR1111.JPG" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Hey El, that is the treacherous "Minnesota," right? Or is that a "cowhorn?" I forget what that is, and I never really got to see some of those tools I hated from your perspectives. All I know is that one of my previous extraction appointments I swore that thing was gonna tear through the side of my cheek!</td></tr>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-htLBtHapy94/TxXLPQK2r5I/AAAAAAAAAg0/XorVwCgwH7Q/s1600/GOPR1117.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-htLBtHapy94/TxXLPQK2r5I/AAAAAAAAAg0/XorVwCgwH7Q/s400/GOPR1117.JPG" width="400" /></a></div><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-UUWmrN-W_zA/TxXLccd8eCI/AAAAAAAAAg8/YIpFR4XY-rA/s1600/GOPR1125.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="300" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-UUWmrN-W_zA/TxXLccd8eCI/AAAAAAAAAg8/YIpFR4XY-rA/s400/GOPR1125.JPG" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I'm including this one just because it came out dark and looks more sinister!</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-EEqXuUoperY/TxvQ_OSk7GI/AAAAAAAAAh8/FYOKS6KtQ_s/s1600/DSC00043.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="400" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-EEqXuUoperY/TxvQ_OSk7GI/AAAAAAAAAh8/FYOKS6KtQ_s/s400/DSC00043.JPG" width="325" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">It had been 2 1/2 months since my last appointment, nearing the one year anniversary of my first appointment, and I felt it was time once again to show my dentist some love. I totally forgot to take a picture of the present before I gave it to her. It is an ice cube tray that makes denture-shaped ice cubes! Upon reflection a few days after I gave it to her it occurred to me...that I always keep giving her these fun and silly dentistry-related gifts that I later want as well!</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-5YKA5RMINc8/TxvRBBkvXbI/AAAAAAAAAiE/iLq2YjRPdU8/s1600/DSC00051.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="300" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-5YKA5RMINc8/TxvRBBkvXbI/AAAAAAAAAiE/iLq2YjRPdU8/s400/DSC00051.JPG" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I recently bought a set of Polaroid-shaped cards I had intended on mailing for the holidays. (I love Polaroids and still use mine despite film costing almost $2.00 per picture. Though I have yet to find the time to share many of them, as I flipped through them, this one seemed perfect for the occasion.</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-s7vpABrWXJs/TxvRDTrkLyI/AAAAAAAAAiM/l2zffbVy4m0/s1600/DSC00053.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="300" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-s7vpABrWXJs/TxvRDTrkLyI/AAAAAAAAAiM/l2zffbVy4m0/s400/DSC00053.JPG" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This is actually rare for me, that a card or a letter be so "short and sweet." If you read the previous blog entry, however, of the "30 most inspiring people I have ever known," my entry for her which I shared shortly after this, is much more extensive, in reflection upon the past year and how far we have come.</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-KM8UbT6z_2M/TxvRVIvuhcI/AAAAAAAAAiU/lw7enORCRSE/s1600/DSC00077.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="300" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-KM8UbT6z_2M/TxvRVIvuhcI/AAAAAAAAAiU/lw7enORCRSE/s400/DSC00077.JPG" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I took this shortly before I left the clinic, which has seemed to become a customary ritual to document how out of it I look. Also...I bleached my hair!</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-5Cqp4W1gkbM/TxvPLDWCmVI/AAAAAAAAAh0/sJXRjmoRbfM/s1600/DSC00089.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="300" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-5Cqp4W1gkbM/TxvPLDWCmVI/AAAAAAAAAh0/sJXRjmoRbfM/s400/DSC00089.JPG" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I took this several hours later that night to get a better look at my stitches. Shown is the site of my implant for tooth #20.</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-C52LFYHLgmo/TxvNxZiVKKI/AAAAAAAAAhk/ddt8UEAnbrQ/s1600/DSC00080.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="300" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-C52LFYHLgmo/TxvNxZiVKKI/AAAAAAAAAhk/ddt8UEAnbrQ/s400/DSC00080.JPG" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">And here is the view of the implant site of tooth #12, which, interestingly enough, the whole time during my surgery I had actually thought was #14! It FELT like 14, strangely enough. But that one, as well as my implants at 8 and 10 will be saved for another day very soon I hope, provided my bone has regenerated well. We shall see!<br />
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</tbody></table><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div>Paulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06387533812545278787noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11658853097204360.post-81749099920726332212012-01-15T14:15:00.003-07:002012-05-27T14:50:55.356-07:00The 30 most positively influential/inspiring people I have ever known, that helped shape me into who I am today, and why.(I posted this on Facebook as a note just before Christmas, 2011. I hope to find the time to finish it real soon. I felt it all related to who I am now and where I am in my life and how I got here, and wanted to share to the world the people who have mattered most to me. It's still not quote finished) <br />
<br />
Winter is always a time of reflection for me and often I seems to find myself taking an inventory of who I am and all I have experienced--if you don't know, I make a lot of lists and write myself tons of notes. It is also a death of old ways of being, of sorts, so that I can emerge in the new year a stronger, more confident new me. This being said, I spent a lot of time this weekend reading through some old journals. I have compiled a list of who I consider to be the 30 most (positively) influential people I have ever come into contact with in my life, that have helped to make me a better person, and/or helped to shape and give clarity to who I am. I had originally only wanted to do 10 but it was fucking impossible! Below is this list, in somewhat of a chronological order, each followed by a small explanation of why. Congrats if you made the list. You don't "win" anything, but I owe you my everlasting love, gratitude and friendship. Thank you. I can't help but wonder whose lists out there in the world the crazy person I have been for most of my life has also managed to inspire.<br />
<i>Know that it is all of you who had the biggest impact on me, and have made me who I am today.</i><br />
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1 & 2. My Grandparents.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Me and my Grandparents. 1980.</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-_IcPHZLIL2g/TxNB1VukS0I/AAAAAAAAAfU/N1qUEM3BEiY/s1600/SUNP2118.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="300" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-_IcPHZLIL2g/TxNB1VukS0I/AAAAAAAAAfU/N1qUEM3BEiY/s400/SUNP2118.JPG" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Me and Ma at Demay. Christmas 2005.</td></tr>
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My Grandparents rescued me from what would have certainly been a worse life, and raised me as their own, despite being in their 40s & 50s and living off of social security. They both cared more for all their children than any other examples I knew growing up, and sacrificed many luxuries, living simply in an old-fashioned way in a small town I would in many ways fail to see the significance of til after I finally left it, til after they were gone. I owe my tinkering, DIY, stubborn spirit and goofy old man sense of humor largely to Grampa, my self-sacrifice, empathy, compassion and selfless support of those I love to Ma. More than anyone, I know my heart would burn with a dim flicker of what it does today if they had not saved me from my previous circumstances. Every positive thing I do for anyone else in the world stands as a tribute to the impact they had on me. I hope they knew how much I loved them, before the shy, awkward kid I was ever grew old enough to realize it and tell them. They were the heart of my whole family, and I am forever grateful that they saved my life. They always tried the best that they could, and even though I grew up far from perfect, it was enough. There was not a single day of my life that I could ever doubt they had anything but love for me. <b>I may not have been created by them, but it was them, and truly them, who gave me life.</b><br />
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3&4. My Aunt Barb & Uncle Robert<br />
If my Grandparents were my quirky old-fashioned elders, Barb & Robert were like my "OTHER other set of fun parents." I know it is totally Barb's fault I grew up loving so much cheesy 80s music and taping the top 40 religiously every Sunday. Barb was generous enough to pay me a $2.00 allowance when no one else in my family did, and probably had more to do with teaching me to wash and comb my hair than anyone, though I always hated all matters of hygiene. She was the first person in my family that ever did something adventurous and GOT OUT of our little town to run off to Alaska, and I know that way back then that it always filled me me with wonder, to hear her stories of what life was like so far away from all of us. Robert on the other hand, entrusted me with the privilege of using his full movie and music collection at a very young age and I know without him I would not have grown up with such a love for movies and lived vicariously through so many fictitious heroes throughout my sheltered rural existence. In my early teens they used to always take me to wander the mall and see movies together. To this day I can't set foot in a movie theater, play an arcade game, or listen to 80s music without thinking of them. I spent many nights after school fascinated with Sci-Fi doing my homework in Robert's room while we watched Star Trek and solving all the riddles of our Nintendo and Genesis games together.<br />
For the 6 days a week that my "real parents" were never around, even only as single people with small incomes in their early 20s and 30s, they always tried to give me the fun life that no one else did. I doubt to this day that either of them realize how much that meant to me.<br />
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5. Andy Sampson was my neighbor and best friend i played war in the woods with every day for years from around 3rd through 5th grade. He was the biggest kid in our class and a few years older, and I was always one of the smallest, and I know fearlessly wrestling with him and pretending we were Rambo and GI Joes in the woods virtually every day had a huge effect on me being able to face other people who fucked with me, and in general "not take any shit." Together, our imaginations transformed a few small acres of land we were allowed to roam around in into an entire world of fun adventures of our team against...well, everyone, where we of course, always emerged triumphant. When I finally left NY, I couldn't help but think of him in my travels as I was finally facing my "Rambo complex," and seeing how I could truly survive out in the REAL world with whatever circumstances befell me without my giant friend and our arsenal of plastic weapons, stick swords and rock grenades to protect me.<br />
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6. Mr. Gill was my 5th grade teacher and whom I credit with giving me much of my "punny" grandfather sense of humor from and interest in science and how things work. He inspired me to be virtually the only 5th grader I knew who read Popular Science and took all his toys apart. He always found a way to make science, and all subjects for that matter fun for his students, and probably gave me more praise for doing well than any other teacher I ever had. He was the first teacher I had that treated me like a son and always had a way of making me feel like the smartest kid he knew, and truly felt sad having to leave him and go to middle school at the end of the year.<br />
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7. Mr. Cook was my 9th grade English teacher, whom I'd also spent some time with previously in the "Gifted and Talented" program. He was the first teacher I had who supported my creative writing and encouraged me when I began to write my own strange definition of "poetry" that year. We had to turn in a few 100 words of writing per week that counted as a large portion of our grade, and though I made it through high school and even college without remotely liking or even truly understanding the logistics of how to go about writing a research paper and practically failed every one I ever attempted, I still passed his class because my other writing scored so high. 9th grade was a huge year for my creativity. I don't know if it had anything to do with my Grandfather dying the previous year or not, but it was when my art and writing really took off. I always used to back and hang out with him on occasion after class and show him more recent writing during the rest of my time in high school, and despite it being all over the place, his criticisms always seemed to make sense and he always found positive things to say. I have always wanted to show him how much better it became later in my life, and share y blog with him if I could ever track him down to give him a little more insight into who I was back then. If not for him I don't know if I would have ever developed my writing into such an integral part of who I am. He was the only english/writing teacher I ever felt close with. I hope one day we can reconnect.<br />
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8. "Pfaff" was my 9th grade Studio Art teacher, and my main art teacher and mentor throughout the rest of my high school art career.<br />
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9. Regina Lepkosky was quite possibly the first girl I ever had some sort of weird "crush" on when I was 16, whom I met at my old neighbor best friend Andy's grandmother's wake and spent only 3 short days hanging out with her. I was in fact, super sheltered and never hung out with anyone outside of school really. She was the first girl I ever walked on the beach with, the first whose name I ever carved in a tree and ran up my grandmother's phone bill calling on the other side of the country. I stayed up all night the day she left writing the first "song" of my life trying to somehow put into words how I was feeling, and she also became the first penpal I ever had, and first person I made cheesy mixtapes for trying to somehow communicate the "real me" through music to a near stranger. Though we never became more than friends and mostly lost touch a year or so later, she to this day stands as the person who planted many of the seeds that would later become the sensitive, emotional, romantic and poetic me.<br />
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10. Ira Gray<br />
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11. Robyn McLaughlin - Years before the internet became widely available, Robyn was the first total stranger I ever wrote to based on a short ad in a newspaper for penpals, and is the first person I ever reached out to and fumbled through my every stream of consciously rambled thought for 10 page letters on a weekly basis, desperate for any sort of new friends outside of my close-minded school when I was 17. She was the one who inspired me to write constantly, to realize that I could better understand my thoughts if I could just get them out, and in a year we wrote each other over 50 letters. Though she only lived like 70 miles away, and though during that point in my life she was quite probably the closest, most valued person to me in the universe whose letters brought me more joy than most other things, we tragically never met before I lost touch with her. She was the gateway to me unlocking my soul via a black Pilot ultrafine pen on narrow-ruled paper, inspiring me to at one point have ten penpals and spending the majority of all my spare time my last year and a half of high school writing hundreds of letters and finding a voice to tell a small handful of people who the real me was, despite always feeling shy and like a total alien in my high school.<br />
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12. Christine Iacovetta<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Me and Christine in her dorm room at SUNY Oswego. Fall 1997.</td></tr>
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was my first best friend I had in college, and the one who inspired me to become vegan.<br />
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13. Norris Flint was the landlord of the house my family rented for over 30 years, and owner of the 120 acres in our neighborhood that I grew up playing in. He was a lifelong farmer, who lived to be nearly a 100, older than anyone I have ever known, and worked virtually every day of his life. He also dug graves for several of the cemeteries in the nearby towns, mostly by hand, and buried over 7,000 people in his life, including his wife and my Grandfather. He never really charged us more rent than it took him to pay his taxes. He was a friend to all, with one of the most unique voices I have ever heard, and I always enjoyed the days we would visit with him when we went to pay the rent, chasing cats on his ports and chickens and Guinea hens all over his yard, and trying to get the attention of his cows. He was the first real farmer I knew, and one of the nicest and most generous and understanding people in the world. His land was my entire world as a kid, my playground, and I believe that I spent more time exploring it and being captivated by it that anyone else ever did. He always felt like he was a 1,000 years old to me, and was probably the closest thing to a "wizard" in my eyes as anyone I have ever known. He may have been a man of few words, but you could never doubt that he was a wise man who lived a full life by looking into his kind eyes. He was the one, after all, that we all entrusted to take care of the bodies of our loved ones. Whenever I asked him a question about farming or splitting wood, it always felt like he was the dictionary, and if it wasn't working for me, I must not be listening. I will never forget, one of the last times I saw him he had asked me why I didn't eat meat, and though we were from entirely different times and worlds, when I explained to him about factory farms and pesticides and mankind exploiting animals rather than being caretakers of them, I could tell deeply within him, that he knew all too well, and it felt like he had carried years of sadness about the way the world was changing. It felt like, this one 100 year old man understood this one radical choice of mine better than virtually anyone in my family or my town who all seemed to think I was crazy. I will never forget that day, and I will never forget Norris. His life is a testament to what one man can do to me, and I think of him whenever I pick up a shovel to dig a hole or feel the earth in my fingertips, every time I pack my toys and tools and snacks and run off into the wilderness like I might not come back. He always felt like part of our family, like a Grandfather to all of us, and I am eternally grateful for his kindness that allowed my poor family to afford such a nice Home.<br />
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14. Matthew Friday<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Sammy, Me, Matthew, Eric, Laurel at Lousia's graduation party, Oswego, 2000.</td></tr>
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15. Aaron Gordon<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">With Mike and Amanda. Oswego, 2002?</td></tr>
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Aaron was my best guy friend in college i always went out drinking and playing pool with who always tried to get me layed. He was the first art student I knew who started his own business, the first person who ever taught me how to burn my first cd, and one of my first male friends to regularly hit on me. We were the most hilarious couple of dudes to ever regularly frequent Greene's Ale House, him an overweight, goofy John Candy sort of character, and me usually looking like a polyester-clad, bleached hair Billy Idol wannabe. We were also to my knowledge, largely responsible for them removing the air hockey table due to liability for how crazy we played, often hitting people with the puck. Aaron more than anyone I think, in my early 20s, wanted to drag me out of my shyness and empower me to see the world and talk to girls. Though he sadly lost his life to cancer at 27, thanks to a "Good Will Hunting" conspiracy with Matthew, I hope that he knows that he did just that. I can never play a game of pool or listen to our 4 favorite jukebox favorites (moondance, respect, salisbury hill, another one bites the dust) or watch full metal jacket without thinking of him. In fact, on the rare occasions I actually win at pool, I know that he is with me.<br />
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16. Ashleigh Spaulding.<br />
After I graduated college, I ended up in a similar confusing, lonely place back at home in the middle of nowhere without a car like I was in high school. The main difference was, Al Gore and his friends somewhere had gone and invented the internet, and though I grew up without cable, for the first time in my life the world was at my fingertips during my lifetime of insomnia. Instead of penpals, I began my search to try to define who I was in online profiles of various sites in hopes I might connect with someone out there, somewhere. Before the days of Facebook, Myspace and Friendster, the first site I stumbled upon to network was Makeoutclub.com, geared towards the emo/punk/hipster community I guess. I was kind of in fact, one of those in 2001. Around that time I was also fascinated with Chuck Palahniuk and the poet Jeffrey McDaniel, who had a huge inspiration on my early writing. The first "internet crush" I ever found online was Ashleigh. In the early days of my internet presence, I would mostly look for girls who liked Fight Club and music I liked and try to impress them with my clever, sarcastic metaphors, Ashleigh included. She was the first girl I ever stayed up all night talking to on AIM, the first one who I am sure had a hand in inspiring me to always be trying to write a novel about a hopeless romantic who worked at a dildo factory I never finished, and the one of the people who inspired me to begin writing my every thought in Livejournal to share my writing with the world. She was the first voice on a computer screen that filled me with joy and made me laugh. Our connection will always remind me of listening to saves the day in my minidisc recorder in the most expensive headphones I ever owned after I bought my first bike in my life and pedaled off into the sunrise after staying up all night chatting on the way to my first screenprinting job. Though we never did meet, she remains a mystery and a muse and yet another of those early people I was smitten with who propelled my writing forward and helped me to find my voice in those early days before I finally escaped the town I grew up in. I don't know if it was really love, or if we would even get along in real life, but to this day our online babbling can still hold my attention like no other, and I think we will always be special and unique connection unlike any other we have. My heart still skips a beat whenever she says hello. She's disappeared a lot over the past 10 years, but I am glad she always comes back to surprise me when I least expect it. XfuckingO...<br />
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17. Kate W.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">One of the first pics Kate ever sent me. Winter 2003.</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Leaving viola practice to brave the snow again at SUNY Potsdam. Fall 2003</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Those crazy Thought Criminals. Being silly in Great Norther Mall Photobooth, Winter 2003.</td></tr>
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Katie was my first love whom I met during what was quite possibly the worst and most depressing time of my whole life and also probably when I was the "craziest." It was so long ago now that I almost forget what I was like before then, but...she was the first person I ever kissed sober, the first person who ever made me believe in love or ever feel beautiful, the first person I ever told my lifelong secret about my teeth. The first person who ever gave me the courage to bring to life the crazy, adventurous character I always envisioned myself as in my writing so that I didn't feel like a shy, awkward, emo hypocrite. Kate taught me how to treat every moment like it was our last, talk to and help strangers, love the viola, and at the end of each night together, fall asleep happy and at peace confident that if "this (life) is all we have," at least we lived the shit out of it. To risk everything for the sake of my dreams, even if in that point in my life my biggest dream was a person. She showed me for the first time, that I was capable of taking care of and loving someone, even if I wasn't always good at taking care at or loving myself. Our 11 months together, most of which was a secret from parents who hated me, was the most intensely crazy up and down, <u>romantic</u> and dramatic time of my life that proved to me that I knew how to love someone after writing about it for years, even if it was ultimately bad timing. I will never forget the fearless way she could make anybody laugh, or how I used to always say "if you can make a Paul happy, you can truly change the world." I won't forget secret lovenotes on sugar packets, how my first car was the only place that felt like a home to us, or how every moment together when we first met left us so in awe that we used to say we needed "Wow Tampons" because we had so much wow coming out of our asses. All we ever both wanted was to make an impact on someone and to not every day feel forgotten. I am living proof that those wishes came true, and I hope that she still carries her memories of me like notes scrawled on sugar packets hidden in pockets of brown corduroys. I have 3 tattoos that remind me of her every single day, and I will never set foot in a Dunkin' Donuts, listen to strings, or look at my wrist without missing her and those crazy times when every day felt like the world was ending, but together, we always made it okay.<br />
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18. Kathleen Dowling<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">One of the first pictures I ever saw of Kate from Myspace. Spring 2005.</td></tr>
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Kate is the closest friend I ever made from the internet of almost 7 years who i feel also is perhaps kind of like the closest thing i have ever had to a "sister," though I can't deny the occasional inbreeding/partner in crime fantasies along with everyone else who historically always seems "obsessed" with her. Haha. Though we rarely ever seem to find as much time to be friends as I believe would be mutually beneficial for us, I am nonetheless grateful for every second of time she finds amidst her chaos and single-mothering to share her love and thoughts with me. We bonded over our passion for blunt honesty, sharing secrets and embracing the weirdness of the world, and she is one of the only people I know will always accept and not judge me, no matter what crazy Paul thing I do. I gave her what I consider to be one of the greatest gifts I have ever given anyone years ago--an antique spice rack I have slowly filled with samples of earth and rocks and plants from all of my travels over the years--and though the initial thought behind it was partially to try to slowly inspire her to leave her shitty town and find her own adventures, it recently occurred to me that the REAL gift, the one she has given to me by holding onto such a gift, is the comfort who she is gave me to entrust her with my history. I hope that if anything were to ever happen to me, that with my spice rack of "spells" that she could conjure all of my most epic stories and do my memory justice. She also happens to be raising the most awesome kid I know. I can't wait to see what she does one day when she finally breaks free of Midland and finds the courage to fully confront her own fears, reach her true potential and find happiness and a supportive community of like-minded people, as she has always supported me. I have dreamed of being around for that day for nearly 7 years.<br />
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19. Shannon Murray<br />
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20. Becca Barbanell<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Exploring South Mountain, Phoenix 2007?</td></tr>
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21. Alex Votichenko<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Preparing for Civic Space Jam, Phoenix 2010</td></tr>
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Alex was one of those people I met early on at the Willow House along with Becca, Ryan, Jenna, Allyson, Melissa, Danny, Sean and Ben whose support inspired me to give the place another chance. He was also the one who pointed out a nearby roof he thought seemed safe to sleep on which ended up becoming my home for 3 months when I became homeless, and told me about Way Cool, where I had my second stencil art show here (while still homeless) and let me paint in his backyard despite barely knowing me. Though we were already interested in a lot of the same things and I never managed to meet his crazy friend Merv, it has always been inspiring that he has managed to use his arts, be in music, drawing, making burritos and pulling together some of the best events Phoenix has to offer, often by the skin of his teeth to live life on his own terms ever since I have known him. Similar to Andrew Jackson Jihad in his Phoenix pride despite all the haters, (including myself), Djentrification I think is a mysterious spirit whose passion and presence are permanently embedded in the hearts of all of us downtowners so deeply, that if he were to ever leave here, it would feel at least to me, that one of my favorite parts of Phoenix stopped breathing. Some of his virtuoso nights where I've had the privilege to witness dumbfounded people hear some of his mixes for the first time are some of my favorite moments in Phoenix.<br />
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22. Michael 23 for showing me its okay to be burnt out and crazy and biting off more than you can chew for the greater good of dreams, and always supporting me, and kind of feeling like my Phoenix father in a weird way. for somehow managing to raise a family while also facilitating 3 different communities of crazy artists and providing affordable platforms for them to experiment and take babysteps toward their potential ( or sometimes big steps too!) for creating such an epic annual event with the ritual of the phoenix burn that in my subconsciousness the experience almost feels like the true celebration of another year passing when I am here. for having the patience to actually sit through so many years of house meetings for the greater good of keeping the firehouse a dynamic, interesting and productive space where no one kills each other and where virtually anyone trying to do anything cool in Phoenix can always have a venue to try pulling it out of their ass for the first time. It may not always succeed, but watching so many members of our community grow on the firehouse stage over the years and even if only momentarily make some of their dreams a reality has been truly inspiring. you have given me 2 of my homes in this often frustrating place, and the support and understanding and respect to grow and always feel like a valued member and voice in the arts community. If Phoenix had 10 more people like you, downtown would be a very different place.<br />
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23-24. Ben & Sean<br />
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(of the band Andrew Jackson Jihad) for wearing the heart and soul of Phoenix and all of its ups and downs on their sleeve. they are more of a "mascot" and point of hometown pride and voice of the times in phoenix than any other band, and in my mind they are up there as equals on a wall of fame with beastie boys in how they wove the spirit of NYC within their humorous and absurd lyrics. No one can invoke the same touching sentimentality for this place as they do, whenever I listen to them from afar, No matter how much I have ever hated Phoenix, I can't leave an Andrew Jackson Jihad show without loving it, at least for a night, filled with gratitude to share the experience with every old drunk, teenage hipster, ASU idealist and jaded townie alike. If you told me 4 1/2 years ago that 2 of the bearded white coffee slingers at Willow House would have possibly been capable of making me momentarily well up with Phoenix pride singing Hallmarky shit like "people are the greatest thing to happen," or proclaiming "I am a werewolf," loving the nearest stranger as much as all my friends in the audience and truly feeling like a silly concert is capable of bonding us all, I would have never believed you. Knife man is quite possibly my favorite album of the year, and I am so fucking honored to know these bearded goofballs as real people and to have spent the past 4 1/2 years watching them grow and succeed yet still be as down to earth as the day we met that I feel like a fucking Dad opening his wallet to show off his Sons whenever I play their music for someone new. I love you guys. Thanks for always making every show feel like "We Are the World" when I was a kid before I ever understood why the world was fucked up. Every show you play is a "benefit" to the human race, as far as I am concerned.<br />
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25. Steven Serrano, my supervisor at Tumbleweed for the past 4 years, and friend.<br />
For seeing something in me no one did, giving me one of the greatest opportunities of my life to create the first homeless youth-run screenprinting business in AZ with TumbeTees for 2 1/2 chaotic years of trial and error and reinvention (and also coordinating the Drop In Gallery) and believing a crazy negative artist guy could somehow create something that was an empowering experience for youth. Also for welcoming me back to Tumbleweed during the most epic transformative year of my life to work as a Youth Care Worker when I know I could never have done it any other time. My job has only encouraged me to fight harder and harder to overcome my past fears and negativity and find a positive face to greet the youth we serve and mentor each day. I never would have imagined I would have been a social worker before I came to Phoenix, and now, quite often, it is hard to imagine me being anything but in one way or another. That is certainly Steven's fault, more than anyone else.<br />
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26. Joey G<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-_RmukiEkzZc/TxM5tHKaG3I/AAAAAAAAAc0/2N-iUKfknUI/s1600/img096mb.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="307" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-_RmukiEkzZc/TxM5tHKaG3I/AAAAAAAAAc0/2N-iUKfknUI/s400/img096mb.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Relaxing on the couch on top of the bread truck behind Conspire. 2010</td></tr>
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For perpetually asking "why not?" to every no answer and encouraging everyone to do whatever the fuck they want, making it okay to never grow up and being the Peter Pan hero of all the anarchist lost boys of Phoenix who actually want to build things and not just burn them down. for daring to always try new things and push peoples buttons and try and push people outside of the box, even if they can't think when they get there, or get along. Not every crazy idea can find the right environment and nurturing caretakers to help it grow, but rarely have I ever met a person who tried his damnedest to plant so many seeds in a place that doesn't rain, perpetually living the dream that maybe, just maybe, one of those fucking beans might be magic. Just you wait and see...<br />
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27. Renetto-Mario Etsitty<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-VslnAIfcHFw/TxM7jLMMGRI/AAAAAAAAAdM/_CZeq9AdVUA/s1600/GOPR0537.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="300" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-VslnAIfcHFw/TxM7jLMMGRI/AAAAAAAAAdM/_CZeq9AdVUA/s400/GOPR0537.JPG" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Mario in his kitchen, Fall 2011.</td></tr>
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Though our different habits left me struggling to live under the same roof, Mario has grown on me more after I moved out of the house I shared with him for a year as an elder in a way, a keeper of lost secrets, storyteller, a healer, someone who has created in his rather overwhelmingly "full" house a place that can nonetheless feel like "Home" for all of us wanderers and refugees of the night to share laughs, stories, and always leave with full bellies. I admire the selfless way he shares his culture with all of us, friends and crazy random drunks who show up on his doorstep alike (note: sometimes these are one in the same) and the hours of labor and intentions put into every meal. I am humbled and honored whenever I get to share a kitchen with him, and grateful for all of his help with my fundraising.Whenever I finally leave this place, I hope to carry on a similar dinner party tradition wherever I go.<br />
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28. Pinar Ates Toprak Toy<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-SMDKoDDIUOY/TxM7yTIKw7I/AAAAAAAAAdU/N1P-E3csJCo/s1600/presscot2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="400" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-SMDKoDDIUOY/TxM7yTIKw7I/AAAAAAAAAdU/N1P-E3csJCo/s400/presscot2.jpg" width="300" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Waking up in a snow-covered forest with Totoro in Presscott, AZ. February 2010</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-AbgHAQziQjM/TxM7_pJcWwI/AAAAAAAAAdc/ryi09pbzhQA/s1600/DSC01420.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="300" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-AbgHAQziQjM/TxM7_pJcWwI/AAAAAAAAAdc/ryi09pbzhQA/s400/DSC01420.JPG" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">En route for our 5 day road trip to Boulder, CO. March 2010</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-OmXpMzS6JfI/TxM8btZnMkI/AAAAAAAAAdk/NAtkeEqPCkc/s1600/DSC01628+%25282%2529.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="352" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-OmXpMzS6JfI/TxM8btZnMkI/AAAAAAAAAdk/NAtkeEqPCkc/s400/DSC01628+%25282%2529.JPG" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Exploring the Earthships in progress in Taos, New Mexico, March 2010</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Png3D-jR2d0/TxM9Vw30C3I/AAAAAAAAAds/K4cwFak9olA/s1600/IMG_3205.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="400" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Png3D-jR2d0/TxM9Vw30C3I/AAAAAAAAAds/K4cwFak9olA/s400/IMG_3205.JPG" width="300" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Relaxing in the sun in Yosemite, October 2010</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/--UpICLi35pY/TxM9e2A1iSI/AAAAAAAAAd0/one03_TIASE/s1600/IMG_3417.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="400" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/--UpICLi35pY/TxM9e2A1iSI/AAAAAAAAAd0/one03_TIASE/s400/IMG_3417.JPG" width="300" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Hyperventilating with giggles on the beach</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">San Francisco, November 2010, upon completion of our 1,100 mile bike tour.</td></tr>
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For being the most perfect mirror for who the real me was I've ever looked into, and the most intense companion of my life. for conjuring more love and giggles out of me than anyone else, ever and for being one of the most passionate and sensitive people I have ever known. for showing me that I can change someone's life, and whose strength inspires me every day to move forward with my own. for showing me who i was and what i could be and inspiring me to change the parts I didn't like or die alone and afraid. for sharing her resurrection from the ashes of our tortured Phoenix existence with me and living a dozen lives in our year together. for helping me to reconnect with my family, my past and the earth and show me that i am a spiritual person, and accompanying me on on the greatest adventures of my life. for inspiring me to rethink my 11 years vegan and reinvent myself and learn to take care of myself instead of just my ethics. for helping me to pull off my greatest and most honest public "poetry" performance at my Conspire feature. for always making every day feel like an adventure and allowing me to tag along for over 6,000 miles of memories together with her. for being the first person I ever felt comfortable to accompany on a "vision quest" and for trusting me with her life more than anyone ever has. for having the courage to spend 2 straight months, 24/7 with another crazy person to be my partner for our "Owlala bike tour," what to this day is the greatest adventure, test of strength and will power, and life-changing experience I have ever had or shared with with another person. She was the first person who ever made me feel comfortable enough to give the tour of my mouth, who always believed in me, and helped me find the courage to make my first dentist appointment in 20 years. the first person who helped me to begin to write my first autobiographical story to try to face my childhood and overcome my fears, that would later become the beginning of my blog--a story that has now been viewed over 17,000 times. I will never be able to think of an owl, a raccoon, the redwoods, ride a bike, eat eggs, laugh at a bird walking, watch a Miyazaki movie, go camping, build a fire, use skype, or ride in a Prius or hear the Indiana Jones theme song without thinking of you. It was you who helped to ease the wrinkle in my brow, soften my the perpetual tension in my body and give me voice back. My love letters and emails and notes to you stand as some of the most beautiful, honest, empowering things I have ever written.<br />
Though you may not have been the one doing the reconstruction, one day down the road when I can finally smile again, know that it was YOU who layed the foundation for my dentist(s) to build upon, as together we reminded each other, over and over, that we weren't broken, and were capable of doing anything we wanted to. Even when I don't hear from you, <b>know that your spirit always gives me strength, Pinar</b>. I will always love you. And I still want to help you build that rewilding center one day...<br />
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29. Rakhee Patel<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Rakhee and Trent and my most pain in the ass extractions ever. That's crazy, look how long your hair is!</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Rakhee and Maryam and MORE impressions!</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-iZDQbrRpidU/TxNAVmPNLPI/AAAAAAAAAe8/yz6axbC9VHk/s1600/DSC08151crop.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="400" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-iZDQbrRpidU/TxNAVmPNLPI/AAAAAAAAAe8/yz6axbC9VHk/s400/DSC08151crop.JPG" width="336" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Idunno, I just like this picture. It reminds me--Impressions always seem like a calming Zen moment and 5 minute head hug. (How often does anyone hold your head motionless, anyway!?) It's a humbling and moving time to reflect upon all that we have been through. It's kind of the most at peace one can feel in a dentist's chair...once you learn not to gag, that is.</td></tr>
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Rakhee is my student dentist who has been with me for 35 of my 39 appointments in the past year and my partner in writing the story of my smile reconstruction...not to mention the HERO of it. She is the architect who was able to envision a new and improved me before I ever even thought it was possible, and made me believe in her dream. Every time I pick up a toothbrush or floss it is a "thank you" to her...for showing me after nearly 20 years of feeling incomplete as I watched small parts of me disappear to decay that I'm not broken. For teaching me a new language to speak about the one thing in my life I could never utter and giving me the courage to find a way to make that darkest secret I most hated about myself into something positive and inspiring to the world. For helping me to make something often taken for granted and/or hated or feared into a uniquely heroic tale that for the first time in my life helped also transform my writing into something positive and accessible to thousands of supportive people all over the globe. For giving me the strength and guidance and support to face my deepest, darkest, most depressing secret and brave over a 100 hours in a dentist chair. (So far!) For helping me to find the discipline to save money for the first real time in my life and often sacrifice my sanity to sock away nearly ten grand last year--nearly half my earnings. For showing me that anything is possible if I believe in myself, and for always believing in me. For giving me my smile back, slowly yet surely, and inspiring me to truly open up to the world, regardless of how many teeth I happen to have or how afraid and vulnerable I might feel. For always making me feel <b>taken care of</b>, despite how much pain and torture I have endured throughout my appointments in a way that no family, lover, or best friend ever could, and teaching me to for the first time in my life to take care of the most neglected parts of me. For helping me to heal, in far more ways than just easing the pain of a toothache. For having the patience to deal with a crazy, intense patient like me, for teaching me so much about myself, and I <b>hope</b> even, for allowing my honesty and perseverance to inspire and strengthen her desire to be a dentist and a healer, while bearing witness in such a firsthand and intimate way to the power of her abilities to truly make someone have a better life, to watch them physically transform before her very eyes, and know that it was at her own hand. For being my biggest cheerleader through all of this. I hope that my trust in you and support from the beginning to be a part of such an intensely personal journey, let alone to let me share it with the world in such a graphically-detailed, specific and personal way on the internet, has helped inspire you to be an even better dentist--to see things, for once, so elaborately through a patient's eyes, "shoes," and mouth and truly see how exactly who you are has made a difference in the someone's life. <br />
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Pinar and Rakhee...though they've never met, they kind of go hand in hand to me. My blog about my transformation is as much about both of them as it is me. Pinar was the one who helped me to face my own demons as I helped her face hers, and prepared me mentally to finally move forward before our lives went in different directions. Rakhee is the one who picked up where she left off and helped me to fix myself physically, both of them healers in their own right who helped me to learn to love myself and be more comfortable in my own skin. Years from now, when I look back on my life...there will be the lonely, shy, cynical, alienated and tortured Paul I was for the first part of my existence, and there will be everything ELSE that came after the Hell and back adventures of 2010 I spent in love, compassion and giggles with Pinar, and my physical reconstruction and new beginning at the hands of Rakhee and relearning how to smile, enjoy eating and open up to the world, the two of which who gave me my smile, my happiness, and my life back. Words will never express the immense love and gratitude I have for them, always.<br />
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30. Aja Volkman<br />
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Aja is the singer of my favorite band, Nico Vega and someone I have slowly come to feel like I can actually call a friend after several times we have talked after shows and little connections here and there over the past several months online. I wrote about her and the band in my dental blog, and how an old blog of hers on myspace was one of the inspirations for me to begin facing my fears in such a public way. Despite being a larger than life Goddess on stage, she is one of the most down to earth "rock stars" I have ever met. The last time I saw them I wrote her a 7 page letter about the effect that her and Nico Vega had had on my life, how I consider her a kindred spirit of sorts, and how I always seem to see them when on the verge of a huge turning point in my life. I also baked them a bunch of cookies for the road and shared other little gifts I had created, and though some performers may have just thought I was a crazy, obsessed fan, I knew that Aja would cherish it as a touching outward expression of human emotion. Always wearing her heart on her sleeve, in her lyrics, onstage, in her blog, on facebook, and no doubt in real life, she is someone who to me is the epitome of passion, vulnerability, kindness and understanding, who has magical way of making every single fan in the audience feel connected to her and in the moment. Her captivating presence is unrivaled by any performer I know, and I look forward to her concerts as practically a spiritual experience. Her voice lifts me up from my own deepest depths when nothing else does (and always makes me pedal faster on my bike) and though I don't really get "starstruck" or have "idols," every brief moment when she finds the time to respond to me is like a "high-5 from God" or something, that has always made me smile, even through broken teeth.<br />
I am so grateful to have stumbled upon your music 2 years ago and for all the moments of connection we have shared, however brief, and that people like you exist in the world. "Lucky one" and "wooden dolls" make me cry practically every time, and I hope that when I finally finish my dental work that you will be able to see me regain my smile and my voice as well, as I sing along to your new album. I dream of the possibility of Nico Vega being able to play at my big grand finale "Apple-Eating Party and fundraiser, after all that you guys have helped me to smile the past few years, and reminded me to always "pick it up, pick it up, pick it up!" and also so all the people who have supported me in my community can finally see how amazing you are. Thank you Aja, for being you, and offering so much of who you are to the world. You always help me to remember to be present, fearless and in the moment.Paulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06387533812545278787noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11658853097204360.post-48568210463341473162011-10-29T17:49:00.002-07:002011-11-08T18:23:14.791-07:00Appointment 37 and My Provisional SmileOn Monday, October 24th I had my 37th dentist appointment since January 19th. On the agenda for this appointment was my last 3 extractions of the remnants of my 3 front teeth, bone grafts and my first implant placement, and also the immediate delivery of my provisional 5-tooth denture, or <i>"flipper"</i> upon extraction. This would be the first time I saw myself with the appearance of all my front teeth in nearly 14 years, though it was more like 17 since I first began to be self-conscious from cavities and began tightening my lips in all conversations with the world and suppressing my smiles and laughter around 10th and 11th grade.<br />
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I can't deny that I wasn't kinda nervous going into this appointment. Many of my actually painful, bloody and intense appointments took place months ago, and though I have not forgotten them, I have been lucky to experience several visits that felt more like art classes that Dr. visits. I also knew that though exciting, seeing myself with a different face after half my life was going to be surreal and awkward and hard to process.<br />
It was a really busy, crowded and more "formal" appointment with a doctor performing the procedures and two students assisting, so this time unfortunately I don't really have many pictures, but I will describe the process as best as I can remember. On some occasions I may be incorrect as to what was actually being done, but I am going to describe what it felt like to me.<br />
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First up we were performing my final 3 extractions on my front teeth numbers 8, 9 and 10. Here is one last "before" picture I took on the way to my appointment:<br />
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After 3 or 4 shots, one of which made my eyes water despite my overall fear of needles, including one on the palatal side which always feels awkward, I believe a long incision was made laterally across the gums to sort of create a flap of flesh on either side of my upper jaw bone. Though in the case of my molar extractions there were many times bone had to be filed down in order to get a grip on my fractured roots, great care had to be taken in this case to preserve as much bone and tissue as possible because it is the site of the weakest bone in my mouth and also because it will be visible in my future smile. Amazingly enough, though one of which was surely buried, the first two teeth came out quite effortless and faster than expected. The final one however would introduce me to yet another of my least favorite dental tools/procedures/sensations to add to the list, a <i>perio-tome</i>, which if I had not asked to see it afterward, I would have swore was like 10 times larger.<br />
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From what I understand my last root was somewhat stuck, and the perio-tome was basically used like a wedge between the root and the bone in several places to help break it free. I was thinking in terms of my wood-splitting experience as this was going on however, and though I knew we were trying to preserve as much bone as possible, I was envisioning as a much wider wedge that was in fact spitting my jawbone at all 3 tooth sites so as to pry it apart on the end and pull the last root out. I never got to see if there was actually a mini dental "hammer" or what, but it most certainly felt like a nail was being driven about an inch into my skull. It didn't hurt exactly, but because of bone conduction, hearing it reverberated throughout my whole head and it was entirely freaky.<br />
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All three teeth were out in probably a half hour though and we could gladly move on!<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-eDp022QbAGM/Tqx4a24jyJI/AAAAAAAAAYg/fHUYyvBfsuk/s1600/DSC08639.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-eDp022QbAGM/Tqx4a24jyJI/AAAAAAAAAYg/fHUYyvBfsuk/s400/DSC08639.JPG" width="400" /></a></div>Next up we would be inserting bone graft material at the site of all 3 extractions. Though I am tentatively scheduled according to my treatment plan to receive a 2 implant-supported FPD (fixed partial denture), the middle site is still important because over time the bone can re-absorb/recede without a tooth in the hole. We want to prevent that hopefully so there's the least amount of gap possible between the bridge and my gums at site 9.<br />
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Bone grafts are a little weird. I have never really had any kind of major injury in my life and never had to receive any part of another person's donated body. I had never really imagined even of all those people donating their organs, that a small portion of someone might end up in people's mouths or help others, OR me, smile again. My particular bone grafts came in the form of bone dust that was mixed with water (or saline maybe?) and applied into my root holes after they were fully cleaned with a syringe. It was totally painless. I asked my new student dentist assistant Elif how my living bone could somehow attach to someone else's dead bone and she described it as acting more like a supportive "scaffolding." Perhaps more like a tressle for tomato vines to grow up? A guide? I don't know. I keep making jokes however, wondering whose bone I have in my mouth. Whether it might be some hot girl's pelvis, from the femur or a runner which will make me talk even MORE, or the cranium of a brilliant mathematician or something. Haha. Whoever it is, I am grateful, and I hope their bones and my bones get along.<br />
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After this to help guide the tissue to grow back in a more pronounced and uniform way across the formerly sunken in sites of my gums, a collagen membrane was applied covering the holes. It basically looked like a little inch-long piece of scotch tape. This felt particularly weird because Rakhee was using like, a little "spatula" thing to hold all that flesh away from my jawbone while the doctor was applying it. I'm not sure sometimes if my powers of visualization freak me out more that I would be if I was actually watching these procedures done on someone else or what. Upon completion, I received several stitches, and we moved on.<br />
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We tried my provisional denture in for the first time to see how it fit and determined that it would need to be modified slightly in order to not interfere with the healing tissue of the extraction sites before the day was over. Then we went to take my 3rd <i>I-cat</i> X-ray thus far to get a better picture of how my bone has healed over the past several months at my extraction sites before beginning my first implant.<br />
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The implant actually also went quicker than I thought, though there was one slight snag: my mouth is too small! We would only have time for one implant today, once again beginning the process with an incision at the site of tooth 30--my bottom right first molar. The Dr. then filed down the rounded bone slightly to create more of a broad surface to begin the first of several pilot holes, increasing in size. I asked to see the implant, which was 4.7mms in diameter and 13mms long, or about a half an inch. We continued on with more holes of increasing diameter, I think 3 in all, with the students confirming the angle and "perpendicularity" of the drill from their more advantageous perspectives. We took more X-rays to confirm with some other metal piece in the hole as a reference, one of which happening to be my least favorite angled X-ray because in order to bite down on it hard enough to hold it in place it supremely cuts into the bottom of my tongue, this time from the taste I think making it bleed. During the final pass with the largest drillbit it was virtually impossible to get started at the correct angle because try as I might I could not open my mouth any further to begin the hole more perpendicular. The implant was screwed in very slowly with a cute little mini-rachet until it was flush with the surface of my jawbone, with each turn making a hard click that also reverberated through my skull. Upon the final X-ray it appears because of my small mouth it went in at a hair less than the ideal angle, but the roots of the adjacent tooth were also a little curved and it seemed actually perfectly in line with tooth 28. It was however, no big deal and will just require a custom <i>abutment</i>, or the joining part between the implant and the crown. More stitches to cover the implant with my gum tissue, my appointment was finally almost over! Today was a total MESS of tools and blood, and this wasn't even all of them used:<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-GF0xCk6tgJs/TqyI053zfQI/AAAAAAAAAYw/xrMUn4VImNU/s1600/DSC08640.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-GF0xCk6tgJs/TqyI053zfQI/AAAAAAAAAYw/xrMUn4VImNU/s400/DSC08640.JPG" width="400" /></a></div>6 full <i>carpules</i> of Lidocaine, (3 for upper and 3 for lower) and 3 1/2 hours later, I was almost ready to go home. Rakhee made the modification to my partial and explained I needed to keep it in for 3 days in case of swelling it might not fit again. When it was first put in my mouth I think my tongue was so confused I could barely seem to make the sound of any consonants. It was incredibly disorienting, and I hadn't even seen it yet!<br />
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Being under orders not to lift or exercise for a week and under strict dietary limitations so as not to cause complications with the sensitive bone graft sites, I took the next few days off of work to rest and try to get accustomed to the sight of my mouth full of teeth again. This is, in fact, quite harder than it seems most people think. I've spent a lot of time in the mirror just looking at my mouth and making faces and taking pictures and trying to fight my perpetual urge for years of keeping my lips as narrow as possible in all conversation. I have come a long way over the past several months at opening my mouth, both to friends and strangers, wearing my story on my sleeve in regards to what was "missing" from my mouth. It feels like a different story altogether however finding comfort in teeth being put back IN. I posted a few pictures on facebook before I began to awkwardly make my new public debut of this new transitional smile.<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-N27zF7RWKWc/TqyV9TxbT-I/AAAAAAAAAY4/M8_FPLbTN4M/s1600/DSC08660crop.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="258" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-N27zF7RWKWc/TqyV9TxbT-I/AAAAAAAAAY4/M8_FPLbTN4M/s400/DSC08660crop.JPG" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">A few hours after surgery.</td></tr>
</tbody></table><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-BvYPyiPlLX0/TqyWF60_5CI/AAAAAAAAAZA/W1Gt6q_vtqw/s1600/DSC08648.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-BvYPyiPlLX0/TqyWF60_5CI/AAAAAAAAAZA/W1Gt6q_vtqw/s400/DSC08648.JPG" width="300" /></a></div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-rmOQ33SQDtc/TqyWbemu-zI/AAAAAAAAAZI/A1q2KGuxdPI/s1600/DSC08732.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="317" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-rmOQ33SQDtc/TqyWbemu-zI/AAAAAAAAAZI/A1q2KGuxdPI/s320/DSC08732.JPG" width="320" /></a></div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-tqPI1lyz76o/TqyWd8dXYyI/AAAAAAAAAZQ/YiLzfPkR5Ik/s1600/DSC08697.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-tqPI1lyz76o/TqyWd8dXYyI/AAAAAAAAAZQ/YiLzfPkR5Ik/s400/DSC08697.JPG" width="300" /></a></div>I think some people may have felt that these pictures represented my "big finish" or something at first, and in order to clarify I wanted to also share the following few pictures I did not post on facebook. The teeth in the above pictures are part of a temporary partial denture, kind of like a retainer that just sorta pops in.<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-EaW6jPWK3vA/TqyXeBkRGoI/AAAAAAAAAZY/e9oP9XqoZc0/s1600/DSC08786.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-EaW6jPWK3vA/TqyXeBkRGoI/AAAAAAAAAZY/e9oP9XqoZc0/s400/DSC08786.JPG" width="400" /></a></div><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-cs-Zzap8k4Q/TqyXhRM6AQI/AAAAAAAAAZg/Va_gBbkhZFM/s1600/DSC08791.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="300" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-cs-Zzap8k4Q/TqyXhRM6AQI/AAAAAAAAAZg/Va_gBbkhZFM/s400/DSC08791.JPG" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I think it kind of looks like an elephant!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>It is not what my final smile will look like, and in fact I still have probably 6-8 months and about $12,000 worth of appointments to go. The purpose of this denture is to provide support to my other teeth throughout that time so they do not collapse. I'm sure it also will help to ease the transition in my brain, and also help me eat better once my sutures heal.<br />
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I have been wearing this crazy thing for five days now. Though it is getting a little bit more bearable in general, it is still very hard to overcome my public resistance towards speaking with perky enthusiasm and unleashing big smiles. I feel that some people are disappointed in me that I don't outwardly seem "excited enough" yet, but trust me when I say it is not that easy, and that I am working on it.<br />
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I have taken a few other pictures after resting and sitting with this new plastic friend for a couple of days that I feel look a little bit more natural to me, or just being playful. Here they are:<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-2krRsuHNrLU/Tqya-qkQcYI/AAAAAAAAAZo/TGpXBHlyHkY/s1600/DSC08824.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="400" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-2krRsuHNrLU/Tqya-qkQcYI/AAAAAAAAAZo/TGpXBHlyHkY/s400/DSC08824.JPG" width="300" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This is probably my favorite thus far.</td></tr>
</tbody></table><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-FXWL6LLI2FI/TqybCryD9uI/AAAAAAAAAZw/mFePluPswZc/s1600/DSC08835.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-FXWL6LLI2FI/TqybCryD9uI/AAAAAAAAAZw/mFePluPswZc/s400/DSC08835.JPG" width="300" /></a></div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-QKKq_UM4OYE/TqybFasNUXI/AAAAAAAAAZ4/j5xpRh0t_BY/s1600/DSC08842.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-QKKq_UM4OYE/TqybFasNUXI/AAAAAAAAAZ4/j5xpRh0t_BY/s400/DSC08842.JPG" width="300" /></a></div>And here is a pic, in case you are wondering, or maybe just because Halloween is around the corner and I have gore on the brain from watching zombie movies, of what is healing slowly behind this surreal new plastic smile:<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-3cHdh4XiEDc/TqycR2sYEOI/AAAAAAAAAaA/gGIgVGjC-f8/s1600/DSC08851crop.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="333" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-3cHdh4XiEDc/TqycR2sYEOI/AAAAAAAAAaA/gGIgVGjC-f8/s400/DSC08851crop.JPG" width="400" /></a></div>That's all for now! I have a post-op appointment on November 7th and at that point hope to schedule my next 3 implants for early December providing everything looks good and the implant doctor is available, but now things are kind of a waiting game for me to heal and to raise the remaining $9K for the remaining implants and subsequent crowns to be mounted on them. So I guess it will be nice to have a break from so many appointments and stress over finding rides, though I am honestly going to miss my dentist. I'm sure that sounds crazy to some people! I am going to redirect my energies toward more fundraising events and catching up on a great deal of things I wish to write about in this blog I have been neglecting. Thank you for reading along, though I understand if some of the detail of procedures like in this entry may be monotonous, I am trying to be as thorough as possible in reporting all I remember, all I feel and experience to provide the truest account that I can for all of you wishing to know the story of this transformation. Thanks, as always, for all of your continued support and kind words. It is far from over. I hope to give you more to read really soon! Goodnight.Paulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06387533812545278787noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11658853097204360.post-32008156371574359152011-10-23T18:46:00.000-07:002011-10-23T18:46:12.749-07:00Reflections of the past year on the verge of my first implants & the "home stretch"There has been a lot on my mind lately. My 5th and most recent fundraiser on October 24th was the one year anniversary of the day that my 3rd front tooth, #8, broke in half while in Trinidad, California on a 6 week bicycle tour down the Pacific Coast with my best friend at the time and former partner, Pinar.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-2pb3cRomlbU/TqTBlKUv9gI/AAAAAAAAAYQ/LMkObK0oL1Q/s1600/October+21st%252C+2011.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="300" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-2pb3cRomlbU/TqTBlKUv9gI/AAAAAAAAAYQ/LMkObK0oL1Q/s400/October+21st%252C+2011.JPG" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">October 24th, 2010. Trinidad, California.</td></tr>
</tbody></table> In some ways it felt like the worst day of my life. It was certainly the key toward letting go, releasing nearly 20 years of pain, alienation and isolation and my first step toward moving forward and changing my life, even if in that moment I had no idea how to even remotely begin that journey.<br />
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I could barely speak to or look at anyone for days. It continued to create distance between us for the remainder of the bike tour. On our last night together before the drive from San Luis Obispo back to Phoenix an also the eve of my 33rd birthday on November 10th, I found myself with a horrible toothaches, awake most of the night listening to songs I recorded 5 years prior during my final months in New York. My voice has changed a lot since I left the humidity of my forest upbringing and Lake Ontario, partially I think due to allergies and the pollution of cities, the dry heat of the desert and continuing decay of my teeth. Listening to me screaming lyrics felt like hearing the voice of a friend from beyond the grave, a voice I felt I would never hear again.<br />
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It was hard to come back to Phoenix. When I left 2 months earlier I had dreamed I would find a new place to start over in and in a way returning felt like just one more thing to be "ashamed" of even though we had successfully completed our 1,100 mile adventure. This was further complicated by not all of our memories being as perfect as I may have hoped, by knowing that our dynamic as partners and friends would be different than it once was, by knowing that I had never opened up to anyone but Pinar about my secret, and that I had no idea how to begin. How do you come back "home" after that when no one really knows shit about how you are feeling and all you have been through in the 2 most intensely beautiful yet tragic, life-changing months of your life? How do you put on a fake smile (when you don't even smile to begin with) to reply to all your friends questions, "Yeah, it was SOOO awesome!" when you are also totally fucking scared to even look at them?<br />
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I returned to Phoenix with about $3-400 to my name, homeless again, broken-hearted and completely unsure how to even begin to tackle the road that lay ahead if I were to finally begin to fix my mouth. (I did however, have the strongest legs of my life!) Pinar left to continue her own healing journey alone in Peru, I moved in with my friend Robyn temporarily and tried to figure out what was next for me. It was around this time that I wrote my "Ask for Help" note on facebook and stenciled a shirt, began trying to make money bartering bike repair services, and worked part time cooking and baking vegan food at the downtown collective and hangout space, Conspire.<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-QdL6mabGgCQ/TqTCtPiCZuI/AAAAAAAAAYY/eK8bbsH__ng/s1600/DSC06136.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-QdL6mabGgCQ/TqTCtPiCZuI/AAAAAAAAAYY/eK8bbsH__ng/s400/DSC06136.JPG" width="400" /></a></div><br />
I tried searching the internet for dental resources, but found little hope or answers. I began to talk a little about my secret with a few close friends. Everywhere I tried to call, from non-profits with once a month dental lotteries, resources for the homeless and a few random private practices, none seemed to have any answers or guidance for someone like me or were over a $100 just to even look in my mouth.<br />
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After talking to a friend who is an ER Doctor it was suggested I pursue a dental university as a possible cheaper option, but after calling around I could not be seen for over a month at the closest one. I tried again at A.T. Still University in Mesa and finally made my first appointment in 20 years for early February.<br />
I still had a lot I was trying to process about the past several months of my life, and was repeatedly dissapointed upon Pinar's return that I could not find the time I felt was needed to work through all our experiences before she would leave for college. The night before she left, at the end of my rope, I wrote what would be the first attempt at an autobiographical narrative trying to put into perspective what the fuck happened in my childhood to make me this way and somehow put into words what it was that I felt happened to me to make me stop brushing my teeth. I wrote the majority of it in one sitting with virtually no editing, and cried several times reading it aloud on the phone to my former partner as she drove further and further from my life toward her own new journey to begin. It was the first time in my life I felt any of it even made sense or registered to me, like the first step away from over 15 years of denial was finally over. Shortly after I posted my secret to about 40 of my closest friends on facebook, and after such an overwhelmingly supportive and positive response from friends and acquaintances alike, a few days later took a deep breath and posted it to the world.<br />
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What followed in the months to come is hard to even put into words. I am still struggling every day to understand all that has changed in my life as documented in this blog, struggling to find enough time alone with myself and my thoughts and my mouth to really take it all in and realize how far I have come. I got a call mid-January from the dental school saying that my appointment had been moved up a few weeks and on that fateful day I would meet a very special dentist that would change my life, with each appointment helping me to find the strength to face my fears and little by little rebuild something I thought I had lost forever.<br />
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In the past 9 months and 36 appointments I have suffered through 13 extractions, 12 fillings, 2 root canals, 2 crowns, probably a 100 shots, dozens of X-rays, like 15 impressions without gagging, and have managed to find almost 2,000 miles worth of rides from friends and strangers to my Mesa appointments without ever missing one, with the exception of my grandmother's funeral. My blog has been viewed over 45,000 times in over 75 countries, and between it and the 5 fundraisers I have hosted I have raised nearly five grand from all over the US to make my grand total just over $12,000 counting the $1,000 my insurance covered and my savings. My <a href="http://smilepaul2011.blogspot.com/2011/02/this-is-longer-autobiographical.html">autobiographical narrative</a>, largely summing up what for years felt like the only "life story" I could see yet never speak of alone has been viewed 17,000 times. In a way, it feels like I have sold like 500 copies of a $10 book to the world. It feels like for once my writing actually really is making a difference and having a positive effect on others around the globe.<br />
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I now have 17 healthy, finished teeth out of final 24 I will have, am no longer in any pain, and can most of the time feel comfortable even opening my mouth to total strangers, now wearing my story on my sleeve everywhere I go. I am slowly relearning to eat foods I have long since avoided and/or forgotten, and trying to visualize myself with a real smile on my face again, even if my face oesn't quite yet seem to naturally contort into one correctly.<br />
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Tomorrow morning at 8:30AM will be the most expensive and intense appointment I have ever had, at over $3,000, and I am paying cash. After never really finding the discipline to save over maybe $1,500 at once my whole life and always being in debt, it is truly empowering to know that for once I have been able to pull out all the stops and make lots of daily sacrifices for the greater good of myself, to be able to confidently KNOW and say that in a year and a half I will have found a way to raise 22 thousand dollars. After that, I hope that as predicted, it will truly feel that anything is possible. I can't even begin to imagine how in addition to all I have learned and grown and healed and overcome, what new doors being able to smile again will open for me, what doors I have kept locked for so many years that I will now choose to open.<br />
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Tomorrow I will finally get my last eyesore of a tooth that you can still see extracted, #8, along with its 2 nearby friends buried deep beneath the gumline that I lost when I was 20 and 25. I will probably have bone grafts at those sites to help regenerate supporting bone for future implants, and will also be getting my first two mandibularly molar implants at sites 19 and 30. On top of all of this, I will be fitted with a provisional denture for my top 5 missing teeth to wear for the next several months mostly for cosmetic reasons but also to restore some function and stop my other teeth from collapsing. I am frankly not quite sure which one of these makes me more anxious! Though they will look somewhat different from the finished product months from now, tomorrow afternoon will be the first time I have seen myself with this many of my upper teeth in nearly 14 years. It is going to be a trip, and I am sure probably going to somewhat freak me the hell out and be really weird to get used to. I am really curious how it will effect my voice, and what it will be like to begin chewing everywhere after my extraction sites heal. I am actually kinda scared for the most in quite a while, but definitely still excited. I am not supposed to exercise for 5 days, and plan on staying in bed watching movies for most of the week, and all of my readers out there have ever been thinking about sending a "get well" card, this is most certainly the one! My birthday is also coming up on November 10th, wink wink.<br />
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I hope that you all have enjoyed and found meaning in my story, and I am eternally grateful to have found so many compassionate and supportive listeners also eagerly awaiting to see the new and improved me. You all help me to continue to find the strength to move forward and to strive to find a focus and balance in my life as never before. I hope you will think of me tomorrow morning and send me as much positive energy as you can spare. It is probably going to be my longest appointment yet. For now, I will bid you goodnight, and leave you all to wait in suspense of my tomorrow's pictures! Thanks, as always, for reading...Paulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06387533812545278787noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11658853097204360.post-62553069529509071702011-10-09T13:48:00.001-07:002011-10-10T11:37:46.891-07:00Crossing my first bridge toward better chewing.My last few appointments have been a scheduling nightmare. Every appointment I make basically has to be approved by like 20-30 people's schedules, between my dentist's schedule and her faculty of other doctors depending upon what procedure we are doing, then my schedule and that of my co-workers so we can not be short-staffed, and then if I make it through all of that first wave of hurdles, I have a list of like 20 possible people who help give me rides to the dental school about 26 miles away. Every appointment is tied to the next and if there are any complications it messes up several future appointments as well. In this case, a slight modification needed for my bridge needed more time from the lab, which in turn pushed back tentative date for my final extractions and first implants 20 days. It has been hard to be patient sometimes when I have suffered through all of this for so many years, and harder still when I actually have a ton of money saved that covers my next several appointments. I am however, trying my best to remain sane and focused and trust in the journey and my dentist and not get discouraged. Everything happens for a reason, right? Everything is all still going "according to the plan." Slow and steady wins the "face," as I often joke.<br />
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Here is a picture of my first bridge after the porcelain was added before trying it on.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Q7zvd3j3SbA/TpICjGYEEAI/AAAAAAAAAX4/YObXwPkn6ig/s1600/DSC08359.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="300" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Q7zvd3j3SbA/TpICjGYEEAI/AAAAAAAAAX4/YObXwPkn6ig/s400/DSC08359.JPG" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">It's weird how discolored it looks in comparison to the white plastic container it is it while technically still matching my teeth. I know that my teeth certainly aren't the brightest and artificially-whitest in the world, but it doesn't seem like this would possibly match when compared to something that's actually white.</td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br />
</td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br />
</td></tr>
</tbody></table><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div>So we tried on my new Snap-On teeth and went through the same ritual as before every time any big change is made to the crown of a tooth to check its occlusion, or basically how well these 3 teeth get along with the 3 that live in the apartments below them, but also how their party compares to the chewing party across the courtyard with the only teeth that really make contact well, #s 13 and #20. We went several rounds with articulating paper, "tap-tap-tapping" and "grinding all around" and rechecking for marks and slight modifications to the bridge to achieve the correct fit and try to get contact on all 6 upper and lower teeth without effecting the contact on my left side also, alternating tests with shim tape as well until it would no longer slide through my teeth. After more X-rays that were some of the most challenging ever due to location and angle and my missing teeth, and searching for an elusive bit of glue to remove, my bridge was finally after like 6 appointments seated and finished and ready to scrutinize!<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-lkGcG0QKaPQ/TpM3df3u0BI/AAAAAAAAAYI/cwbG95HvOhI/s1600/DSC08505.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="282" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-lkGcG0QKaPQ/TpM3df3u0BI/AAAAAAAAAYI/cwbG95HvOhI/s400/DSC08505.JPG" width="400" /></a></div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-it_gSn60fEo/TpM3dmlLXZI/AAAAAAAAAYM/CzEQ66GGXno/s1600/DSC08506.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="350" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-it_gSn60fEo/TpM3dmlLXZI/AAAAAAAAAYM/CzEQ66GGXno/s400/DSC08506.JPG" width="400" /></a></div>This would be the first time I have seen myself with my first premolar (tooth #5) in years--I frankly don't even know when I lost both my maxillary premolars--and the most teeth I have seen on that side of my mouth in general, let alone that were actually healthy, in who knows how long. For the past several months I have been doing virtually all my chewing with my two premolars on my left side, and I was really curious how this would effect my ability to eat. The color seemed perfect, something Rakhee prides herself on, informing me once that there are actually some color blind students too. I have been comparing prices of dental procedures in my mind lately to different things. It began when I realized that for me to fly to visit a friend was roughly the same cost as my root canal on my front tooth, and it was strange to think about in terms of how we prescribe value to things. Is a weekend with one of your closest friends more important or meaningful than a root canal? I guess depending on the circumstances, it is hard to say. This bridge cost me about as much as my bike is worth, which is my most valuable and arguably most important possession that I have traveled over 4,000 miles with through 4 states in the past 15 months. In many ways, my bike feels like my new best friend I can always trust in any circumstances to get me through. It has very rarely ever failed. When compared to my bike, it is weird to wonder if 3 teeth are capable of "adding up," but nonetheless despite hating them for years, I am still grateful to now have them. It is just something I think about. The more I learn about my teeth, the more questions I have, the more I think about them, the more I make analogies and metaphors, and the more I remember from my past and my relationship to them and how they have always effected me as well.<br />
I went home that night, and tried my hardest to imagine what I might look like when this journey is all over next year. I took a bunch of pictures trying to smile, trying to cover up the teeth that were still missing and pretend my mouth was complete. I must admit it still looks incredibly strange to me, but it is most certainly a huge improvement. This is what I think is the best and most "natural" I took in that series, and the most recent picture of all of my progress and what my teeth and smile looks like as of today. I will write about my new adventures in chewing very soon!<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-d-VxLrh5_ok/TpIINPHCUpI/AAAAAAAAAYA/COul0jSdwKU/s1600/DSC08471.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-d-VxLrh5_ok/TpIINPHCUpI/AAAAAAAAAYA/COul0jSdwKU/s400/DSC08471.JPG" width="300" /></a></div>And below is my updated Dentrix diagram of my mouth, with all the work that has been completed in blue. Not too much red left! I will have to post some side by side comparisons of things so far once I get some of the new pictures Rakhee took at my last appointment with those mouth spreading contraptions in my mouth. Get ready!<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-_xpcvXpwy6s/TpIIb6VvIVI/AAAAAAAAAYE/UHLC0Ig92Wg/s1600/DSC08300.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-_xpcvXpwy6s/TpIIb6VvIVI/AAAAAAAAAYE/UHLC0Ig92Wg/s400/DSC08300.JPG" width="400" /></a></div>Paulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06387533812545278787noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11658853097204360.post-28634187606007144832011-10-08T20:24:00.000-07:002011-10-08T20:24:42.118-07:00On Building Bridges: A brief overview many of my past several appointmentsI believe since I last left off I was on the verge of receiving my final crown on tooth #3 and beginning my bridge on numbers 4-6. I don't have pictures of all of this and some of the details have escaped me over the past few months, but I will share with you the bits and pieces of the story I managed to capture.<br />
Here is a picture from my 28th appointment showing the prep on teeth #4 and #6 at the start of the huge number of steps necessary for the completion of my first bridge which my student dentist was using for one of her numerous needed competencies.<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-daF3fd6ZXP8/TpECsMboJpI/AAAAAAAAAW8/B4lQI2A_Sh4/s1600/DSC07982.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-daF3fd6ZXP8/TpECsMboJpI/AAAAAAAAAW8/B4lQI2A_Sh4/s400/DSC07982.JPG" width="400" /></a></div>Basically the outer surface of the teeth are removed to leave a "peg" of sorts which i kind of think of like a Lego that the final 3-tooth porcelain and metal bridge can be cemented onto. Note my FINALLY finished crown, post last-minute emergency root canal on my first (and only) molar behind them, tooth #3.<br />
Here is a pic of the temporary crown Rakhee made and fitted that day to cover the exposed and sensitive inner tooth surface of my canine.<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-bz2U4xBm7bM/TpEEMxmyYGI/AAAAAAAAAXA/eiogbzMR5w8/s1600/DSC07986.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-bz2U4xBm7bM/TpEEMxmyYGI/AAAAAAAAAXA/eiogbzMR5w8/s400/DSC07986.JPG" width="400" /></a></div>At my next appointment upon a consultation with my dentist's advising doctors, it was decided to slightly refine the prep on those teeth and drop the margin of tooth #6, or basically remove the surface of the tooth slightly deeper than the gumline so on the finished bridge you would have less of a chance to see the edges where the fake tooth meets the real tooth since it was in a more visible location.<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-4z_SLpYfygQ/TpEH6L4zFhI/AAAAAAAAAXE/oVLTqSfbXhk/s1600/DSC08147.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-4z_SLpYfygQ/TpEH6L4zFhI/AAAAAAAAAXE/oVLTqSfbXhk/s400/DSC08147.JPG" width="400" /></a></div><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-2iCgclRJ9g8/TpEH-sBthoI/AAAAAAAAAXI/7WecWTUtFmk/s1600/DSC08150.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="300" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-2iCgclRJ9g8/TpEH-sBthoI/AAAAAAAAAXI/7WecWTUtFmk/s400/DSC08150.JPG" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Thank god today would also be one of the last times I would ever have to endure one of my biggest dental pet peaves, PACKING CORD, as you can see above in the blue lines of cord stuffed into the margins on teeth #4 and #6.</td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br />
</td></tr>
</tbody></table> Today we needed to take impressions again so the lab could have a record of the modifications made to my teeth in order to prep my final bridge, including the inner metal support that would first need to be tried in before the porcelain could be added around it.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-PjgGL1xmiqM/TpEJebvDL0I/AAAAAAAAAXM/9rUKOWedtCo/s1600/DSC08151.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="400" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-PjgGL1xmiqM/TpEJebvDL0I/AAAAAAAAAXM/9rUKOWedtCo/s400/DSC08151.JPG" width="300" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">In a weird way impressions always feel like 5-minute head hugs of sorts. A speechless internal reflection on all of mine and Rakhee's time together and how far we have come, like we just reached another landing in the skyscraper of babysteps we climb every day and at every appointment toward my finished smile. Every impression is a record of a new and improved me that she has created, and I adore she has like, a whole "shoebox" of models of my mouth. After spending much of my life always thinking that if I were to die in a flaming wreck that I would probably never be identified because I had no dental records, that is most certainly no longer the case.</td></tr>
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After impressions I received a temporary bridge. Though a far cry from what my finished bridge could look like, this would be the first time I would see my mouth with a first premolar on the upper right side in years, and I couldn't help be be a little freaked out in once again seeing myself with one more tooth in my mouth after so many years without so many of them, and certainly so many others I was ashamed to look at.<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-RHolOiIxaYs/TpEMxq3uTdI/AAAAAAAAAXQ/CMnctiTFOxI/s1600/DSC08154.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-RHolOiIxaYs/TpEMxq3uTdI/AAAAAAAAAXQ/CMnctiTFOxI/s400/DSC08154.JPG" width="400" /></a></div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-iHf6qTvhPgM/TpENH9jLPzI/AAAAAAAAAXU/drWm3pTswyE/s1600/DSC08160.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-iHf6qTvhPgM/TpENH9jLPzI/AAAAAAAAAXU/drWm3pTswyE/s400/DSC08160.JPG" width="400" /></a></div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-iAVMVNlW1uA/TpENQWoLtxI/AAAAAAAAAXY/98qX4sc0NrA/s1600/DSC08162.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-iAVMVNlW1uA/TpENQWoLtxI/AAAAAAAAAXY/98qX4sc0NrA/s400/DSC08162.JPG" width="400" /></a></div>Today's appointment also came a few days after my dentist's birthday, and I was up half the night before creating her present and card, which in the spirit of the open honest ways I am documenting most every aspect of this experience for the world to see, I wanted to share those words as well. I gave her a flash drive full of the nearly 4 gigs of pictures and videos I have taken since the beginning of this story from all my appointments, fundraisers and all aspects of my story that has, quite arguably, become her story as much as mine in my opinion. Here is my floss-shaped "card" I made her:<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-ZI8i7IJ58wM/TpEPCcOr51I/AAAAAAAAAXc/56lSA5OZDqc/s1600/DSC08123.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-ZI8i7IJ58wM/TpEPCcOr51I/AAAAAAAAAXc/56lSA5OZDqc/s400/DSC08123.JPG" width="400" /></a></div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-zWdFUmmKNew/TpEPH7lsJsI/AAAAAAAAAXg/Cys7sMFgvyE/s1600/DSC08124.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="268" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-zWdFUmmKNew/TpEPH7lsJsI/AAAAAAAAAXg/Cys7sMFgvyE/s400/DSC08124.JPG" width="400" /></a></div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-n7pYOUFdBec/TpEPLyUoS2I/AAAAAAAAAXk/Z-43uVhDC-0/s1600/DSC08125.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="258" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-n7pYOUFdBec/TpEPLyUoS2I/AAAAAAAAAXk/Z-43uVhDC-0/s400/DSC08125.JPG" width="400" /></a></div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-P9lZRiCXqeE/TpEPPWn1uaI/AAAAAAAAAXo/rF1kMw9e1_0/s1600/DSC08126.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="261" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-P9lZRiCXqeE/TpEPPWn1uaI/AAAAAAAAAXo/rF1kMw9e1_0/s400/DSC08126.JPG" width="400" /></a></div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-by0gual8tgU/TpEPRnK8TwI/AAAAAAAAAXs/m1o9csaEjqU/s1600/DSC08127.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-by0gual8tgU/TpEPRnK8TwI/AAAAAAAAAXs/m1o9csaEjqU/s400/DSC08127.JPG" width="303" /></a></div>Over the next few appointments, X-rays, consultations and scheduling of MORE appointments, I was prescribed an extra strong toothpaste and encouraged to also use Listerine to help strengthen my roots and enamel. It occurred to me later while looking at my arsenal of tools and prescriptions I have used in relation to my mouth in comparison to the crappy old folding travel toothbrush and Tom's of Maine toothpaste I was using a year ago, that I have come a LOOONG way in how much care I try to take of my teeth.<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-vey9w4eRtE8/TpERuEaDOII/AAAAAAAAAXw/5-8Bqo_bzTI/s1600/DSC08262.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-vey9w4eRtE8/TpERuEaDOII/AAAAAAAAAXw/5-8Bqo_bzTI/s400/DSC08262.JPG" width="400" /></a></div>At my 31st appointment I had my metal try-in of the internal support for my bridge. I couldn't help be be amused and feel like a cyborg. I am still wondering to what extent having implants may complicate my ability to pass through airport security when my teeth are finally finished.<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-bu5zDlH-PNU/TpESmA69imI/AAAAAAAAAX0/nTKwMAbZSig/s1600/DSC08298.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-bu5zDlH-PNU/TpESmA69imI/AAAAAAAAAX0/nTKwMAbZSig/s400/DSC08298.JPG" width="400" /></a></div>I'm going to end this entry here and keep you in suspense to see my finished bridge I received on October 4th and read about how it has effected my life. More updates real soon!Paulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06387533812545278787noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11658853097204360.post-50444373088753346952011-09-19T23:12:00.000-07:002011-09-19T23:12:03.270-07:00Looong Overdue UpdatesWow I just realized I haven't really written in here in like a month! Have been so busy. A lot has happened since my 26th appointment. I am going to keep this general for now and write some more specific appointment updates real soon.<br />
Let me see...In the past several weeks:<br />
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I had two more fundraising events totaling almost $300 more dollars.<br />
After pulling those events off and working on my birthday presents for my dentist, I kinda exhausted myself for 3 or 4 days, in addition to my quest I haven't really mentioned in here yet, of trying to break some of the world records for most pull-ups. I am up to 292 in an hour. I wasn't really eating and sleeping enough that week and it took me a few more weeks to build my strength back up. <br />
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I am up to 31 appointments now, and about a week away from having my first bridge delivered on teeth 4-6 (upper right side canine and premolars).<br />
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I stumbled upon a Crest and Oral B-sponsored contest as an ad while browsing youtube with a grand prize of $25K and to be a guest on the Rachel Ray Show, and a friend and I spent like 20 hours at the last minute filming and editing my 2 minute video submission in order to make the deadline in time. I learned a lot about video editing and am excited to work on playing around with some other video projects soon, possible a silly "training montage" like the ones from Rocky and other movies of me doing crazy exercises or prepping for a bike tour in random downtown Phoenix locations. The two grand prize winners are announced right around the corner on September 30th, so please cross your fingers for me! I will discuss more about my thoughts on and all I learned from my video later.<br />
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The one year anniversary of when Pinar and I left Phoenix to begin the bike tour just passed on September 15. (Ironically enough, it was also the deadline for my submission to the <a href="http://www.lifeopensupproject.com/">Life Opens Up Project.</a>)<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-YPwoMgOTZo0/TngqF8n4o2I/AAAAAAAAAWk/aRyuj7dyps0/s1600/IMG_3148.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="300" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-YPwoMgOTZo0/TngqF8n4o2I/AAAAAAAAAWk/aRyuj7dyps0/s400/IMG_3148.JPG" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This is what the beginning of an epic two month camping, hiking, biking, life-changing adventure looks like.</td></tr>
</tbody></table><br />
It was both a heartbreaking and inspiring day to know how much of my life changed as a result of that adventurous two months we spent together, the majority of which I still haven't fully reflected on, written about, or shared with anyone.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-0l5AD-d9yEY/TngrQfiVJRI/AAAAAAAAAWo/k96bKeMKHAU/s1600/DSC05397.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="300" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-0l5AD-d9yEY/TngrQfiVJRI/AAAAAAAAAWo/k96bKeMKHAU/s400/DSC05397.JPG" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Hike and Bike 4 Life, Bitch.</td></tr>
</tbody></table><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-GnEaANedJZ8/Tngra4ZkaMI/AAAAAAAAAWs/aXYfzSVAwmY/s1600/DSC04903.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="300" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-GnEaANedJZ8/Tngra4ZkaMI/AAAAAAAAAWs/aXYfzSVAwmY/s400/DSC04903.JPG" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Pinar taking a break in the Redwoods on Avenue of Giants, CA.</td></tr>
</tbody></table><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-c3glalDPHrg/Tngr5TnE-qI/AAAAAAAAAWw/Zv-W6dN9fTQ/s1600/DSC05349.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="300" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-c3glalDPHrg/Tngr5TnE-qI/AAAAAAAAAWw/Zv-W6dN9fTQ/s400/DSC05349.JPG" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">One of my many action figure costumes. Almost to San Fran.</td></tr>
</tbody></table><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-_2RNYUAih9A/TngsFUC9-oI/AAAAAAAAAW0/0J0WlUrRKQE/s1600/DSC04909.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="400" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-_2RNYUAih9A/TngsFUC9-oI/AAAAAAAAAW0/0J0WlUrRKQE/s400/DSC04909.JPG" width="300" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Avenue of Giants, in love with the Redwoods</td></tr>
</tbody></table><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-5jMkiFnRW9o/TngsP3hnwCI/AAAAAAAAAW4/1WRY0NT8yLg/s1600/IMG_3415.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-5jMkiFnRW9o/TngsP3hnwCI/AAAAAAAAAW4/1WRY0NT8yLg/s400/IMG_3415.JPG" width="400" /></a></div><br />
I spent that day thinking about our time together on that journey and how profoundly life-changing our year together in 2010 was for the both of us as friends, healers, lovers, traveling partners and playmates, and my current transformational journey with Rakhee and how far I have come in the past year as I biked 51 miles that night and also set a new personal pull-up record, doing 4 reps with 50% of my weight added.<br />
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I won the Employee of the Month award for the first time in my life as voted on by the homeless youth I serve. It felt really great, thinking back to how far I have come as a social worker at Tumbleweed in the past 3 1/2 years, also knowing that when I first got re-hired in January when this whole story was beginning I barely spoke and was incredibly self-conscious with my recently broken tooth and it was really difficult for me to open up and engage with dozens of youth on a daily basis and not fear potential questions about my mouth. It was a true honor to know that they feel I am helping them, when in some ways I feel like I am the most focused on myself as well as I have ever been. Their stories are an empowering inspiration in my life right now as much as anything, and I am honored to have my job and every day try to fill these crazy intense shoes and be the most positive mentor and role model I can summon the strength and face to be each day. I know I never could have done this job a year ago, and that fact and my picture hanging on the wall is one more empowering fact to remind me daily of how much I have grown, both with the support of my dentist and with Tumbleweed. <br />
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At my last appointment, Rakhee and I met the Dr. who will be placing my implants for a consultation, and I have scheduled my appointment for my last 3 extractions, bone grafts, first two molar implants and also to receive a 4-tooth provisional denture for the time being til implants are finished if all goes according to the plan for October 4th. (That is a LOT for one day.) I must admit I am pretty intimidated by this one. This will be the first time in like 15 years I will be able to see myself with all my front teeth, even if they aren't permanent yet. It is definitely going to be weird. I got all my extractions out of the way like 6 months ago and have worked on smaller stuff for so long, and so much pressure in my brain seems to be riding on what my front teeth will finally look like that now that we are finally reaching that moment it seems a little surreal to lose the last parts of me that are to be removed. I am currently payed through all of that and a little more for now. So it is also going to be weird to not go to the dentist for a long time, or have the remainder of my appointments much more spaced out as I can afford them after I spent the past several months sometimes having as many as two a week. I frankly have spent more time talking to my dentist than I have with probably anyone else I know outside of work since this journey began, and I would certainly be lying if I didn't already miss my dental partner in crime as I think of the months that lay ahead.<br />
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Next up, I basically need to raise the funds asap for my remaining four implants to be placed, while I wait for all of them to heal and fuse to the bone so the crowns can be placed. I.e, now comes the expensive part. So now I am basically back to trying to organize more local fundraisers and sell art and cookies and tshirts and do bike repair and odd jobs and basically every crazy thing I can come up with to try and hustle like three more grand by late October to hopefully place those implants before Rakhee leaves to go on rotation in for a few months. So this is me, once again, asking for help, in any way you have the time, energy or funds to offer. This could mean as little as sharing my story with others and helping me to network and/or get media coverage, to offering to perform, donate ingredients at future dinner parties, letting me tune up your bike for tips, tshirt printing orders, stencil art commissions and basically any and every idea you might have is possible. Host your own event, have a yard sale, donate things for raffles, you name it! Tell your friends when I have events. I feel like I work like 5 jobs right now, and also am trying to exercise 10-15 hours per week which is a whole other job in and of itself, but I am open to all options and I know that I am capable of whatever I set my mind to. It is always just a matter of finding a balance and staying focused.<br />
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Please send me positive energy around the 30th and maybe this contest will miraculously answer all of these questions for me!<br />
Thank you all for reading, and I am going to try to find more time to catch up on a lot of the entries in my head I have been neglecting to get out over the past month. Please drop me a line at themightyhumanrace@gmail.com if you would like to discuss helping me in any way, or if you need help I can assist you with. Thank you!<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Remember when practically this whole thing was red?? It's getting closer and closer to being all blue!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Paulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06387533812545278787noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11658853097204360.post-1094755088160621462011-09-12T22:46:00.002-07:002011-09-12T23:30:04.125-07:00Please vote for me by Thursday September 15th for a crazy chance to possibly pay for all my dental work!!Hello. HUGE apologies for such a long hiatus. I have SO much to update, but for now, I have to put it on hold for a bit longer to invite all my readers around the world to PLEASE take a few minutes and watch this video I made as my submission to a Crest and Oral B-sponsored contest, the Life Opens Up Project. If they pick my entry, I will win $25,000 and a guest and I, HOPEFULLY my dentist (!) will be flown to NYC to appear on the Rachel Ray Show in the next few months.<br />
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Here is the <a href="http://www.lifeopensupproject.com/player.php?q=151">LINK</a>.<br />
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Please share and help me get last minute votes--some other videos have been posted weeks ago and the contest ends in 4 days. Votes are only a small portion of the judging, but every little bit counts and could mean the difference between winning and losing. I have never been more excited about a potential opportunity. This could be my chance to tear down all the walls of repression around dental care and speak for millions of people suffering and living in alienation and fear on National Television. Tell me, when in all seriousness is the last time anything about dental care and oral heath ever made the news, or anyone with teeth like mine was ever shown in any media unless being made fun of. I think I have a pretty good chance to win, but I need your help!<br />
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This video is also the most recent footage of the real me that exists. I hope you will watch and vote, and I will love you even more if you repost and share in any manner possible. Maybe at the last minute I can go viral on twitter and have a landslide! At this point, after all I have been through and all the showers of positivity from around the world, I truly believe than anything is possible. So thank you all for helping to manifest those dreams and slowly build my new empowerment. Wish me luck!Paulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06387533812545278787noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11658853097204360.post-57544003984162487972011-08-14T23:29:00.003-07:002011-08-15T11:06:49.229-07:00First Friday, Stencil Art, Guerrilla Marketing & Upcoming EventsOver the past few months, I have regularly been selling cookies for donations out in front of my friends Matt & Lesli Yazzie's gallery, Longhouse Studios on 5th Street in the heart of the Downtown Phoenix arts district, sharing the street with <a href="http://jobot-coffee.com/">Jobot Coffee and Crepes</a>, Made Arts Boutique, the art collective, performance space and vegan cafe Conspire, Of the Earth, Lost Leaf, and Tumbleweed Drop In Center, where I work, among others. Though it is a far cry from similar bohemian neighborhoods in other cities, it is a place that many of us downtown creatives share a love/hate relationship with, and like it or not, it seems, the only place that seems like "home" to us, where a few hundred of us all know each other, and you can always find something going on. If you haven't yet been and live in Phoenix, I hope you will come check it out, preferably on any day but First Friday, though that is a different kind of experience in and of itself. I think that many of us just wish that the 1000s of wanderers who show up on that night would acknowledge that it is not the only night of the month that it is "cool" to support the arts in Phoenix. If we are in fact, your "entertainment" and a point of Phoenix pride, please recognize, we're here all week. Many of us in fact, seem to never leave. <br />
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This past First Friday Lesli invited me to put some work up in the gallery in addition to hustling my reasonably famous if I do say so myself vegan, gluten-free, peanut butter chocolate chip cookies. I have begun to bake a little bit for Conspire again also and recently a customer actually cleaned out the whole remaining supply of 18 cookies--$18.00 worth. I was a vegan fiend for years always looking for cookies and snacks everywhere I went but I must tell you despite my 11 years vegan, I don't think I even ever spent that much on cookies in a day. So they must be good :-)<br />
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While I haven't really made too much visual art in the past few years, and I have rarely seemed to be able to both focus on writing AND visual arts at once, successfully, I am trying to begin slowly to work on some stencils again. Though I am still a little unfamiliar with how they work or how popular they are with my crappy old Cricket phone and general resistance to embracing shiny new technology, I recently cut a stencil of a QR code via the website bitly.com that people with smartphones can take a picture of with the right app and be taken directly to my blog. Try it!<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-v5IzlOZco3w/Tkio-_gqGCI/AAAAAAAAAVs/R1noiInvDDA/s1600/DSC07876.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-v5IzlOZco3w/Tkio-_gqGCI/AAAAAAAAAVs/R1noiInvDDA/s400/DSC07876.JPG" width="400" /></a></div>I am brainstorming some new guerrilla marketing techniques for my blog and have been putting a few of these in public just to try and see what other random people I might be able to reach, though I am trying to be careful and not do it in any way that could be perceived as "vandalism" because it basically links to my whole life. Though I wholeheartedly support graffiti as an art form, guerrilla art and taking art out of galleries and creating things in a public context to reach out and make people think, there is a fine line when it comes to the law, and I cannot afford to get arrested at this junction of my life. I do however, think there is still a lot of room to play around with this code without damaging any property, like making inserts to place in the New Times around town, in dentist office waiting rooms, making stickers of it, etc. We will see what else I come up with in the coming weeks. For now I have just put up a few in the Roosevelt area, which is already covered with all sorts of flyers and graffiti.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Guess where this is? If you know me, this should be an extremely easy question.</td></tr>
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I screenprinted some shirts and gathered several of my favorite old stenciled works to prep for First Friday. Though for years they have been dear to me, I am feeling more easily ready to part with them, even though many are one of a kind and the stencils that created them no longer exist. I feel that all of my creativity is a rallying cry toward my one focus of healing and raising the next several thousand dollars needed over the next few months. Everything must go! If everything goes as planned with my next several appointments, I think that we should be able to begin placing implants by late September/early October. I have made it my aim to try and raise $4-5K by that time as of the beginning of this month between my own wages at Tumbleweed, cookie sales at Conspire and elsewhere, fundraising events I organize, art and tshirt sales and commissions, random donations, and whatever means I can come up with. Here is how I started out the month at the Longhouse:<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-yqr8ztpYpQ0/Tkisjqd6KHI/AAAAAAAAAV0/AChNBWUaNEA/s1600/DSC07902.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="400" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-yqr8ztpYpQ0/Tkisjqd6KHI/AAAAAAAAAV0/AChNBWUaNEA/s400/DSC07902.JPG" width="300" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">In case you don't happen to be aware, all of the pictures in my blog are much larger if you click on them!</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-uMBZlQn-ijU/TkisoqSJSvI/AAAAAAAAAV4/JauwUY3BDLc/s1600/DSC07904.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="300" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-uMBZlQn-ijU/TkisoqSJSvI/AAAAAAAAAV4/JauwUY3BDLc/s400/DSC07904.JPG" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Domino/Keira Knightley in the lower left is the most detailed stencil I ever made in my first 6 months or so of stenciling while selling stencils in the streets of Portland. The tree in the middle is still by far the most elaborate single layer stencil I have ever cut, with around 1,800 pieces cut out of a single sheet of posterboard and using over 40 X-acto blades. The antique Singer sewing machine is one of the more popular images I have made and is also on the tshirts I just made. </td></tr>
</tbody></table><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-4Rqt04tTu3s/Tkis04TPjBI/AAAAAAAAAV8/wmcvkKFLnHc/s1600/DSC07903.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-4Rqt04tTu3s/Tkis04TPjBI/AAAAAAAAAV8/wmcvkKFLnHc/s400/DSC07903.JPG" width="400" /></a></div><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-imBHdQJqKS8/Tkis_LewSRI/AAAAAAAAAWA/zZTEO6FLXME/s1600/DSC07906.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="300" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-imBHdQJqKS8/Tkis_LewSRI/AAAAAAAAAWA/zZTEO6FLXME/s400/DSC07906.JPG" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">From a small portrait series I was working on of women who inspired me. Katie, my first love, fellow "thought criminal" and partner in crime, Anastasia, a Phoenix poet who helped break me out of a writing funk and inspire me to go to Mexico to try to perform poetry in Spanish with friends 3 years ago at a big writers' conference with friends, and Miranda July, a performance artist, writer, director and actress who also is the inspiration for my "tramp stamp" tattoo I got as a birthday present to my closest friend I ever met on the internet who I also stenciled for this series, Kathleen.</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-ikm8StoLNUA/TkitEVwIQZI/AAAAAAAAAWE/ELh4qfkFjmY/s1600/DSC07905.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="300" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-ikm8StoLNUA/TkitEVwIQZI/AAAAAAAAAWE/ELh4qfkFjmY/s400/DSC07905.JPG" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This show was somewhat of a retrospective "greatest hits" of many of my stencils, many of which are personal to me as far as what they represent, or the time of my life they were created. This is actually how I met a lot of my first friends in Phoenix, as the crazy new homeless guy in town at Willow House Coffeeshop who for several visits was always cutting a ramen noodle stencil. Like 540 pieces later and about 23 blades I believe, here is a cropped version of the finished product painted on a record.</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-7CESEyty2KI/TkitWbT8qlI/AAAAAAAAAWI/LRjcyUNoQbg/s1600/DSC07942.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="400" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-7CESEyty2KI/TkitWbT8qlI/AAAAAAAAAWI/LRjcyUNoQbg/s400/DSC07942.JPG" width="300" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Thanks Lesli and/or Lori for making me this sign!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Between my art and cookies sales there and at Conspire that night, I raised about another $160 and with my own payday that day as well I was able to add another $485 to my credit at the school, bring my new total to almost $10,000 since January 19th! I have currently spent about half of that on everything I have had done so far, leaving me with $4642 in credit for my upcoming visits. It is quite amazing to know that ever since I began this journey, there has not thus far been a single appointment or procedure I have had to miss or a schedule I have had to change due to lack of funds. I hope to keep it that way. Implants are creeping up on my soon, and after so much momentum over the past 7 months, I don't want to get stuck just sitting here forever while I raise money in waiting for the priciest procedures. I also wholeheartedly am determined to try to find any way in my power to finish my treatment plan before Rakhee graduates next June. We have come so far together, and that is seriously probably my sincerest single wish in regards to any other person in my life over the next year. It would simply be such a wonderfully profound mutual gift to the both of us and resolution to this chapter of my life, and in my humble opinion, an awesome big finish to her education. Before she and all of the other 4th year students depart to figure out the next stage of their lives, I would love nothing more than to have a huge and epic "Apple-Eating Party" in honor of so many of them from the class of 2012 I have come to know and call friends, along with the hundreds of others who have supported me throughout this transformation.<br />
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I hope if you are reading this, and if it is in any way within your means to help me achieve this dream in any way that you can, I hope that you will consider doing so. The easiest way I think possible is to repost and share my blog and encourage others to do so. Everyone keeps telling me to write to Oprah. I feel that everything kind of has a life of it's own at this point. I just keep talking to people and being honest and open and doing what I love and making things happen, and everything has seemed to fall into place, over and over again. Maybe Oprah should write to ME! Maybe one of you out there reading knows her and how to reach her, and can speak on my behalf? Or maybe I don't need a celebrity millionaire to help me, when I already have all of you :-) Everything seems to be going "according to the plan." I hope to finally get some more local press soon. I want to also finally try to submit my story to NPR. I just made some more blog promo cards:<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-5g7ZMDOF4VU/TkiyclCMsjI/AAAAAAAAAWM/FYnVkJgjzQo/s1600/BizCard+front+%25282%2529.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-5g7ZMDOF4VU/TkiyclCMsjI/AAAAAAAAAWM/FYnVkJgjzQo/s400/BizCard+front+%25282%2529.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This is the front. Picture taken by Rakhee during my 3rd appointment after my full mouth debridement on January 26th. It's practically actual size, which gave me another crazy idea to get more printed without the text to pass out at shows and get photos of those in attendance with my old teeth in their mouths!</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-xJlgZx2EKms/TkiyunLoHxI/AAAAAAAAAWQ/VQ9guTABN40/s1600/BizCard+Back+%25282%2529.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-xJlgZx2EKms/TkiyunLoHxI/AAAAAAAAAWQ/VQ9guTABN40/s400/BizCard+Back+%25282%2529.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">And the back. Panoramic X-ray taken by George on January 19th..</td></tr>
</tbody></table>I also have two upcoming "FUNraising" events this coming Sunday, August 20th. The above cards, the text of which I wrote over 3 years ago somewhat inspired the first one. At 3:00PM at my friends Leann and Sven's used bookstore, <a href="http://bardsbooks.com/">Bard's Books</a> I am going to host an <a href="http://www.facebook.com/?sk=lf#%21/event.php?eid=125449760877732">open mic</a> of sorts, with a theme of "secrets, fears and confessions." I will be providing vegan snacks and refreshments for donations and also reading some of the more personal selections from my blog. The event is also a book drive of sorts, and the owners have kindly offered to donate a portion of what they would normally be paying customers who bring books in to sell but wish to instead donate them that day to my fund, and also a portion of sales that day. Amazing.<br />
My other event, on the SAME day which hopefully will not drive me insane this week to organize and prep for, is a punk rock show and vegan dinner party at my former residence, <a href="http://www.strivedreams.com/">The Firehouse Gallery</a>, which is also an artist collective, performance space and coffee cart, featuring several popular downtown musicians. Below is the flyer I made with an image from a Garbage Pail Kid. The fun starts around 8:00PM. Get there before the food is gone!<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Pc15k8oorfY/Tki1zy6VPbI/AAAAAAAAAWU/cf7Y7Zz54YU/s1600/GPK+flyer+final.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Pc15k8oorfY/Tki1zy6VPbI/AAAAAAAAAWU/cf7Y7Zz54YU/s400/GPK+flyer+final.jpg" width="287" /></a></div>After posting this on the wall of my <a href="http://www.facebook.com/?sk=lf#%21/event.php?eid=117048101727428">facebook event page</a>, I couldn't help but notice how strangely similar it was to the other picture I had been using for the event, which I took a few months back with a peephole over the lens of my old Sony Cybershot I take to all my appointments:<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-7xTxSIOtgu4/TklcWKd4lyI/AAAAAAAAAWY/8Vo6WTjVd9I/s1600/DSC07119crop.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-7xTxSIOtgu4/TklcWKd4lyI/AAAAAAAAAWY/8Vo6WTjVd9I/s400/DSC07119crop.JPG" width="391" /></a></div><br />
I had forgotten how many Garbage Pail Kids seem to have had dental themes. Maybe I just grew up wanting to be a Garbage Pail Kid? Subliminal messages?? Haha. I apologize to the artist of 3/4s of these cards from my childhood, John Pound. I know not how to reach you to ask permission to use this image I found from a google search, but if it is any consolation, I hope you will forgive me and trust me when I say that you were probably the first artist I ever was introduced to or even liked as a kid. If not for you and Art Spiegelman and the other creators of Garbage Pail Kids and also those behind Mad magazine, I don't know if I would have ever even grown up wanting to be an artist. So if somehow this blog ever makes it back to you, I hope that my earnest "Thank You" now is enough. I would also someday, love to own some of your original work and would proudly display a large painting of one of your kids alongside any of the other "finest" art I will ever own :-)<br />
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I hope if the rest of you readers who happen to live in and around Phoenix will please share my event with your friends, and I hope to see you there to eat Indian food and slurp Jobot toddy through a straw with me so as not to stain our teeth! I have lots more events of all shapes and sizes in the works, and will let you in on them all real soon when I hammer out more details. Thanks, as always, for reading. I hope I can share how far I've come with more of you in person instead of always just through my writing really soon.Paulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06387533812545278787noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11658853097204360.post-60210891887155753092011-08-11T01:58:00.000-07:002011-08-11T01:58:15.504-07:00Appointments 25 & 26I have to admit, a lot of the past few appointments is kind of a blur. I need to start taking my OWN notes or get a voice recorder or something maybe. On July 29th we mostly worked on taking some new impressions. My bite has changed slightly over time with a new crown and fillings and the lab needed a new record of it. Not many pictures these next few visits. Some times are just not conducive. I try not to be a pest to my students and also take most all of my pictures myself, but some appointments feel a little redundant or I run out of time or I feel tire or sore or the procedure is exhausting, etc. I did snap this one of a neat and CLEAN tray of tools, something I feel like I have often neglected with my messy "after" pics.<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-b8HFPSjcYLY/TkOD99Tix4I/AAAAAAAAAVc/9n01MaFjgog/s1600/DSC07859.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="315" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-b8HFPSjcYLY/TkOD99Tix4I/AAAAAAAAAVc/9n01MaFjgog/s400/DSC07859.JPG" width="400" /></a></div>And here is yet another picture of me controlling myself from coughing. I believe this was the 4th time of taking impressions, and I can proudly say I have managed to fight my gag reflex til the very end thus far.<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-ggurU6Jt58E/TkOExFq8ITI/AAAAAAAAAVg/WF7cfKClguY/s1600/DSC07861.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-ggurU6Jt58E/TkOExFq8ITI/AAAAAAAAAVg/WF7cfKClguY/s400/DSC07861.JPG" width="300" /></a></div>I have also begun baking cookies a little bit at the art collective and vegan cafe Conspire across from where I work at Tumbleweed as yet another means to continue to raise more money, and on this day decided to bring Rakhee some of the leftovers from the previous night's batch. I noticed after I had wrapped them in parchment paper and tied them with dental floss that I thought the package actually kinda looked like a molar, even. I forgot to mention this at the time, and forgot even to mention that I had BROUGHT them and just left them on the counter, so I hope that my gift was received!<br />
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My next appointment on August 2nd was the follow-up to finish my maxillary molar root canal on tooth #3. This appointment....was...so....exhaaaauuusting. It is weird. I have been through so much and so many different kinds of procedures that cause stress and pressure and pain and are just tiring in so many sorts of ways, that it is hard sometimes lately to imagine what my early ones felt like. Extractions? I barely remember anymore. I can retrace the process in my brain and I know the name of virtually every student and Dr. who has ever touched me and what they did, but it is just hard to compare some appointments to others I guess. In retrospect, one would think that the violence of grinding down jaw bones and cutting and breaking out tooth roots piece by piece would suck the most, but for whatever reason, this day just kicked my ass. It started off okay, and then I just reached a point where I got SO cranky I barely talked, didn't try to take pictures and didn't even want to write about it or anything. The only picture I took that day was sitting in the chair awaiting one of several Xrays:<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-ZyZQyQxYHFY/TkOOxTJflQI/AAAAAAAAAVo/_Nnh6g9KNnU/s1600/DSC07884.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-ZyZQyQxYHFY/TkOOxTJflQI/AAAAAAAAAVo/_Nnh6g9KNnU/s400/DSC07884.JPG" width="300" /></a></div>It was just a lot. Similar to the first step of endodontic therapy, there are lots of steps entailing jamming and twirling files over and over into the 3 canals of the tooth, first to remove the cotton and the calcium hydroxide, then to insert gutta percha (a kind of rubber) cones into an exactly tapered fit of the canals. This means slightly modifying the depth and width and taper it seems to perfection, and also finding the exact match of size of a variety of choices of gutta percha to fit and fill the hole precisely. This was certainly a chore, the doctors seeming impressed with the assortment of failed cones strewn all over the place. I do seem to have some complicated roots, the curved one of which, we learned to gain easier access you can bend the tip of the file, needle and gutta percha as needed. I must say, while irrigating, Rakhee had turned one of the needles into a fricken corkscrew trying to get the right angle to reach into the curved canal at the front of my tooth, the mesial buccul. This canal seemed to be the star of the day, demanding all the attention and causing the greatest trouble due to the angle and curvature demanded for entry. I did however, state above, that I didn't want to write about this appointment. Haha. It is hard to explain, and it wasn't anyone's fault. It is just a very long and complex procedure with many steps. It was one of the longest appointments I have had, and there was virtually no downtime or anything, and I barely got a chance to talk.<br />
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I came home that day and just felt "beat up." I emailed Rakhee making "Rocky" jokes that she really "knocked me out," in a cranky, yet humbling funk that swept over me when I got home and decided to just go to bed immediately. It felt like another sort of milestone had been reached in my mind and whenever I am moved, it is generally always impossible for me to keep my mouth shut and not tell the subject of my emotions immediately. It is hard. Some appointments I know are a huge struggle for me and/or my student dentists or it might happen to be one of the first times they have ever done a particular procedure, and even if I may not seem as "chipper" or talkative or positive on some days as I strive to be, I consider it very important to me to be supportive. Sometimes in the rush of trying to wrap up a rough appointment and check out I feel that those moments of clam clarity, sighs of relief and gratitude get a little lost in the shuffle, and I don't wish to be one of those people. I may, after all, get a little pissed off at the duration or the stress of my visit, but for the record, I am never personally angry at or distrusting of my dentists. If anything, I hate a procedure or a specific tool and the sensation or duress it cause, but not the person performing or using it.<br />
I elaborated:<br />
<br />
<i>"however sore or tired you make me, I promise I am always happy and proud to be your patient/guinea pig. I told you were were in this together. I am happy you can learn from me, and to be learning. it only enriches the experience for me to treat it like i am also in class and learn more about myself and this process. it is truly empowering after so many years of ignorance. the fact that i even know wtf a gutta percha IS or can name the mesial, distal and palatal buchul of my first maxillary molar #3, know that I hate calcium hydroxide and the smell of the touch and heat burning plastic which for some reason smells like cloves, know that I have a provisional crown made of ProTemp on top of prep you refined and dropped the margins of after packing cord, which I also hate, ....to know that I know ANY of these things right now, even if chances are I will never become a dentist myself or or probably not even an assistant, knowing who I was when you met me, has got to make you swell up with just a little bit of pride and smile when you think of me, right? :-) I hope so. </i><br />
<i>A few months ago, #3 was just another ugly part of myself I hated. It is you who helps me every day learn to care about it, know it, and not take it, and all my other teeth for granted. You are truly writing the story of my teeth with a new vocabulary and also telling me the story of myself as I've never even known it. I just wanted to tell you that. I have a lot of time to think and be thankful with a rubber dam on, you know...</i><br />
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Next up: Tooth #3! AGAIN! Damn, it's such a diva. I hope some of my other teeth can finally have attention soon! <br />
Paulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06387533812545278787noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11658853097204360.post-36242304704330845062011-08-10T01:26:00.001-07:002011-08-10T02:00:53.666-07:00Appointment Number 24, My 2nd Root Canal, My Progression of Eating & For the Love of SPORKS!.On July 25th I went in for my second root canal. As you may recall, this one was sort of a surprise that snuck up on me over the past few months and made this tooth the most sensitive in my mouth. For about two months the majority of all my chewing has been done on the left side of my mouth, due largely to a heroic effort by my 2nd premolar (and ONLY premolar) on top that worries me regularly that it is going to collapse since it is unsupported on either side. Though often much of the severe pain I once had has largely disappeared, eating is a far cry from easy for me. I still often stick with many softer foods, and make smoothies almost every day as well. Biting and tearing off large pieces of foods like sandwiches, burritos, pizza, etc is virtually impossible if they are not really soft. A few days ago I was starving after not really eating much all day and went to Pita Jungle and ordered a black bean burger and I swear it must have taken me 40 minutes to eat. The roasted garlic potatoes I chopped into smaller pieces with my fork, as I tried to also do with the tomato and raw red onion before placing them back on my burger.<br />
Bites are very small for me and technically only having 2 teeth on the left side of my mouth that meet (not counting my canines which are hard and awkward to chew with out of the corner of one's mouth) if you can do the math for a moment and imagine that most adults either have 32 (or 28 teeth if their wisdom teeth have been removed,) and therefor you probably have 14-15 more little pinching teeth to chop and grind foods apart than I have = <i>I can't help it if I eat slower than you</i>. Furthermore, I should add, that it is a fucking CHORE. Afterward, quite often, depending on what it is, my jaw and just me in general feels totally exhausted, and more often than not, the task of eating for me leaves me bored, frustrated, and is generally unenjoyable. Matters only become more complicated and sensitive when attempting to eat with others, let alone if I try to also spend time talking during the meal that I could be chewing if I am to remotely keep up. (And if you know you you know that like, DAMMIT, talking is one of my favorite things!) A few weeks ago a friend and I went to try out the food of a new chef in town and both ordered the same thing. My disappointing friend grew so impatient of how long it was taking me to finish my food, he left me there alone to proceed to our next destination before me I had thought we were heading to together. Now imagine these feelings, and anxieties at every meal with everyone for nearly a decade. But this isn't a pity party, it me reaching out for just a little bit more understanding than it seems I often get from people, even those who I know care and don't generally want to hurt or upset or be unaccommodating to me on purpose.<br />
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I've used this analogy before, but I really want to make it clear and remind people, that eating for me really is like trying to split wood with a screwdriver or a chisel. It <i>can</i> be done, and is in fact performed regularly by me, but it is most certainly slow, tedious and frustrating. If you choose to share a meal with me during these transformational months, <i>please</i> try to be understanding, and do not take your numerous axes and wedges for granted. I am doing the best that I can, and if I often try to rush to keep up with others, it will probably mean that I am going to cough and choke my way through my meal that I have not chewed into small enough pieces, not to mention, that I will barely get to take part in any of the conversation we are having. Thank you.<br />
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People lately have seemed fascinated and confused by why on earth I more often than not have a titanium spork clipped to my hip. I purchased it from REI before leaving for my bike tour mostly with the intention of packing light and only needing one utensil for camping, but over time on that trip and since it has become a special tool to me that has often taken the place of my missing front teeth. Whereas spoons are hard to chop things with, and the sides of forks somewhat work, the tip of my spork sort of has the best of both worlds and I often do in fact use it to chop foods as I would bite them if I could. I don't care about all the weird looks I get or the mild, mocking amusement. I love my spork, and it has become a piece of my story as much as anything else.<br />
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So, back to my root canal.<br />
This time it was to be on my first molar, the only one we determined was worth saving, #3. I would learn quickly that maxillary molars are a ridiculously elaborate process to perform a root canal on because unlike my previous one on tooth #7, this tooth had 3 canals to fill. Although this day did take longer than many other appointments, not to mention it is a two appointment procedure, it ultimately wasn't <i>too</i> horrible overall.<br />
Today I got to meet another student, Payam, who would be assisting Rakhee in the Endo section of the school, and some of the most isolated chairs. Normally, in most of my appointments, I have been seated alongside 4-8 others sometimes in large open rooms that remind me of tattoo studios. At thsi point, and with how comfortable I am and how many people know me, I almost feel a little claustrophobic when in Endo in all honesty.<br />
First things first, it was time for my first annoying rubber dam(n) in several visits. This one however, would prove a little problematic due to the fact that my tooth that the clamp fits on had already been prepped for a crown and had very little surface to clamp on to. Though annoying, I still could not help but snicker when even the Dr. who came to Rakhee's aid's first attempt went shooting out of my mouth across the room a few seconds later.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Something you didn't know--I actually bought my own safety glasses I wear to my appointments now. Some of the ones at the school are more scratched than others and if I can't talk half the time I am at least determined to be able to SEE! :-)</td></tr>
</tbody></table> We did however get the clamp suitably fashioned on shortly after and I proceeded through one of my least favorite parts of ALL my dentist appointments, the part where I mostly am forced to shut up! Haha. I also volunteered to use a bite block which is also not on my top ten list of fun things dentists can put in your mouth either, but it could be far worse. I am still slowly working on a top 10 list of my biggest pet peaves/most annoying tools/procedures or things that I've had to endure at the dentist, one of which, was coming up very soon.<br />
So in case you have never had a root canal and need one, let's see if I can describe how it feels in a concise manner as best as I understand it/have experienced it. Basically you have an infection at the root of your tooth that over time can kill the pulp, the nerve and begin attacking even the supporting bone around the roots. To stop this, the dentist first creates an access point in the crown of the tooth with a round burr on their powered rotary tool I still don't know the name of, then uses a series of small hand files to remove all the necrotic pulp. It is a slow and arduous process so as not to fracture the wall of the tooth while using an ever-increasing series of longer and wider files, remeasuring the depth and taking X-rays. I forgot this time, but had wanted to count every single time a drill or anything else was stuck in my tooth throughout the duration of my appointment, because I swear it has to be nearly a hundred! It certainly seems like it. Here is a slightly blurry shot of 3 files of different depths in all 3 canals of my tooth before the X-ray to determine if the final depth was reached:<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">What, I had to go to the bathroom!</td></tr>
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I thik it was around this time that my FAVORITE part came, when they use Sodium Hypochlorite, AKA <i>bleach</i> to irrigate and clean any remaining bacteria out of the tooth canals, which my crazy Indiana Jones tongue always seems to want to explore, and manage to taste lots of things I am not supposed to taste. Let me tell you, I cannot imagine being a child raiding an unprotected cabinet under the sink and downing a bottle of bleach. Even with the very small dilution of this solution, it is by far one of the grossest things I have ever tasted, even if only probably a drop. Gross, gross, GROSS! Here are some more pictures from the remainder of the day:<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-um-HKt3-uC8/TkI8XsxZINI/AAAAAAAAAVU/oukdZL3GdIk/s1600/DSC07834.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="300" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-um-HKt3-uC8/TkI8XsxZINI/AAAAAAAAAVU/oukdZL3GdIk/s400/DSC07834.JPG" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">One of the rare times I would ever support using the phrase "Drill, baby, drill!"</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-pbn1w2mg-8g/TkI8YofWZ4I/AAAAAAAAAVY/CwXtnz9d0uU/s1600/DSC07835.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="300" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-pbn1w2mg-8g/TkI8YofWZ4I/AAAAAAAAAVY/CwXtnz9d0uU/s400/DSC07835.JPG" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">If only I got a picture of the size of the drill INSIDE my tooth right now. </td></tr>
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After this, they fill the canal with calcium hydroxide to help fight the remaining infection I guess and seal the tooth back up again with a small cotton pellet and a temporary material called Cavit. If you want the even longer and more detailed version of all of this that will probably make even less sense, feel free to try and translate Rakhee's notes from a picture I took at the next appointment :-)<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-gl2IQG7k2Rc/TkI6xXZX2II/AAAAAAAAAU8/YTpJA8ohtpc/s1600/DSC07858crop.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="256" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-gl2IQG7k2Rc/TkI6xXZX2II/AAAAAAAAAU8/YTpJA8ohtpc/s400/DSC07858crop.JPG" width="400" /></a></div> Frankly, it is pretty awesome and empowering that I actually understand virtually all of them, including the abbreviations. More on this when I write about the follow up root canal appointment a week later. One thing I forgot though--if accidentally tasting bleach is on the terrible end of the spectrum as far as taste sensations can go, I must add, that upon first drilling into bottom of the canals of my tooth, the smell I guess of the infection and/or rotting pulp and nerves is by far one of the most terrible things I have <i>ever</i> smelled. To know that that came out of the body of a LIVING person, let alone MY body...my MOUTH seems absolutely impossible and downright disgusting. It feels really great to know that after all these years, for how "rotten" and old and morbid looking into the mirror has made me feel that somewhere inside my mouth, the deepest, darkest, most unhealthy and unsettling parts of me are finally almost all removed. If it takes bleach to do truly disinfect the most infested underworld of my spirit, so be it. It is time once and for all, to rid my body of this emotional menace, and to heal. It feels so, so very good to begin to finally start to feel "clean."<br />
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Paulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06387533812545278787noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11658853097204360.post-40312173964973375772011-07-29T05:56:00.000-07:002011-07-29T05:56:47.236-07:00Appointment #23, My 1st Crown and My 6 Month Anniversary At the Dental School.Today...was a very special day. Little did anyone know it but before today's 1:00PM appointment and 4 hours at work that morning, I had spent nearly 6 hours straight working until after 5:00AM on a variety of Thank Yous for all of my student dentists and faculty who have made a difference in my life thus far in my journey. Today was also the day when I would finally get to see the first two new teeth created for me in the lab. I must admit, sitting on the blue context of my cast, they didn't look like they would seem quite right in my actual mouth! Something about the color or the size seemed off, it was weird. Maybe being upside down didn't help either?<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-LU0JBRabwMM/TjKgrcPsqnI/AAAAAAAAATk/Wa6f2k0CpUo/s1600/DSC07780.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-LU0JBRabwMM/TjKgrcPsqnI/AAAAAAAAATk/Wa6f2k0CpUo/s400/DSC07780.JPG" t$="true" width="400" /></a></div><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-b8OKHgSIzLU/TjKgx4UycTI/AAAAAAAAATo/893UmgZxROk/s1600/DSC07781.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="300" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-b8OKHgSIzLU/TjKgx4UycTI/AAAAAAAAATo/893UmgZxROk/s400/DSC07781.JPG" t$="true" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Sorry #3, you are in timeout until I get another root canal. Go back to your little white box.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>It seemed appropriate to me that the crowns came in a little box kind of like a wedding ring would come in. I couldn't help but think, what a great gift a crown or an implant would be if I had a fiance who truly loved me. Just as expensive as a wedding ring, something that would change my life, help my mental and physical health, ease my pain, and make eating more enjoyable. Frankly, a dentist puttign a new tooth in my mouth almost seems far MORE symbolic and certainly more tangibly able to affect my real life than any ring with a jewel unearthed by some poor, oppressed minority ever could be. I would rather sport a $2,000 implant from my wife anyday over a diamond and gold engagement ring. Would certainly make for an interesting pre-nup too, no doubt.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-ml4ZbPkt490/TjKjLh-uf1I/AAAAAAAAATs/oEZdFyuoiiI/s1600/DSC07783.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="400" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-ml4ZbPkt490/TjKjLh-uf1I/AAAAAAAAATs/oEZdFyuoiiI/s400/DSC07783.JPG" t$="true" width="300" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Me, awaiting my ringbearer, Rakhee. I guess I'm marrying all of you who donated?</td></tr>
</tbody></table><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-XRI_qmf-u08/TjKj31B1SZI/AAAAAAAAATw/UYPYSujOFjE/s1600/DSC07784.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-XRI_qmf-u08/TjKj31B1SZI/AAAAAAAAATw/UYPYSujOFjE/s400/DSC07784.JPG" t$="true" width="400" /></a></div>We took the temporary crown off that Rakhee had fashioned and checked out the fit, also taking new X-rays. The look on her face as the first came up on the computer monitor made me a little nervous. It had been some time since we had last seen an X-ray of this tooth before the root canal, and it appeared as though the bone was considerably weak at the root or it was still infected, etc. at first glance. Uh-oh...<br />
Upon a consultation and pulling up the X-ray from several months ago we would see that in fact, the bone was looking much BETTER and it was clarified that it was not uncommon to see a shadow such as that one with such a short amount of time passing since the root canal. DEEP sighs of relief. Proceed as planned. Let's get this show on the road!<br />
For this magic marriage of tooth, cement and porcelain, the whole community came out. Rakhee had not one but two assistants to help with the perfect timing needed to manipulate the acid (?!) and cement and welcome my new tooth to its new home. Though it was a little shocking at first, it certainly looked far better and natural in my mouth than it did on my model.<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-fTPEzFz8bYo/TjKndsME5TI/AAAAAAAAAT0/NS_4H_5EOIE/s1600/DSC07785.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-fTPEzFz8bYo/TjKndsME5TI/AAAAAAAAAT0/NS_4H_5EOIE/s400/DSC07785.JPG" t$="true" width="400" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-E1IHBzZxI5M/TjKnqRc3V8I/AAAAAAAAAT4/Zd6H4rGG4Kg/s1600/DSC07787crop.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="291" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-E1IHBzZxI5M/TjKnqRc3V8I/AAAAAAAAAT4/Zd6H4rGG4Kg/s400/DSC07787crop.jpg" t$="true" width="400" /></a></div>We went to take another X-ray to make sure there was a visible line of cement along the whole seam where the tooth and the crown were joined to make sure it had adhered correctly. <br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-5QI6GNN0NlI/TjKoHzn_FzI/AAAAAAAAAT8/dq75iJwNOFQ/s1600/DSC07788.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-5QI6GNN0NlI/TjKoHzn_FzI/AAAAAAAAAT8/dq75iJwNOFQ/s400/DSC07788.JPG" t$="true" width="400" /></a></div>Upon doing doing so and flossing Rakhee noticed there was a tiny bit of remaining glue, or flash remaining between my teeth, and since she was in fact doing this procedure for competency and just because she is awesome and a perfectionist, she made additonal refinements before a final X-ray. I signed off on the new tooth for color, shape, size, etc and gave it my approval, though I commented that "I don't even remember what it ever looked like before!" and "You guys should know better than me, right?" Also, that it was by far, the smoothest thing in my mouth. Can you tell?<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-rr1TxPKnt_o/TjKpba2tuQI/AAAAAAAAAUA/VWhAJeGM09w/s1600/DSC07789crop.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="291" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-rr1TxPKnt_o/TjKpba2tuQI/AAAAAAAAAUA/VWhAJeGM09w/s400/DSC07789crop.JPG" t$="true" width="400" /></a></div><br />
This concluded the appointment, but it was still far from over for me. I still had to give out my "surprises!"<br />
I will let these pictures tell the story:<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-omC7bbuQvWY/TjKqJLOPw4I/AAAAAAAAAUE/3ijamIeAnlU/s1600/DSC07734.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="300" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-omC7bbuQvWY/TjKqJLOPw4I/AAAAAAAAAUE/3ijamIeAnlU/s400/DSC07734.JPG" t$="true" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I cut out over a dozen molar-shaped cards to personally thank many of the students and faculty who have helped and supported me in the 6 months since I first walked through those terrifying doors of Arizona School of Dentistry and Oral Health.</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-aNqqxJ3mb5E/TjKqPEBtY6I/AAAAAAAAAUI/6Q8yExt57tQ/s1600/DSC07735.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="300" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-aNqqxJ3mb5E/TjKqPEBtY6I/AAAAAAAAAUI/6Q8yExt57tQ/s400/DSC07735.JPG" t$="true" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Upon doing so, the paper fragments leftover from my own form of artistry reminded me of the wreckage of so many days of bloody tool trays at the end of my appointments and I took this picture to show to my dentists to compare.</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-4UZGiqzjyxU/TjKqU662tqI/AAAAAAAAAUM/JtRaOv9os-M/s1600/DSC07737.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="300" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-4UZGiqzjyxU/TjKqU662tqI/AAAAAAAAAUM/JtRaOv9os-M/s400/DSC07737.JPG" t$="true" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Here are all of the finished teeth and their envelopes, along with my original "Ask for help!" stencil and my gag gift for Rakhee.</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-nMU_ULUPBjA/TjKqcCfGo8I/AAAAAAAAAUQ/gAl0b0T5udI/s1600/DSC07742.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="300" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-nMU_ULUPBjA/TjKqcCfGo8I/AAAAAAAAAUQ/gAl0b0T5udI/s400/DSC07742.JPG" t$="true" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I also made 4 dozen of my vegan, gluten-free, peanut butter chocolate chip cookies I regularly use for fundraising for everyone.</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-hukjARIsB7c/TjKqfwsB3lI/AAAAAAAAAUU/0kCNgLXHaqg/s1600/DSC07744.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="640" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-hukjARIsB7c/TjKqfwsB3lI/AAAAAAAAAUU/0kCNgLXHaqg/s640/DSC07744.JPG" t$="true" width="411" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I wrote this 2 page letter addressing everyone and made copies for all, giving the original to Rakhee.</td></tr>
</tbody></table><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-09s4142ev-k/TjKqpf3DajI/AAAAAAAAAUY/3Wwgg7FwvKo/s1600/DSC07745.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="640" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-09s4142ev-k/TjKqpf3DajI/AAAAAAAAAUY/3Wwgg7FwvKo/s640/DSC07745.JPG" t$="true" width="408" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Page 2. I included a copy of this letter, a personalized hand-cut card and 2 of my blog promo cards in each envelope.</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-AyOvDdllibU/TjKquj6EyJI/AAAAAAAAAUc/rNllHWWTykU/s1600/DSC07760.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="300" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-AyOvDdllibU/TjKquj6EyJI/AAAAAAAAAUc/rNllHWWTykU/s400/DSC07760.JPG" t$="true" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Everyone's stuff</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-I-GOeaTqHtg/TjKqxBKccvI/AAAAAAAAAUg/834HqpcvL1U/s1600/DSC07777.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="400" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-I-GOeaTqHtg/TjKqxBKccvI/AAAAAAAAAUg/834HqpcvL1U/s400/DSC07777.JPG" t$="true" width="330" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Rakhee's stuff</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-0K0ipbxXxfQ/TjKq0FoSwoI/AAAAAAAAAUk/BVEC7QHSH60/s1600/DSC07746.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="291" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-0K0ipbxXxfQ/TjKq0FoSwoI/AAAAAAAAAUk/BVEC7QHSH60/s400/DSC07746.JPG" t$="true" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Rakhee, of course, deserved a special card of her own.</td></tr>
</tbody></table><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-yxnZDYUwN9o/TjKq-5y4XNI/AAAAAAAAAUo/SfAk5NHbip4/s1600/DSC07753.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="300" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-yxnZDYUwN9o/TjKq-5y4XNI/AAAAAAAAAUo/SfAk5NHbip4/s400/DSC07753.JPG" t$="true" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This is what I wrote in her card. If she is okay with it, I will post her emailed response soon.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Paulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06387533812545278787noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11658853097204360.post-35225695182691092652011-07-28T19:25:00.000-07:002011-07-28T19:25:18.678-07:00Appointment #22 and 4 more fillings.On July 18th I went in for my 22nd appointment. It had been almost a whole month since my last visit and it was a refreshing and refocusing time to finally see Rakhee again and remind myself of this journey we are on instead of my other dozen daily distractions. I came to this appointment with both good and bad news, that I had raised another $400 bucks for my treatment from my recent fundraiser (and also that the store owner Kimber may even be trying to find a way to match it) but also, that the recent increased sensitivity on my first maxillary molar, tooth #3 seemed to be grounds for a new X-ray and possibly another emergency root canal that would take precedent over all other scheduled procedures. Nonetheless, it felt very good to be back in the chair and to see all of the familiar faces of students and faculty of ASDOH.<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-jxVaQYltemo/TjHOggKaX0I/AAAAAAAAASo/vFljtT13-nc/s1600/DSC07713.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-jxVaQYltemo/TjHOggKaX0I/AAAAAAAAASo/vFljtT13-nc/s400/DSC07713.JPG" width="400" /></a></div><br />
First things first, we took a new X-ray and lo and behold I did in fact need another root canal as you can see by the infected darker area at the root on the X-ray. It's crazy to me to see however that the bone behind that tooth that was the site of my second set of extractions on February 25th seems to have regenerated and filled in by now (or maybe I just don't fully know how to read X-rays) which seems to be a good sign.<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-HHZFlauLLoY/TjIKGyfZjtI/AAAAAAAAASs/Vd9Yre3U_oo/s1600/DSC07687.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-HHZFlauLLoY/TjIKGyfZjtI/AAAAAAAAASs/Vd9Yre3U_oo/s400/DSC07687.JPG" width="400" /></a></div>I had already arranged with work and scheduled my next 8 appointments through August so luckily we were able to just block out two of the upcoming ones a week apart for the two step root canal process and unfortunately put seating my upcoming crown on #3 on hold just a little bit longer. With a deep breath and adding another $600 to my grand total for an approximately even number of $22,000 now, we prepped for the day's procedures.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-enHMfxmD0fY/TjIMovJJ7YI/AAAAAAAAASw/f7ZDIza_iX0/s1600/DSC07688.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="300" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-enHMfxmD0fY/TjIMovJJ7YI/AAAAAAAAASw/f7ZDIza_iX0/s400/DSC07688.JPG" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">It occurred to me that day that I rarely ever remember to capture an image of a CLEAN and neatly arranged tray. </td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-WiqdblTbKsQ/TjIM9WbNSpI/AAAAAAAAAS0/u8bJ0mQHy0g/s1600/DSC07689.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="300" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-WiqdblTbKsQ/TjIM9WbNSpI/AAAAAAAAAS0/u8bJ0mQHy0g/s400/DSC07689.JPG" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Hello again, friends. We meet again.</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-gZoMuT-MMas/TjINCp3u-kI/AAAAAAAAAS4/kUftEWWOfoE/s1600/DSC07690.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="400" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-gZoMuT-MMas/TjINCp3u-kI/AAAAAAAAAS4/kUftEWWOfoE/s400/DSC07690.JPG" width="300" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">How nice of you, always watching over me.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Today I went in to have four more cavities to be removed on the teeth that are tentatively scheduled to be supports for bridges for my two missing upper first premolars. You might remember these as looking like THIS from Rakhee's "before" pics in January after my gross debridement:<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-UxNOdee-sxA/TjIQ2HJUyKI/AAAAAAAAATE/YEA9wv6MeE0/s1600/IMG_9981.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="266" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-UxNOdee-sxA/TjIQ2HJUyKI/AAAAAAAAATE/YEA9wv6MeE0/s400/IMG_9981.JPG" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">It's a little confusing cuz these are mirror images. These are the teeth on the LEFT side of my mouth, #s 11 and 13.</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-GX5coJtX6CE/TjIQRbG1GOI/AAAAAAAAATA/6uCzWDou8iQ/s1600/IMG_9984.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="266" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-GX5coJtX6CE/TjIQRbG1GOI/AAAAAAAAATA/6uCzWDou8iQ/s400/IMG_9984.JPG" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">And these are the teeth on my right, first molar #3 scheduled for the root canal, #4 and #6 to be worked on today and later fitted for a bridge, and #7 which also was the site of my first root canal. Numbers3 and 7 both have crowns in the works being made in the lab as we speak.</td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br />
</td></tr>
</tbody></table> So first, we removed the cavities. After today this will make 12 total fillings I have had. Upon drilling out all the caries the possibility was presented to perhaps go with an implant instead of a bridge on the left side of my mouth since they were less significant than the other side. One more thing for to add to Rakhee's upcoming consultation with the Doctors now that more progress has been made to determine if any more modifications should be made to my treatment plan. <br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-0tVNYOOH6DA/TjITTVTypKI/AAAAAAAAATI/36jKSIzKxfk/s1600/DSC07698crop.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="367" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-0tVNYOOH6DA/TjITTVTypKI/AAAAAAAAATI/36jKSIzKxfk/s400/DSC07698crop.JPG" width="400" /></a></div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Aik25CjpGPk/TjITWUwwXjI/AAAAAAAAATM/W6Iu4rD7HW4/s1600/DSC07692crop.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="268" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Aik25CjpGPk/TjITWUwwXjI/AAAAAAAAATM/W6Iu4rD7HW4/s400/DSC07692crop.JPG" width="400" /></a></div>Fuur more teeth packed with composite like a little thanksgiving turkey ready to be baked by Rakhee's magic Harry Potter light curing wand as I called it, though we both agreed this particular one looked more like it belonged on Star Trek. <br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-kC3zKrmJM-I/TjIWFvzCKZI/AAAAAAAAATQ/fOx2upQ9spY/s1600/DSC07701.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-kC3zKrmJM-I/TjIWFvzCKZI/AAAAAAAAATQ/fOx2upQ9spY/s400/DSC07701.JPG" width="400" /></a></div><br />
More tooth spackle, more shaping and polishing, and I'm almost ready to go with four teeth that don't remotely resemble what they looked like a few hours ago.<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-vNuAqwyj8tY/TjIWs8ed1sI/AAAAAAAAATU/7XogR9Jp2jc/s1600/DSC07707.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-vNuAqwyj8tY/TjIWs8ed1sI/AAAAAAAAATU/7XogR9Jp2jc/s400/DSC07707.JPG" width="400" /></a></div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-jICWhcTi9d4/TjIWy8satpI/AAAAAAAAATY/1lrgyzDJ1_g/s1600/DSC07708.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-jICWhcTi9d4/TjIWy8satpI/AAAAAAAAATY/1lrgyzDJ1_g/s400/DSC07708.JPG" width="400" /> </a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div>Taking some more pictures to see the changes, it occurred to me that this was not only the nicest those 4 teeth had looked in months, but that with the exception of that last remaining ugly tooth, number 8, and not including my two temporary crowns, that this was the nicest and most complete I have seen any of my teeth look in YEARS. <br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-l1_QdIDdNdk/TjIYJDHS2pI/AAAAAAAAATc/1tHz2Llq3C0/s1600/DSC07709.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-l1_QdIDdNdk/TjIYJDHS2pI/AAAAAAAAATc/1tHz2Llq3C0/s400/DSC07709.JPG" width="400" /></a></div><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-0FDQ34lRuzQ/TjIYQQNfduI/AAAAAAAAATg/8ToOOK8u9mI/s1600/DSC07720.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="300" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-0FDQ34lRuzQ/TjIYQQNfduI/AAAAAAAAATg/8ToOOK8u9mI/s400/DSC07720.JPG" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Slowly replacing more of my "broken windows."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>It is mindblowing to look at myself in the mirror and see teeth that have smooth and shiny surfaces, even if they are not all there. I feel I am almost starting to begin to forget what a horrific sight my mouth used to be for me, to be rewriting in my memory what it looks like when I'm not looking at it, to be able to remember it in its present state, not lost in 20 years of sadness and poor self esteem whenever I looked in the mirror. That is an amazing gift, whatever the cost. It is a gift that I know that my dentists will never fully understand the power of, but that I try my best to communicate with them and the world in this blog, how much they are helping to rebuild so much of who I am from the wreckage of what I first walked in the doors of ASDOH with six months ago.Paulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06387533812545278787noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11658853097204360.post-58512648534123182982011-07-28T13:06:00.000-07:002011-07-28T13:06:26.838-07:00My 2nd Phoenix Fundraiser<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-yo2DwUeIods/TjGxE5VrsZI/AAAAAAAAARs/r0DThYmSmQU/s1600/DSC07629.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-yo2DwUeIods/TjGxE5VrsZI/AAAAAAAAARs/r0DThYmSmQU/s400/DSC07629.JPG" width="400" /></a></div><br />
On Sunday, July 10th I hosted my second fundraising event in Phoenix, this time in the form of a concert and dinner party in the courtyard of my friend Kimber Lanning's record store, Stinkweeds. I wasn't sure how it would go--for those of you not from Phoenix, I would say that it is often hard to get the locals to come out of their air-conditioned hiding places until the sun goes down for most events, and also hard to get them to make the extra trek of a few more miles out of their normal routine circles of places they frequent, but I was both surprised by the turnout and the amount of donations I raised.<br />
I made a bunch of food which was all vegan and gluten-free, which included chickpea curry with rice donated by Angela Riccobono at the last minute when I realized I'd misplaced the guts of my rice cooker, chips with fresh salsa I made, and also my usual moneymaker, my gluten-free, peanut butter chocolate chip cookies. My friend John Sagasta from Jobot Coffee was also kind enough to donate a bunch of iced toddy, and my friend Alia Souissi was my savior of the day who drove me all over the place to trek everything there and get last minute supplies.<br />
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First up to perform was Green Light District, who I had only just met a few weeks ago on First Friday at the Longhouse, where I normally sell cookies.<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-jbC5H7zBtcw/TjGz45fhzyI/AAAAAAAAARw/990syP2DHcw/s1600/DSC07587.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-jbC5H7zBtcw/TjGz45fhzyI/AAAAAAAAARw/990syP2DHcw/s400/DSC07587.JPG" width="400" /></a></div><br />
Their upbeat youthful energy continues to steal the ears of passerby and no doubt is earning them a bunch of youtube videos from strangers, and their re-imagining of some other artist's songs is the first time I've enjoyed listening to them in years. (i.e.- MGMT) For the record I still like their original song, something about rock and roll (?) the best. I am glad that more people got to be introduced to them.<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-fW00wb44FnM/TjG0BPabSTI/AAAAAAAAAR0/5iyMduDi9m8/s1600/DSC07588.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-fW00wb44FnM/TjG0BPabSTI/AAAAAAAAAR0/5iyMduDi9m8/s400/DSC07588.JPG" width="300" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div>Next up was another of my Scorpio friends, Daryl Scherrer who practically allowed me to write the whole setlist, which is a rare honor considering the sheer size of his catalog of songs he has to pick from, normally plucking songs at random from a coffee can for 3-4 hours sets when he plays regularly at Carly's Bistro downtown. <br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-1Pko82Bw7MI/TjG1BSmMFBI/AAAAAAAAAR4/eityWkKvgs4/s1600/DSC07591.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-1Pko82Bw7MI/TjG1BSmMFBI/AAAAAAAAAR4/eityWkKvgs4/s400/DSC07591.JPG" width="400" /></a></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Ta5EvkBA9U0/TjG15ZtCGDI/AAAAAAAAAR8/AWpMl2adeag/s1600/DSC07606.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="400" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Ta5EvkBA9U0/TjG15ZtCGDI/AAAAAAAAAR8/AWpMl2adeag/s400/DSC07606.JPG" width="300" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">It's kind of ironic. Though Daryl has informed me that his own teeth are far from perfect, in the past he has been a perfect example of the sort of confident, open screaming mouth I wish I could have one day if I ever write and perform music in public. You hear that Daryl? I just said I wished I had your mouth. Haha. </td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-1YLuciNNAfM/TjG19c4Aa_I/AAAAAAAAASA/X2b_d1MlpcA/s1600/DSC07608.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="400" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-1YLuciNNAfM/TjG19c4Aa_I/AAAAAAAAASA/X2b_d1MlpcA/s400/DSC07608.JPG" width="300" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Daryl makes the darnedest faces.</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-MkZq2X4FhFM/TjG3Uo5Y1zI/AAAAAAAAASE/ZKNBHoQEto0/s1600/5924894897_4c837d0497_b.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="238" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-MkZq2X4FhFM/TjG3Uo5Y1zI/AAAAAAAAASE/ZKNBHoQEto0/s400/5924894897_4c837d0497_b.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">One of the seemingly rare pictures snapped of me in public in a while. Thanks Robyn Kingsley. That's my friend Jeremiah in the white with the sunglasses who also was nice enough to share some of his drumming skills between sets as Porches was setting up. He is an amazing djembe player if anyone is looking for one for back-up or anything. Message me for his info. </td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-jGCh1Kh3SDU/TjG4Rb0Y3aI/AAAAAAAAASI/gpCYW5cfAW4/s1600/DSC07613.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="400" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-jGCh1Kh3SDU/TjG4Rb0Y3aI/AAAAAAAAASI/gpCYW5cfAW4/s400/DSC07613.JPG" width="300" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Local celebrity Ben Gallaty of Andrew Jackson Jihad shows off his new food baby. What a proud papa! And what a silly awesome stenciled shirt. "RUBBLE RUBBLE!"</td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-0FCAZJymBis/TjG4xuNoHRI/AAAAAAAAASM/Le2kKsb5P1M/s1600/DSC07590.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="400" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-0FCAZJymBis/TjG4xuNoHRI/AAAAAAAAASM/Le2kKsb5P1M/s400/DSC07590.JPG" width="300" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">It was Chris Cranny however, who won the awesome shirt award for the day with this thrift store score. </td></tr>
</tbody></table>Next up was the band Porches, who I had mostly only ever known as its acoustic singer/songwriter/audience heckler Ben Horowitz. Tonight he was backed by friends Tristan Jemsek on drums and John Martin on bass closing out the evening with the loudest rockin' set of the night.<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-6KmWYcR_9vw/TjG6euscQUI/AAAAAAAAASQ/unP9XdHp8CY/s1600/DSC07615.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-6KmWYcR_9vw/TjG6euscQUI/AAAAAAAAASQ/unP9XdHp8CY/s400/DSC07615.JPG" width="400" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-HsHuzH_Apaw/TjG7QKvcoDI/AAAAAAAAASY/kOscjv5ryDk/s1600/DSC07618.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-HsHuzH_Apaw/TjG7QKvcoDI/AAAAAAAAASY/kOscjv5ryDk/s400/DSC07618.JPG" width="400" /></a></div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-P_uxJVIKNuU/TjG7Uu5ktNI/AAAAAAAAASc/Ck_uYZL_K-c/s1600/DSC07621.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-P_uxJVIKNuU/TjG7Uu5ktNI/AAAAAAAAASc/Ck_uYZL_K-c/s400/DSC07621.JPG" width="400" /></a></div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-H8-a229NL7E/TjG7ZldtPRI/AAAAAAAAASg/g-ER2sT2GfQ/s1600/DSC07625.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-H8-a229NL7E/TjG7ZldtPRI/AAAAAAAAASg/g-ER2sT2GfQ/s400/DSC07625.JPG" width="400" /></a></div>Thanks to all who came and stayed for the duration and helped me make this event a fun success for all on a hot and sweaty Phoenix evening. Thanks again to Kimber for offering the space and Dario who did everything possible to make the show run smoothly AND still man the store. Thanks John for keeping us all caffeinated, everyone who reposted the event and braved the heat to come out and play with friends. Thanks to all the bands who offered their talents for free in support of my cause, and for all of you who kindly and generously donated, making this my biggest fund-raising event yet, raising over $411 without even having a single set price on anything! I am hoping to organize one big event like this one once a month, so watch for that on facebook. More dinner parties, more concerts, possibly some movie nights and bake sales. Next up, an open mic/poetry event at local used bookstore, Bard's Books on August 20th. I will be reading selections from my blog and inviting everyone to share writing and stories of their own secrets, fears and confessions over vegan snacks and refreshments for donations. It may also be a book drive. Will post a flyer real soon. Thanks again, everyone, for all of your continued support and openness to work with me pulling events together. I'm excited to see you all again soon!<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-mLsoKReCeRI/TjG7pTvKK-I/AAAAAAAAASk/4KVvx_VbrjE/s1600/DSC07632.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="208" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-mLsoKReCeRI/TjG7pTvKK-I/AAAAAAAAASk/4KVvx_VbrjE/s400/DSC07632.JPG" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Just another summer night, hanging out in the Stinkweeds parking lot after hours.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>For more info on any of these bands and businesses, please follow the links below. Thanks!<br />
<a href="http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100000205664047&ref=ts#%21/pages/Green-Light-District/153769808019353">Green Light District</a><br />
Daryl Scherrer on <a href="http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100000205664047&ref=ts#%21/profile.php?id=100002418093692">facebook</a> and on the <a href="http://darylscherrer.com/index.html">web.</a><br />
<a href="http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100000205664047&ref=ts#%21/porchesmusic">Porches</a><br />
<a href="http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100000205664047&ref=ts#%21/Stinkweeds">Stinkweeds</a><br />
<a href="http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100000205664047&ref=ts#%21/profile.php?id=100001674975510">Jobot Coffee Shop</a><br />
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And also check out another of Kimber's projects, <a href="http://localfirstaz.com/index.php">Local First</a>, "a non-profit organization working to strengthen communities and local economies through supporting, maintaining, and celebrating locally owned businesses throughout the state of Arizona. <br />
We educate citizens, stakeholders, business leaders, and legislators about the significant environmental, economic, and cultural benefits of strong local economies. We build vibrant communities that make residents proud to call home."<br />
<br />
Thank you!Paulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06387533812545278787noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11658853097204360.post-66444716134367009732011-07-25T02:37:00.001-07:002011-07-28T11:52:06.710-07:00Appointments 19-21 and Crowns on the brain.This entry is very overdue. I was hoping to originally combine the visits and write before and after entries per tooth, but I then I had almost a month-long break from the dentist and then one tooth apparently decided it wanted a root canal before it would wear its shiny new porcelain hat, so I am documenting it all a little differently. I didn't really take a lot of pictures at these three individual appointment and they were about a month ago now so I will remember the details as best I can and move on to the more exciting stuff happening now.<br />
SO...<br />
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On June 17th I went in to refine the prep for a crown on my first molar (and ONLY molar we are saving), tooth #3. Rakhee let her mentee Meyer take over this time. It was a surreal change of pace, actually--it seems the majority of all the time we have ever spent together she has been on my right side but was now assisting from my left. How often do you have THAT sort of relationship with a person?<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-p60F_Iiy8Hk/Ti0hqRBhYXI/AAAAAAAAAQ0/a0lJgjjlKhQ/s1600/DSC07529.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="300" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-p60F_Iiy8Hk/Ti0hqRBhYXI/AAAAAAAAAQ0/a0lJgjjlKhQ/s400/DSC07529.JPG" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Hard to get a good picture of this one. Keep in mind I am virtually always taking all of these pictures myself so as not to distract or contaminate my dentist's gloves. Funny, I can usually still take better pictures than anyone else who has offered to help.</td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br />
</td></tr>
</tbody></table> Basically today we would grind the outer surface of my tooth structure down to resemble a sort of "top hat" as I called it, though later it seemed more like a Lego to me. We had to shape the top of my tooth into basically a peg of sorts that would fit into the corresponding hole in the crown made in the lab and get cemented on top of it. Little did I know that today, this would be far more painful than I imagined. I seemed to be experiencing a little more sensitivity than predicted lately on or between teeth 3 and 4. It was hard to tell, and there was nothing clinically detected to explain why. I would however discover a few appointments later that unfortunately that this crown would need to be put on hold while it first received a root canal. (My second.)<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-1oEwNWADgvk/Ti0kGnu6P0I/AAAAAAAAAQ4/jDh5-uPC8hk/s1600/DSC07533.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="300" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-1oEwNWADgvk/Ti0kGnu6P0I/AAAAAAAAAQ4/jDh5-uPC8hk/s400/DSC07533.JPG" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Meet Meyer. Say "Hi!" Meyer. Oh, nevermind. You seem lost in my mouth...</td></tr>
</tbody></table><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-40jwtvv84aE/Ti0lJwkpGtI/AAAAAAAAARA/NdOReq_aUSg/s1600/DSC07535.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-40jwtvv84aE/Ti0lJwkpGtI/AAAAAAAAARA/NdOReq_aUSg/s400/DSC07535.JPG" width="400" /></a></div><br />
After the prep was finished I would receive a temporary crown to cover all the exposed and sensitive tooth surface. This particular type, an ProTemp, reportedly cost $30 and came in a little package like a contact lens:<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-E25hCZ_A-cY/Ti0k8oISyiI/AAAAAAAAAQ8/aG0ehAe_E3M/s1600/DSC07537.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-E25hCZ_A-cY/Ti0k8oISyiI/AAAAAAAAAQ8/aG0ehAe_E3M/s400/DSC07537.JPG" width="400" /></a></div>This was squished on over my new Lego tooth and cured by light like the composite used for my fillings and cemented on. In all honestly, for the duration it has remained in my mouth, it has felt kind of like a hard piece of chewing gum, and I can't wait to finally get it out.<br />
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For my next appointment on June 20th, we would begin the prep for tooth #7, the last of my remaining front teeth (and seemingly most visibly important for society's perception of you) which, if you will recall, was initially possibly going to be extracted but we decided it was worth saving and gave it a root canal. I guess maybe #3 was just jealous. In trying to imagine what I would one day look like again with a smile full of teeth, flipping through some of the few old pictures I have before I lost them, I found this one I brought in to show Rakhee, though it is still pretty hard to see my actual teeth:<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-9lsQLIUSBKk/Ti0nw1SWl5I/AAAAAAAAARE/QBUWBW92xH0/s1600/DSC07539.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-9lsQLIUSBKk/Ti0nw1SWl5I/AAAAAAAAARE/QBUWBW92xH0/s400/DSC07539.JPG" width="400" /></a></div>Though I trust Rakhee wholeheartedly, with all of the brainwashing I have imprinted upon myself over the years, it in my head still made me a little sad to watch my tooth, a front one especially, be whittled down into a little spear. It is still hard to believe that any of this is even happening sometimes, Hard to remember if I do not look in a mirror that I don't still have the same old teeth I always have, but I am getting better. I told myself for so long that every little bit of me that rotted away was a piece of my existence gone. It made me incredibly morbid, feeling years older than I was and one step closer to death than everyone else my age. Hell, I already had <i>necrotic pulp</i> as I would later learn in half my teeth. When you consistently watch small parts of you die, it certainly doesn't help to ever make you feel particularly "alive." At least not if that is the main part of your being that you can ever focus on. For years I always said if I ever died in a flaming car wreck, no one would ever even know because I had no dental records. I happened to realize just the other day that that is totally not the case anymore! Hell, I have more X-rays than probably most of my friends. In a weird way that realization seemed to welcome me back to the land of the living. Like it was PROOF. <i>I was here. Look, here's my papers. I existed.</i> Or at least, these crazy teeth did.<br />
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</div> After this was finished for the day, Rakhee prepared a new temporary tooth like, from scratch that I was kind of impressed by, though it was still kind of abnormal looking compared to everything else in my mouth. This was constructed of a different kind of composite called Integrity. Awesome. We also decided that the color was a little too bright, but for now at least, who cares. If it was still going to be hanging out next to tooth #8 for a while it would still be a much more popular tooth for everyone to gawk at at the party. Cyborgs are cooler than zombies anyway, right? Though technically, both teeth are dead. But you can't blame a metaphor for trying.<br />
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For my final appointment of preparations for the surprisingly long procedure of getting a crown, I met yet another student and friend of Rakhee's, Maryam, who would be assisting on my 21st visit on June 24th. Today both teeth would be checked off by the faculty and we would make another mold of my upper teeth without their temporary crowns to be sent to the lab to use to create my final new porcelain crowns over the next few weeks. Color me intimidated! Which meant we also had to decide on a color. We matched two colors actually to my bottom teeth for them to transition together from the base of the tooth to the more translucent edges. Honestly, I kinda closed my eyes and just crossed my fingers. Rakhee was, after all, using tooth #7 for Competency, and I believed in her own perfectionism (or paranoia? Haha) more than mine.<br />
Today, I would learn of a new little part of this particular procedure that would go down in my dental history of most annoying pet peaves about all I have undergone, up there with the infamous mouth-stretching "Minnesota" tool, and those little plastic wedges jammed between teeth for better access during fillings. Today, we would pack cord. Ugh. So, imagine yourself flossing and that uncomfortable feeling when you go below the gumline, and then imagine wrapping a whole bunch of floss soaked in medicine to slow bleeding wrapped around the circumference of your tooth jammed and poked further below the gumline. From what I gather the purpose of this is to push the gums away from the teeth so as to get a perfect mold of all tooth surfaces the new crown is to be cemented to, so as to maintain perfect margins between the tooth and the crown. (Any students out there reading who want to confirm? I keep telling you it'll earn you prizes for answering my blog questions! Come on, kiddos--don't you like surprises? Or perhaps you haven't had my cookies yet.)<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-oqkuiUXq4pI/Ti0xeXh4QEI/AAAAAAAAARc/BFZFNIyAH-4/s1600/DSC07562crop.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="171" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-oqkuiUXq4pI/Ti0xeXh4QEI/AAAAAAAAARc/BFZFNIyAH-4/s400/DSC07562crop.JPG" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This is the CRAZIEST picture to me. It is like, 4 generations of my tooth family or something. If only there was a healthy, complete tooth in the picture as well I feel like it would be an awesome teaching tool I could sell to dentist textbooks or something! Haha, who knows. These are teeth 6-11 from left to right. This is the most pain in the ass 2 inches of my whole body! Dunno what on earth it's going to look like when it is totally rebuilt, but it will most certainly be an improvement over this. I am still frankly pretty scared of the day when 8, 9 and 10 are to be extracted. 9 and 10 are also the first roots that are COMPLETELY buried and I worry how hard they will be to dig out and also if the process will damage any of the surrounding bone that must remain intact to support two implants. Deeeep breaths, think about something else, and wait and see, I guess. Trust I am on the right path, and in good hands.</td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br />
</td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br />
</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Upon checking in with the doctors, Rakhee was advised to pack even MORE cord. (Grrr!) She also had to refine some of Meyer's earlier prep and drop the margins on tooth #3. Shhhh...don't tell him!<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-KmCeLnQ2VK0/Ti01mZ57xQI/AAAAAAAAARg/P3jwN8OsaHU/s1600/DSC07565crop.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="268" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-KmCeLnQ2VK0/Ti01mZ57xQI/AAAAAAAAARg/P3jwN8OsaHU/s400/DSC07565crop.JPG" width="400" /></a></div>After that, I was ready for new mold.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-gcIyHZ2fUCU/Ti02eK1KrzI/AAAAAAAAARk/Kw9Mot4MRe4/s1600/DSC07566.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="300" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-gcIyHZ2fUCU/Ti02eK1KrzI/AAAAAAAAARk/Kw9Mot4MRe4/s400/DSC07566.JPG" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Do you think even though they have masks on they still smile beneath them when I take pictures? Funny. P.S.-I make the darndest faces. I seem to usually forget what the hell my eyes are doing I spend so much focus on my mouth. </td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br />
</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-wz1q4of2eqM/Ti03QbfBLSI/AAAAAAAAARo/LymzPJyQWDU/s1600/DSC07568.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="300" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-wz1q4of2eqM/Ti03QbfBLSI/AAAAAAAAARo/LymzPJyQWDU/s400/DSC07568.JPG" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Smile, Maryam! You're in the blog, and are one more soldier in my ever-growing army of dental students. Thanks for all your assistance.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>This concluded the day while we wait for the crowns to be made. The school was also on break for a week and then in "seminar" for a week, making for my longest break in appointments since I began. Next up, 4 more fillings, seating these crowns, unfortunate emergencies, and some treatment plan revisions. More soon!Paulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06387533812545278787noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11658853097204360.post-12997022490815997032011-07-24T13:52:00.001-07:002011-07-24T22:17:02.811-07:00An old poem about teeth I stumbled upon on youtube.I want to write some of my own to perform at local open mics and poetry nights at some point. For now I hope you will enjoy this one.<br />
<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="349" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/H6g1I37_r1E" width="425"></iframe>Paulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06387533812545278787noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11658853097204360.post-24132197723608482732011-07-13T01:06:00.002-07:002011-07-20T01:15:19.947-07:00Sorry I haven't posted in a while. This is where my head has been at.I just realized it has been an entire month since my last update! Wow, it has been hard to focus lately. I had been holding off for a bit to write about my past 3 appointments because they were all part of a yet-unfinished process of getting crowns on two teeth. ASDOH was also closed for appointments for two weeks for the holiday and for a week long seminar of...whatever dental schools have week long seminars about!<br />
It has been hard to focus and maintain momentum lately. I feel like I got lost a little bit from my path and frustrated and overwhelmed. A lot has been going on, and though I may seem like a "trooper" or whatever, I am still not immune to daily insecurities and fears about everything that I have been through and how far I still have to go. I wonder constantly what I will look like in the end, wonder if I will be truly able to live without pain, how long it will be before I can eat certain foods, if I am taking good enough care of the teeth I still have for the first time in my life or not. Above all, my only real answer I can ever grapple to find in the daily darkness of my thoughts is to trust in Rakhee and believe in myself and this crazy journey we are on and know that I am on the right path. I never thought it was going to be an easy one, after all. I guess my energy, positivity, inspiration and motivation waxes and wanes just like everything else...<br />
<br />
I've had a hard time dealing with my inability to move forward fast enough. As of today, I am about $4,600 ahead of my actual appointments, (which is amazing!) but which after waiting for years in pain for an answer and a way out of all of this, upsets me to no end that I haven't been able to get as much time off of work as I need to heal. Having my first really terrible pain in a few months a couple of weeks ago certainly did not help matters any, and after 4 days straight on Vicodin due to sensitivity around teeth 3 and 4 (when for the record even after three extractions in a day I only ever took one or two Vicodin and was fine) I kinda started losing it and questioning everything. I wondered if I should try to switch to part-time or get a different job or move closer to Mesa and my dentists or all of the above. I wondered if my pain really ever would go away. I wondered if tooth 13 which is where I've been doing the majority of my chewing for weeks that isn't supported on either side is going to collapse while I continue to be stuck waiting weeks or months to fit my appointments in and to get a partial to support those upper teeth. I wonder now if I have somehow developed an infection since my previous Xrays a few months ago on tooth 3 and/or 4 and if I am going to need another root canal. I wonder how or why I can't somehow be granted some sort of extenuating circumstances medical leave for my appointments like if I had chemo or physical therapy or something for any OTHER sort of injury. I sorta began to feel like the "novelty" of all I have accomplished was wearing off or something, as I came home alone over and over to my crappy apartment on the west side of Downtown Phoenix that I have more than outgrown, yet am unable to find a better place suited to my needs right now that doesn't cost a fortune. I want to work on art and other things again, but simply don't have the workspace. But I also don't want to compromise all of my monthly savings to pay for one. It has been harder and harder to find a balance. I don't mean to sound like I am complaining, I am just sharing some of the long list of things that have been on my mind lately.<br />
<br />
As my surge of blog activity after Roger Ebert's tweet has died down and in my absence from posting this past month, I have tried to refocus and continue to organize events and opportunities for fund-raising on a local level. I spent a lot of the that time organizing a benefit concert and dinner at my friend's record store this past weekend that went really well, that I will post a blog about very soon. I have a few more events in the works. I have been somewhat frustrated by my inability to get much local media coverage of any kind despite what I thought were some promising leads. It's a strange feeling to know that your words have been read in 80 countries but not even feel like they have been heard in your own city, especially when you see all the other crap that passes for news every day. If nothing else, and all Ego aside, I am at least for once a POSITIVE story about something happening in Phoenix. I for one, am sick to death, of all the negative ones.<br />
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<br />
<b><br />
</b><br />
<b>Remembering Travis</b><br />
<br />
This past weekend, one of our friends here in the Downtown Arts Community, Travis Allen, took his own life. This has been my second death to grapple with in only a few months after an eight-year hiatus of that big mortality question getting popped so loudly in a quiet corner of my subconscious. It was, however, a very different kind of death than my Grandmother's. It has been complicated to try and process, to restrain myself from feeling too "guilty" though I in a way think that all of us in his community are at least a little bit to blame. I know that we can never truly know anyone and what goes on inside of their heads throughout their days, be it even our lover, mother or best friends, nor can we ever be anything more than a blanket that helps them to find comfort in their own skin on cold nights. I also know that even a 100 blankets, when someone, if cold enough to hide a gun or a razor or pills underneath that warmth of their community of support, can never truly keep them warm enough. I wish I knew what could have.<br />
<br />
One of the last times I saw Trav for any great length of time was after I first returned to Phoenix from the bike tour and had told him about how I had came out to my facebook community of friends about my secret and was finally finding the courage and commitment to move forward and try to heal myself. Hell, the whole damn point more than anything, if there even is one to be had from reading my blog, is that there is absolutely nothing shameful about asking for help. It is that I am striving every day as best as I can, with all my own problems and issues and distractions and frustrations, to show the world one example, of how one crazy person finally, finally tried to find a creative way out, to overcome his shit, and find mental and physical health and happiness. I know more than anyone, that (life) "it is not THAT easy" -- this did, after all, take me nearly 20 years. It is hard however, knowing how moved Travis was and how truly happy he was for me in that moment to see how far I had come as a person in the four years he had sort of known me, to feel like it still didn't empower him to know that he could have called me, and "asked for help" in his own darkest hours. It is sad, for me...because I know wholeheartedly what it is like to feel powerless to change your situation, but as I have explained to other friends I have loved with suicidal thoughts, that for me, personally, there has always still been so much else I could find to live for. Even on days of my worst toothaches ever, and trust me, there have been a lot of them in my life, I have never once contemplated blowing my brains out. But I know, unfortunately, that we are not all wired the same, and I don't "blame" or judge him, because I don't for a second know what a single moment of life was like to walk in his shoes. Mostly, I am just sad, and I miss him.<br />
<br />
One of my favorite memories of Travis that I will always remember that was something bizarre he started doing when I barely had only just met him, was whenever we would run into each other, both sweating in the sun from biking or rollerskating usually, he would run up to me and yell "Gimme your pepper!" and stick his fingers into my sweaty armpits like he was He-Man holding his sword aloft and it somehow gave him "the POWER!" He would chase me around and dramatically smell his hands afterward like that character Mary Catherine Gallagher on SNL. He did this so regularly over the course of several weeks and random visits that I actually had like, a mini "intervention" with him politely asking him to stop because well, it was just a little bit TOO weird sometimes! Nonetheless, he certainly always made me laugh. I did not see him often, but whenever I did, he was one of the few people in Phoenix during the peak of my love/hate relationship with it back in those days that I was always grateful to randomly bump into and get to spend time with. I always knew that when we spoke, I had his full attention, and he genuinely was interested in me as a person. He just had that way about him, how his kind blue eyes could pierce right through you. He always seemed more concerned at how everyone else was doing than himself, and would give his last dollar to anyone in need, I think more often than not, putting others before himself. I think that for him, like my grandmother, his generosity was one of his greatest sources of joy. One of the first times I saw him back when I was selling stencil art at Willow House he had just got payed and offered me $50 for some tshirts, and though I usually always sold them sliding scale and would have made him like TEN shirts for that price or practically any art that I wanted, I knew that he was someone that, when it came to helping out a friend, if he could, he would not take no for an answer. He gave me a beat up old Nishiki bike he himself was hanging onto hoping to fix when my own got stolen, and even though I never did find the correct parts to fix it (although I think Vav did when I left it at Firehouse after I had moved out) I know that it never seemed hard at all for him to part with any of his belongings if he felt that one of his friends needed them more than he did. I hope to always be reminded of him, like my Grandmother, during my own acts of kindness, generosity and compassion, so that they may always live on through me and all of us who knew them, and all who continue to live in the endearing, positive ways that they did.<br />
<br />
I will miss you, dude. I hope that you have finally found peace, and/or whatever it is you were looking for that day when you decided to leave us without saying goodbye, to take such a long vacation into all of our memories. I hope that you know that you don't have to worry anymore, and know that we have also packed little pieces of you to take with us everywhere we go as well, silly notes and doodles scrawled on crumpled up pieces of paper by the pocketful, always falling out wherever we go to be picked up by strangers who will no doubt also smile as we all do when we think of you. I hope that my particular mind continues to never find itself in quite so dark of a tunnel that there seems no other form of escape as many of my loved ones have periodically seemed trapped in. I also hope, that any of you reading this in Phoenix or elsewhere, know that I am here for you, in any way that I can be, to try and help you through whatever your troubles might be. But neither I nor anyone else necessarily know, if you don't ask. Asking is one of the hardest parts, but I promise things can get easier after that first step. I hope that if you are reading this, and it has conjured any thoughts of fellow friends that may be suffering, that you will perhaps call them and reach out, and simply ask them how they are today. Or even if you run across a stranger during the course of your day who looks down, perhaps you will take a moment to ask them, "How are you?" We can all help each other take those awkward, uncomfortable first steps towards connection together, and perhaps one day live in a world where we all can feel just a little bit less alone. I hope so...<br />
<br />
Because asking will never hurt anyone, and NOT asking will certainly never help them.<br />
Because all of the greatest friends and lovers you will ever have in this lifetime, started out as "strangers."<br />
Because the biggest obstacle in the way of friendship, is a single word: "Hello."<br />
<br />
Hi everyone. You might not have ever met me before, but I was a friend of Trav's. My name is Paul. How can I help you?<br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-9vY7hZ3je3w/Th1Ql4v0wUI/AAAAAAAAAQw/V5eiFIiVgt8/s1600/269512_130334140386287_130333237053044_229456_2664956_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="266" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-9vY7hZ3je3w/Th1Ql4v0wUI/AAAAAAAAAQw/V5eiFIiVgt8/s400/269512_130334140386287_130333237053044_229456_2664956_n.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Travis and his son, Kai</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Paulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06387533812545278787noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11658853097204360.post-56097583057928878532011-06-13T11:50:00.002-07:002011-06-14T07:38:57.380-07:00I'm working on some stencil art again for fundraising.<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-ml30Rm-PTkg/TfZSTusKJ2I/AAAAAAAAAQA/1lTRwzE1mbU/s1600/SUNP1355.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="308" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-ml30Rm-PTkg/TfZSTusKJ2I/AAAAAAAAAQA/1lTRwzE1mbU/s400/SUNP1355.JPG" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">One of the signs I made while selling stenciled tshirts and patches on Hawthorne St. when I was couchsurfing in Portland five years ago, frustrated that people would dismissively throw change to musicians who played horrible covers all night long, but barely make eye contact with people sharing their visual art with them.</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-yIIgj1SodQQ/TfdtWcjIiaI/AAAAAAAAAQg/C9xZkhUyRBk/s1600/SUNP0968.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="300" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-yIIgj1SodQQ/TfdtWcjIiaI/AAAAAAAAAQg/C9xZkhUyRBk/s400/SUNP0968.JPG" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I used to carry everything on my bike. I had a photo album of my best stencils over my history of beginning in New Orleans 6 months prior, shirts with my most recent ones sprayed and bleached, and a bunch of blank shirts and paints and 20 or so stencils to make shirts on demand for people, always for donations. People offered me anywhere from a few dollars to $50 for a tshirt once in the five weeks I would sit on Hawthorne Street for a few hours each day.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>In stressing myself out for weeks trying to think of clever designs related to dentistry to make silly and/or uplifting "commemorative" shirts and prints and things to sell, I had the epiphany that I ALREADY have a bunch of old designs and images that were always selling just fine in Phoenix for the year and a half I was living off my art sales and commissions.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-pAt1RhqFqEs/TfduwKIRHaI/AAAAAAAAAQk/HLdmn6e_ZX4/s1600/Picture+005.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="300" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-pAt1RhqFqEs/TfduwKIRHaI/AAAAAAAAAQk/HLdmn6e_ZX4/s400/Picture+005.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I used to sell shirts and things in the back of the old Willow House coffee shop on 3rd Ave. and McDowell before it closed when I first came to Phoenix. It was also where I met the majority of my Phoenix friends who I am still the closest with today, and right around the corner from the roof I slept on (by choice) when I was homeless for 3 months before I saved enough money to move into the art collective the Firehouse.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>So...I have decided to post some of them and try to continue to get them out into the world. Now that I am slowly finding a bigger internet following and learning more ways to network online and have a paypal account, perhaps I could get lucky with Etsy or a few properly tagged shirts or something on ebay and end up printing hundreds of shirts all of a sudden and making all the money I need without even hosting fundraisers! Who knows. In any event, here is a link to some of the old designs of shirts I will be selling and a few other odds and ends I may sell and/or reproduce again for the right prices. <a href="http://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.10150202638350868.308939.695440867&l=06b2514d4b">Stencils and screenprinting on my Facebook</a> I also welcome commissions of all kinds, and you can find more images of my work <a href="http://myspace.com/tmhrstencils">here on myspace</a>, and also <a href="http://flickr.com/themightyhumanrace">here on flickr.</a><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-LmZF9gt_MmA/TfZRn1c654I/AAAAAAAAAP8/VNHYxiql0ro/s1600/Picture+434.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="300" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-LmZF9gt_MmA/TfZRn1c654I/AAAAAAAAAP8/VNHYxiql0ro/s400/Picture+434.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">A 3-layered stenciled painting of my friend Jessica Zajicek with a wallpaper background from wallpaper from the House of Parliament from the 1800s.<br />
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</tbody></table><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-tqgejoq0ppA/TfZZh-pQl4I/AAAAAAAAAQM/20sY_V1xz_w/s1600/DSC03564.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="158" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-tqgejoq0ppA/TfZZh-pQl4I/AAAAAAAAAQM/20sY_V1xz_w/s400/DSC03564.JPG" width="400" /></a></div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-vKblqbjBIfA/TfZZwUHMZGI/AAAAAAAAAQQ/AsxgFl9UUFU/s1600/DSC03577.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-vKblqbjBIfA/TfZZwUHMZGI/AAAAAAAAAQQ/AsxgFl9UUFU/s640/DSC03577.JPG" width="480" /></a></div><br />
I haven't really been focusing on art for the past few years, but since I began stenciling making protest signs and things for our housing sites while volunteering with Common Ground Relief in New Orleans after Hurricane Katrina, I have made 100s of stencils in three years that I used as my sole means of support.<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Ijau4LWTR1U/Tfdxjz02txI/AAAAAAAAAQo/Pm35CKTltFQ/s1600/IMG_0140+copy.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Ijau4LWTR1U/Tfdxjz02txI/AAAAAAAAAQo/Pm35CKTltFQ/s400/IMG_0140+copy.JPG" width="400" /></a></div><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-emiL1BcEIqM/Tfdx-XJ3akI/AAAAAAAAAQs/1VWThvC7ZTM/s1600/IMG_0143+copy.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="300" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-emiL1BcEIqM/Tfdx-XJ3akI/AAAAAAAAAQs/1VWThvC7ZTM/s400/IMG_0143+copy.JPG" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Everyone--and when I say "everyone" I mean 100s of volunteers over the course of 3 1/2 months, used to call me "Stencilguy" from January to April of 2006.</td></tr>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-h1wCeO1MOb0/TfZehhCyylI/AAAAAAAAAQU/GLRQLRWvrkA/s1600/img010.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="263" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-h1wCeO1MOb0/TfZehhCyylI/AAAAAAAAAQU/GLRQLRWvrkA/s400/img010.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Riiou9Xz44w/TfZUAnZFebI/AAAAAAAAAQE/CvI01BmDc9E/s1600/237968224_1d9b676df7_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="327" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Riiou9Xz44w/TfZUAnZFebI/AAAAAAAAAQE/CvI01BmDc9E/s400/237968224_1d9b676df7_o.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">(Photo credit unknown. Found in shared folder on Common Ground Volunteer Computer)</td></tr>
</tbody></table> The "Not As Seen On TV" one I made about 25 of that I nailed to telephone poles in the Lower 9th Ward before I left in April 2006 was even used by Spike Lee in his documentary <i>When the Levees Broke</i> and later in the Green Day and U2 video <i>Saints Are Coming</i>. To this day I still have never been able to contact any of those people to share the story of its creation or receive any form of credit. It was another thing that always frustrated me, honestly, in thinking about my teeth. Though I never made that stencil to make money and it was always about the message, I can't help but be regretful that I never signed them or wrote a contact on the back. I tried to write to Greenday to see if I could design tshirts for them back then. Their video has nearly 14 MILLION hits on youtube. If one of every THOUSAND people who ever watched it gave me a dollar I would have nearly the whole remaining total I need for my treatment plan. Who knows how many million more have seen the Spike Lee film worldwide. I've tried to set aside my bitterness about this over the years, but I still cannot help thinking that a few grand is such a drop in the bucket to these people and public or not, they OWE me. At a very minimum, credit or thanks or gratitude. Idunno...I am less upset by the documentary. I love how it was used, and it was a really powerful moment in the film. If you look on the dvd bonus section of Photos, my image is actually the very first one shown in the album. Greenday on the other hand I can argue would not even have thought of the idea of their video if never having seen my art. It is obvious that the entire CONCEPT and big "punchline" at the end of their video was wholeheartedly inspired by my sign to anyone who watches their <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=seGhTWE98DU">video.</a> Frankly, they never even took their own pictures IN New Orleans OF it, but pulled a still from Spike Lee's film.<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-L1wpTeMQPLQ/TfZXEo1Ug5I/AAAAAAAAAQI/1cLZyLp8fOg/s1600/514029982_6ea379beca_b.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-L1wpTeMQPLQ/TfZXEo1Ug5I/AAAAAAAAAQI/1cLZyLp8fOg/s400/514029982_6ea379beca_b.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><br />
I know we all appropriate and I have used pictures of celebrities I've modified and all to make money here and there, but...I'm sure they payed HIM something to use HIS art. I just wish there was some sort of balance. Something just doesn't seem fair to me. But I guess the poor and struggling will always feel that way when thinking of those who are far better off. I just wish that something that was so meaningful and passionate to me that I did as a gesture of solidarity before I left New Orleans didn't have to make me feel like shit when I think of how others who have like millions of dollars could have their lives further enriched by it and get praise for it when no one even knows who I am, and I have been in pain for years. It's one of those things that always comes back to me if and when I have ever been depressed that just makes me want to shake my fists in the air, you know? Is Keira Knightley lying in bed at night mad that I probably made a grand selling tshirts with her image as Domino, or is Christopher Walken going to come hunt me down and dance on my face? No. I just want them all to at least know my name. If they want to offer me anything more than a thank you, your art is cool, that is up to them.<br />
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But ANYway....sorry, it's a sensitive subject, and who knows who might read it out there in the world who knows any of those people. Maybe Roger Ebert! Maybe something good will come of it. I've been carrying it around for far too long.<br />
I know I am perfectly competent as a stencil artist to continue to grow and earn a living if and when I find the time and space to truly dedicate myself to earn a living at it. I can also start my own screenprinting shop and run it at any time I want, after eight years professional experience in the industry, and nearly three running TumbleTees with homeless youth. I was never really a "starving artist," and and often was making about a grand a month. I would love to begin to make that money back in addition to my dayjob at Tumbleweed, and all of this could be over before I know it! Who knows what could happen. But with all that I have written and shared on here in the past 4 1/2 months I couldn't help but feel a little strange that I hadn't really represented my visual arts in here. I hope that I can begin to find a balance between it and my writing and all aspects of my life, and only continue to be more productive, creative and inspiring as I continue to share myself and all my efforts with the world. I know only good can come of it. Thank you all for reading and viewing my links. I hope you will pass them on to anyone who you think may like them. If you are interested in my art or, as always, if you have any questions about anything or things you would like to say to me, you can either comment on here, or message me directly at themightyhumanrace@gmail.com<br />
Thank you!<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Myl2A36gUGQ/TfZf8fkO5hI/AAAAAAAAAQc/1V-lzHIA0oA/s1600/Picture+082.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Myl2A36gUGQ/TfZf8fkO5hI/AAAAAAAAAQc/1V-lzHIA0oA/s320/Picture+082.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>Paulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06387533812545278787noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11658853097204360.post-61597980165143761202011-06-13T09:54:00.002-07:002011-06-13T10:02:21.360-07:00I never would have guessed that this new South Park was going to be about dental care.Even South Park is trying to fight Tooth Decay! I always wondered what had happened to me. Thank you Mr. Mackey for wanting to direct a play to educate us all! Haha. Hilarious! Love all the ridiculous suicides over the Princess. I'm gonna go home and "open my box of faith" now and pray for an end to Tooth Decay!<br />
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<a href="http://www.southparkstudios.com/full-episodes/s15e03-royal-pudding">Watch it for free now!</a><br />
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And brush your damn teeth, M'kay!Paulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06387533812545278787noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11658853097204360.post-67821465813434914642011-06-09T13:44:00.006-07:002011-07-22T01:25:21.402-07:00Frequently Asked Questions(under construction)<br />
In this entry I am going to attempt to offer concise answers to address the questions and comments I most often receive about the status of my teeth and the creation of this blog, while also providing links to longer entries that provide what I hope are more in depth answers. If you wish to ask me a question that you don't see answered, feel free to email it to me at themightyhumanrace@gmail.com and I may add it to this section in the future if I feel it is appropriate and relevant. Thank you. Here are my questions, in no particular order:<br />
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<b>Dude, what happened to your grill?</b><br />
This is a long and complicated story. To answer some people's first responses, NO, I was never a meth addict, I didn't have a freak accident or get in a fight. The main physical factor is a lifetime of decay and improper care. Mental is a little harder for me to even figure out. I only ever went to the dentist twice as a kid and was never instilled with the discipline to take care of my teeth as a child. This morphed into an extreme irrational fear of dentists, shame, poor self-esteem, a distorted body image and general lack of trust in the world as I tried my best to hide my "secret" at all times. You can read a much more detailed story of my <a href="http://smilepaul2011.blogspot.com/2011/02/this-is-longer-autobiographical.html">childhood upbringing</a> here, and how it contributed to the lifetime of <a href="http://smilepaul2011.blogspot.com/2011/04/on-derrick-jensen-and-silencing.html">self-harm</a>, denial and pain I lived with for nearly 2 decades suppressing my feelings to even my closest friends.<br />
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<b>That looks like it hurts...a lot?</b><br />
It does. Or, it has. A lot of the worst I am finally beginning to feel is over. Many of us have suffered from tooth aches. It is hard to describe what is is like to suffer from a whole mouth of them. In some ways you get used to it. You learn where to chew, what not to do, what not to eat, how to avoid pain as best you can. In general before I had my extractions, it was always hard to eat, because I had very few teeth to chew on and anytime food pushed down on any part of my mouth where my gums had grown over a broken crown, it hurt. I would have periodic infections that would make life practically unbearable for days on end that over the counter drugs hardly ever came close to killing the pain of. Sometimes I would drink. Sometimes I would just hate the world. Sometimes I would get sick of eating. I would never want to leave the house, because I never felt my friends with healthier teeth could remotely understand what I was going through, so I would just hide. To read more about what it felt like on a daily basis to eat and go through life like this, <a href="http://smilepaul2011.blogspot.com/2011/04/on-eating-before.html">go here. </a><br />
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<b>OMG I'm so terrified of the dentist, how do you do this?</b><br />
It was terrifying for me at first too. I had not been to a dentist in almost 20 years! Even after I made up my mind that I was finally going to go to one, it took me 3 months to make an appointment. Opening my mouth to a beautiful stranger with perfect teeth expecting the worst possible diagnosis in my mind <a href="http://smilepaul2011.blogspot.com/2011/02/this-is-summary-of-my-first-two-dental.html">during my first appointment</a> was frankly one of the scariest moments of my life. Luckily, I ended up finding a wonderful, supportive and compassionate student dentist on my first try, and that definitely made a huge difference those first few appointments. As far as the actual work being done, it has come to remind me so much of my time in art school and sculpture and woodworking classes that I have come to find it fascinating and empowering after my initial fears subsided and though some of my appointments have certainly been intensely draining, only a handful (out of 21 so far!) have I truly been in a decent amount of pain. You just have to remind yourself, that in a few hours, and a few days of healing, that you will be in far LESS.<br />
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<b>My teeth are messed up too--you don't see my crying online and asking people for money! Why should I care about your problems, I can't even fix my own?</b><br />
I wholeheartedly understand this perspective, and as stated many times throughout the blog, I will ultimately think no less of anyone if they do not wish to or are unable to <a href="http://smilepaul2011.blogspot.com/2011/04/community-of-metafiltercom-and-my.html">donate</a>. I do however believe firmly that there is nothing shameful about reaching out or <a href="http://smilepaul2011.blogspot.com/2011/02/on-asking-for-help.html">asking for help</a>, and I also wish to live by example in setting that precedent for others and being able to share the overwhelmingly positive response that has come from me living this way. When one of us suffers, we all suffer. We each can't help everyone, and all of us may not be monetarily fortunate enough to donate to me or even other causes or charities we probably feel even stronger about at any given time. I do however, challenge us all to regularly ask ourselves as we go about our daily lives, how we are fortunate, what we are thankful for, and what small ways are there that we can help others find happiness, health and wellness in our communities and the world that might not seem like much to us, but can mean the world to those who are suffering, and/or feel powerless or alone. Sometimes, this can be the simple act of asking a friend or a stranger, if they are okay. We won't know if we don't ask, and they might not even know that you genuinely care, if you don't take the <a href="http://smilepaul2011.blogspot.com/2011/03/i-almost-forgot-i-made-blog-promo-cards.html">first step</a>.<br />
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<b>What a great idea! What made you create this blog? Why did you decide to go so public with something so personal?</b><br />
For years as a writer and person who performs poetry in the public eye, even who has always been generally brutally honest and vulnerable and open in the way that I speak and with what I choose to share, I have always nonetheless had a "boogeyman under the bed" when it came to the subject of my teeth. I knew in order to truly heal and overcome this fear I had to also overcome the huge wall between expressing my history and feelings about this part of me to the world in order to ever be able to live with myself as an artist and writer and to feel I had any true integrity as an artist, and a person in general, considering the type of honest, open person I strive to be on all other levels. I am an open book, and for the first time ever, I wanted to share myself with the world with no pages torn out. I also knew that I was not the only one suffering from this issue, and hoped that whatever crazy, creative ways I would pull out of my ass to express myself and detail this journey over the course of fixing myself, could also inspire others to face their own feels and see true tangible evidence of someone else in the world who found a way to overcome his deepest fear and pain.<br />
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Twenty grand? Dude, you can like, buy a house for that much! Why don't you just go to Mexico or Thailand or something for a vacation and get everything done for cheap?<br />
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<b>I support your cause but my funds are pretty limited myself. What can I do to help? </b><br />
There are an endless number of things. What are you skills? Who is in your network that might be supportive of this cause? Bakesales seem like one of the easiest ways to ever raise money with minimum investment. Community yardsales, carwashes, concerts...put a jar where you work, etc. The possibilities are really endless. If you really want to help and want some suggestions or to brainstorm, feel free to drop me a line at themightyhumanrace@gmail.com Above all, more than anything else though, really, all that I ask of you is that you repost my blog on facebook and twitter and your other networks and simply help me to continue to get my story out there, get more media coverage, reach more people, etc. That is the single, easiest, cheapest thing anyone can do. Roger Ebert got me 28,000 views in 2 days in nearly 80 countries and about $1,200 donations from a single tweet. I wholeheartedly have faith in my writing to do the work, if I can simply get a little help continuing to get it out there into the Universe. Thank you!<br />
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I heard about your story from Roger Ebert's tweet. How do you know him/how did he hear about you?<br />
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How has your life changed since you began to finally get the proper dental care and face your fears after all these years?<br />
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I need to go to the dentist myself but always keep putting it off out of fear. Do you have any suggestions for me to to overcome my own anxiety?<br />
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<b>How long is all of this going to take until you are finished?</b><br />
I initially had ignorantly set out to tackle everything in one year's time. I have had several modifications to my treatment plan and learned a lot since my first appointment, and though I still think that it could be possible under ideal circumstances, there are many factors that I feel will probably push it back a little further than planned. I do however, wholeheartedly aim to try my best to complete everything, which will probably be around 50 appointments, before June of 2012 when my dental student Rakhee is scheduled to graduate.<br />
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<b>What are you going to do with your life after you are finally done? How do you think it will effect you, etc?</b><br />
That is a question I don't yet remotely claim to have an answer to. I hope that my openness and transformation will only continue to open doors for me. I think it is honestly going to take some time alone with myself to relearn to smile and love food and my own skin and feel "natural" again and comfortable with first impressions and big smiles and figuring out my diet again. Sometime after or during that process, I aim to travel again, perhaps go on another bike tour, find a new place with water, grass and trees to live again, make more art, possibly write a book, fall in love, and save the world! Haha. I do however, also aspire to take some LONG-DESERVED vacation, possibly with a friend, and go to Hawaii for the first time possibly. After all I will have been through, <a href="http://smilepaul2011.blogspot.com/2011/05/on-facing-and-overcoming-fears.html">my other fears</a> should be EASY, and raising a few grand for an amazing vacation should seem like nothing!<br />
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<b>With all that you have learned from all the treatments you have undergone and logging so much time in the dentist's chair, are you inspired at all to pursue dentistry yourself and help others who suffer or live in pain and fear the dentist as you have? Is there dentistry in your future?</b><br />
This is another question I don't think I can answer yet. I do joke around about being an assistant or something often, and hope that perhaps I can try it out at the school one day before my treatment plan is finished. I will say that I cannot fathom me ever going to school to be an actual dentist at this time. However, I do not wish to "waste" my experiences and how huge of a part of my life this has been for so many years, and hope that in some way or another I can continue to help and inspire people to face their own fears, take care of themselves and brush their teeth in the future. Perhaps that could come in the form of a book, or with my background in social work and all the fund-raising and community organizing type of work I have done for years, I would not be surprised if I could possibly inspire some of the students I will have worked with to pursue more community-based or non-profit type of practices and programs, which I may very well try and help with. Who knows!Paulhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06387533812545278787noreply@blogger.com0